Chuck Norris jokes are done. And not only that, but I've done them to death on this very blog with my bits on The Justice Riders and that one issue of Karate Kommandos. Even Dave Campbell did a piece on him last year, so it's safe to say that ol' Lone Wolf McQuade over there's about as novel as the mistranslated intro sequence to Zero Wing at this point.
I know this.
And I do not care, because this is the most awesome thing I have ever seen:
Those are Chuck Norris Action Jeans, and just in case your mind can't process it because you are too busy freaking out, they are pants specifically designed to be worn while you are kicking people in the face. And they retail for less than twenty dollars.
And that is just one of many, many mind-shattering images that lie within the pages of the September, 1988 issue of Inside Karate magazine that Ben loaned to me and--if I have any say in the matter--he will probably never get it back. It's 76 pages long, roughly two-thirds of which feature Chuck Norris, and the pages that don't are pretty much all forms for mail-ordering nunchucks.
It is, in short, the most perfect magazine ever published.
"...and this is the outfit I make my love in."
My God... It's full of Stars!
ReplyDeleteIf God wore pants, those would be them.
ReplyDeleteThose are obviously his jeans from Invasion U.S.A. where he drives around at random blowing the hell out of the terrorists who dared invade the U.S. and then blow up his swamp shack...
ReplyDeleteI think that the "Help! Let me out of here!" look on his face in the pyjama ad is the most expressive Norris has ever been.
ReplyDeleteSee, I know I'm opening myself up for ridicyule with thos comment, but THIS is what I was talking about when I said, "just thought you'd be interested " way, way back in the day with the wu-shu comment. Chris is, completely understandably, obsessed with Kung-fu.
ReplyDeleteSee, I know I'm opening myself up for ridicule with this comment, but THIS is what I was talking about when I said, "just thought you'd be interested " way, way back in the day with the wu-shu comment. Chris is, completely understandably, obsessed with Kung-fu.
ReplyDeleteAwe. Some.
ReplyDeleteis his "get-me-outta-here face" due to his roundhouse __ck?
ReplyDeleteACtion Jeans is my new wallpaper.
ReplyDeleteScrew the Action Jeans. I want the Official Chuck Norris Sexing-Pants.
ReplyDeleteGod Damn! His shlong goes down to his ankle!
ReplyDeleteMany months ago, I took to calling my cargo pants Action Pants, because they have several pockets ready for action. However, they are not specifically designed for Karate like these Action Jeans, and are thus inferior.
ReplyDeleteroundhouse _ _ c k goes to the knee, man!
ReplyDelete(and why did they made it so you could pass a credit card on that girl?)
These are no match for Haggar Action Slacks!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was young, foolish, and new to the Ways of the Asskicker, I toyed with buying a pair of these bad boys. Really. Have you ever tried to kick someone in the head in normal jeans? They bind up in the crotchal region and limit the height of the kick. A "gusset" 'round the nards would help with that. No sense booting someone in the face if it means you'll mash your own beans in the process.
Then again, it's mighty hard to win the ladies when wearing novelty trousers. "Hey, girls! Check out my pants and their special 'kicking gusset!'" Even Barry White couldn't make that sound alluring.
The funny thing is I can still remember that add in Black Belt magazine, back when I was in high-school. I wanted a pair, but I never stayed with Karate long enough to actually need them.
ReplyDeleteChuck Norris is one of my wife's least favorite celebrities.
ReplyDeleteI will divorce her immediately.
~P~
P-TOR
What I like most about the jeans ad--and let's be honest, there's a lot to like--is the implication that if those jeans were designed for high face-kicking, that means they probably had to test 'em, right? Like, someone brought Chuck Norris a bunch of different jeans, and he had to try 'em all on, and kick a dummy and say, "Nah, these bunch up," or "Did you hear that ripping sound" or "Hm, I can barely reach a guy's throat in these" until he found that pair that was juuuust right.
ReplyDeleteI know how to add that little hidden gusset to a pair of pants. it's shaped like a diamond and it's added as an extension the the back crotch curve and front crotch curve in the thigh only. The secret is to not add into the J part of the curve or you get that unfortunate "camel toe" thing. It's not difficult to do and many pants made these days have that pattern modification in them; especially if they are designed for sports. It's quite obvious in baseball pants, if you look at the pinstripes in the crotch of baseball pants you can see the diamond shaped gusset that's incorporated into the pattern shape. Of course if you make your jeans from a lycra blend then they stretch with you no matter how high you kick.
ReplyDeleteYes. There are people who think about these things. Yes, they teach this in fashion schools. And yes, this is totally cool talking about crotches and getting away with it.
This makes me wish I had saved all those ninja magazines I had bought.
ReplyDeleteI actually had a dream about Chuck Norris last night.
ReplyDeletebill is lucky he woke up from being kicked in the face.
ReplyDeleteThis is basically the best thing to happen to a catologue. Hands down.
ReplyDeleteI think you can find a knockoff of the Chuck Norris Sexy Pyjamas in the most recent International Male catalog. It doesn't look quite as manly, of course.
ReplyDeleteThe greatest part is the fine print- should they ever fail you, you get to buy a replacement pair at half-off the already low $19.99. Chuck gets to kick you in the wallet twice.
ReplyDeleteCan you still get these? Or am I going to have to trawl through some kung-fu thrift stores?
ReplyDeleteWhen Kevin Church mentioned that you had a "rather excellent post concerning Chuck Norris's pants," I immediately shouted "Gusset!"
ReplyDeleteThis attracted unwanted attention, sure, but I just couldn't help myself; those ads are indelibly etched on my brain. Even in my days of reading Kung Fu and Karate with deadly earnestness, and practicing ninja fall-and-rolls off my dad's workshop roof with no regard for life and limb, they used to crack me up.
Say, do you think they sell the moustache too?
ReplyDeleteWhere have all the karate-kicking face-footing cowboys gone indeed!
ReplyDeleteGiven your inclinations I thought you might appreciate these bad boys :-D
those are crotchtacular!
ReplyDeleteI actually own a pair of these.
ReplyDeleteBow down, mortals.
Although, you have no idea how awful they look.
But the feeling of wearing stretchy denim is damnably close to being Chuck himself.
Proof positive that God exists.
Olav
I want to shout about this from the mountaintops.
ReplyDeleteSince I can't do that, I'm linking to this from my page. This is too beautiful not to pass on.
Does he wear underpants?
ReplyDeletecoy @ piouscoy.com
If you woke up in the morning and put a pair of these on, and then kicked a guy to death at lunch, would that be premeditated?
ReplyDeleteThey are the preferred jeans of the Cobra Kai dojo.
ReplyDeleteIt is my sole mission in life to own those jeans.
ReplyDeleteTHEY WILL BE MINE!!!
MMMUUUuuuuuAAAAaaaaHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAahahahHAHAhahahaaaaaaaaaaa....kaff kaff...
We need a complete scan of the catalog... :)
ReplyDeleteUM, can we discuss the glorious close-up of the buttal region? Fantastic.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOSH! I Love Chuck, there is never too much Chuck!
ReplyDeleteThose jeans are great, i agree, we need a full catalog scan, please?
Came over here from Dooce!
About twenty years ago, I shared a house with a bunch of Penniless Film Student Oaves. Chuck Norris Action Jeans figured high on the list of Things to Make Jokes About. I had forgotten them until now. Thank you for re-opening old wounds...
ReplyDeleteit's about time someone made ass-kicking pants that were not only functional but emphasized a man's package.
ReplyDeletecheck it out, i found some real-life action jeans online! They are marketed to bikers, but I think they might just do the trick.
ReplyDeleteblog post about it
I've been involved in martial arts for 30+ years and remember those jeans very well.Actually bought a pair and was surprised at how comfortable they were.Except for a little "bunchiness", they were great.Everything from Chuck through Century is quality goods.I have no idea where those pants are now, but they were great fun.If you can get a pair,try 'em out.
ReplyDeleteProving yet again that Chuck Norris is the gayest human being on the planet. He couldn't kick his way out of a wet paper bag. Face it... [Anal] Invasion USA was his documentary about his first gay experience. I'm sure his love makin' pants have a hole in the rectum area for easy access. Chuck... you suck! Walker Texas Rump Ranger.
ReplyDeleteWHATEVER, WHATEVER, WHATEVER!! CHUCK NORRIS DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS!
ReplyDeleteas well as sporting hollywoods best tupe
ReplyDeleteThey're the only pants that give me trueaction satisfaction.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletejeans manufacturer
Top 10 Reasons Huck Will Pick Chuck As His VP
ReplyDeletehttp://www.voterswrite.org/2008/01/top-10-reasons.html
The Gusset design was incorporated into a popular 1980's product "Chi Pants" and these were sold for total comfort - just around the house or in the office.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately the company has been out of business, and I have been searching for a replacement for years!
I guess I should look into having the last pair that I still own copied by a competent tailor.
When you open a can of Whoop Ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
ReplyDeleteMy new name is Unique Hidden Gussett.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
This blog entry inspired an entry on my own blog. I write about sewing, pattern design, alterations, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I recently wrote about some common alterations to make pants fit better to satisfy a request from a sewing message board. I included a segment on the diamond crotch gusset (inspired by your blog entry) what it is and how it's added. If you are interested, the entry is here: http://lincatz.tripod.com/thelitterbox/index.blog/1830313/snakes-in-a-draina-look-at-the-crotch/
ReplyDeleteWhat will Chuck Norris eat at President McCain's inaugural dinner?
ReplyDeleteMREs filled with bloody meat.
Noooooo!!!!! It's just not true! Chuck Norris jokes are still making people laugh every day. My new site proves that Chuck Norris jokes are alive and well. Go rate your favorites and share some more.
ReplyDeleteNoooooo!!!!! It's just not true! Chuck Norris jokes are still making people laugh every day. My new site proves that Chuck Norris jokes are alive and well. Go rate your favorites and share some more.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the double comment - link didn't work the first time.
Dude sell me some Chuck Norris Action Jeans. I will give you my left nut (that's right, the good one) and my first born male child.
ReplyDeleteHoly Cats!! Memories...JCPenney 3.98
ReplyDeleteI remember seeing those in the Karate magazines when I was a young kid. Sweet
ReplyDeleteThe guy is totally just, and there is no skepticism.
ReplyDeleteIt can't truly have effect, I consider like this.
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Chuck Norris Jokes are also know as Chuck Norris Facts and people are still making new jokes/facts.
ReplyDeleteWould you believe I found this awesomeness researching sewing jeans? I am not kidding: https://threadtheory.ca/blogs/sew-alongs/16131896-jutland-sew-along-adding-a-gusset-and-removable-knee-pads
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This is the type of manual that needs to be given and not the random misinformation that’s at the other blogs.
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