Career Change

I was going to play D&D tonight with the gang, but that fell through, so I ended up having dinner with Scott down at the Egg Roll Chen, followed by standing out in the parking lot complaining loudly about comics for about a half hour. That was capped off by a one-armed panhandler asking us for change, which was a nicely added surreal touch to the whole evening.

The conversation with Scott focused mainly on the apparent lack of concern for continuity in comics, and the record-breaking lows in quality that a lot of them seem to have sunk to lately. As a result, I've decided that someone like me is not cut out for writing in the comics industry. In fact, there's only one place where my love for superheroes, slavish attention to detail, and apparent lack of talent can truly shine.

Yes, I'm talking about the world of erotic fan-fiction.

I'm pretty sure I can bang out some stories with a quality level and grasp of character motivation that meets or exceeds that of my competition, and with a more coherent continuity than the top books at Marvel. And, unless I'm misremembering, I'm pretty sure that Devin Grayson got her start this way. At any rate, they'll most likely be better than these cats.

Also, you can expect only the finest quality from my upcoming sexy superhero romps! Unlike other authors, I'll be using officially approved from the DC Encyclopedia and Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe. If Johnny Storm can only lift 250 pounds, you won't be seeing any reverse cowgirl with She-Hulk!

So what CAN you expect from my stories? Well take a look at the solicitations!

• Wolverine adds Emma Frost, Spider-Woman, and Namorita to his list of sexual conquests in the requisite new series Wolverine Has Sex With Every Female Character in the Marvel Universe #1 (Of 36). But then again, who hasn't?
• Deadshot, Bronze Tiger, and Vixen welcome the Tarantula to Task Force seX in a slightly erotic and wholly disturbing way in Suicide Squad Sex Special #1. But look out! One of them won't be coming home.
• After teaming up to stop Orgo the Unconquerable, Moon Knight and Speedball realize that they share the love that dare not speak its name. But will Frenchy's jealousy prove their undoing?
• With Spider-Man in France with his dead true love's daughter (who looks exactly like her mother, down to the freaking headband), Mary Jane finds comfort in the arms of the Black Cat. (Editor's Note: For those of you not familiar with the genre, "finds comfort" in this context always means "has lesbian sex with")
• A Global Peace Agency experiment gone awry rips a hole in the very fabric of spacetime, sending the One Man Army Corps back to the Hyborian age! Will he win the heart and chainmail panties of the insatiable Red Sonja? And whose side is Brother Eye really on?

So there's my horrid and potentially lawsuit-inducing new career path. The sad part? Worse stuff than that actually exists.

Phil, I hope you're happy.