Your weapons are sharp, your sword-arm is strong, and scores of enemies have fallen beneath your deadly blade. You are an unstoppable engine of rage and destruction set against the enemies of your people.
And then you decided to fuck with Conan.
This was not a good decision on your part.
Rule Number One for Successful Barbarian Living: If at all possible, be Conan.
Or at least be one of his male traveling companions.
ReplyDeleteThe female ones... They tend to die.
Other possible options include:
ReplyDeleteAvoid Conan at all costs.
If unable to avoid Conan, run like hell upon seeing Conan.
If running like hell, don't be afraid to let out a girlish shriek, as it may embarass Conan too much to actually want to chase you down and kill you.
Howvere, if the girlish shriek makes you sound attractive, he may try to chase you down for other reasons.
In which case, go dead emotionally, leave your body.
If you are Chuck Norris, do you mess with Conan? Or do you run? Curious minds want to know.
ReplyDeleteRule Number Two is of course: If you can't be Conan, be as far away from Conan as possible.
ReplyDeleteAnd Rule Number Three is: Remember your furry underwear - it gets cold in Hyperborea at night.
I think Rule Number Four is something about never starting a land war in Asia - or possibly never making a bet with a Sicilian when death is on the line. I can never remember.
Looks like the Rolling Head of Pantha has a new friend.
ReplyDeleteI heard Conan was eating in a tavern, and some guy dropped a spoon, and Conan flipped out and killed the whole village.
ReplyDeleteThere's a Thrud strip in which our barbarian hero does just that. Someone spills his pint in a tavern, and he massacres the entire town in retaliation.
ReplyDeleteThrud is funny.
Well honestly I was looking for something different, I expect a different rule, but I know you are right! That's the unique rule to achieve this.
ReplyDelete