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Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Chronicles of Solomon Stone

Some of the more astute readers out there may have noticed that over the past week, the ISB's been heavy on the images and light on the text. This is not, as some of my critics have claimed, because I've been devoting the majority of my time to saving Princess Zelda and exploring the many delights that Netflix has to offer. The real reason I've been light on the words around here?

I've been putting the finishing touches on my novel.

That's right: In an effort to advance the ISB's Master Plan for Total Internet Domination, I've branched out into yet another medium. Once I first broke through the print barrier with my work for CRACKED Magazine, it was really only a matter of time and careful planning, and I'm happy to announce that all the hours I've spent analyzing market trends and studying the most bankable fiction on the shelf have finally paid off. This spring, you'll be able to walk into your local bookseller and purchase a copy of...

The Chronicles of Solomon Stone: Book One:
Enter: Solomon: Stone Me Deadly!


It's the epic tale of Solomon Stone, a hard-boiled half-vampire private detective who uncovers a deadly conspiracy within the ranks of the Catholic church just before he finds out that he's actually a wizard. It's like Die Hard meets Ulysses meets The Worst Witch, and I can personally guarantee at least twenty-seven exclamation points on every single page.

Need some proof? Check out this excerpt from Chapter 14: Deadly Is The Hydra!




Solomon Stone stood at the top of the ramp, gritting his teeth as he loosened his necktie. "Damn!" he shouted, the sound of his manly swearing echoing from the arched stone chamber thirteen levels below the Vatican. "The Zombie Cardinals have outdone themselves with this sinister deathtrap!"

"Crikey, Solomon!" screamed his lady love, Minxy Flatbush. Her falsetto shrieking was matched in intensity only by the heaving of her bosom, rising and falling in a totally hot manner due to her panic. "They've got me chained up here for some kind of bloody sacrifice, and I fink I saw summat movin' down there!"

"Shut up and hang on, baby," Solomon replied. He moved to the edge of the ramp before him, his computer-like brain calculating all kinds of math as he prepared. "Damn! I've only got one shot at this! And if today's the day that I feel Death's clammy handshake, then damn it, I'll go out kicking it radical!"

And with that, he kicked off, riding his skateboard to the certain doom that would await him below! The board picked up speed as Solomon crouched, waiting for exactly the right moment to kick off from the smoothish stones beneath his feet, which he subsequently did at exactly the right time. He sailed through the air, time slowing down for his half-vampire senses as he executed a perfect kickflip, drawing twin uzis from his Pockets of Boundless Storage.

"OH SHIIIIIII--" screamed Minxy, her lady parts quivering with fear and desire all at the same time.

The reason for her panic--and for Solmon's sudden gunplay--quickly became evident as a hydra rose from the bottomless acid pit, its rotting scales marking it as a zombie, imported from foreign lands during the Shadow Crusade something like five hundred years ago.



"Double your fun, Sigmund!" muttered Solomon through gritted teeth, unloading two full clips of dynamite-tipped hollowpoints on the monster, which blew it up like crazy as he perfectly landed his trip on the dais where Minxy was chained. She gasped, partly from the reisidual fear of the big monster, but mostly due to being overwhelmed with Solmon's manliness.

"Oh Solomon! I thought I was a goner, an' you bloody well saved me!"

"Shut up, baby. I know it," he replied, shattering her chains with one chi-powered kung fu kick. "I would've been here sooner but I had to decipher the hidden Fibonacci Sequence embedded in the Sistene Chapel. Now let's go kick the Zombie Pope's ass." But before he could finish, Minxy stepped forward and rubbed up on him. Then they started Frenching, and he dropped his smoking uzi to the floor.

And then they did it.

Did it hard.





Pulitzer Prize committee, I hope you were paying attention.

Anyway, if it does well--and I think we can all agree here that it will--it'll be the start of an entire saga. In fact, I've already entered into the final editing phase for TCOSS: Book Two: Solomon's Fury: A Stone In Time and TCOSS Book Three: Solomon Stone Fucks Up Some Werewolves. Also, I'm pretty sure that just by virtue of announcing this, there's already fan-fiction about it.

So do yourself a favor, friends: Head to your local bookstore and tell them that it's time to get Stoned...

SOLOMON STONED!

61 Comments:

Blogger Ragnell said...

Oh dear.

1/22/2007 1:59 AM

 
Blogger McGone said...

Gawddamn, chicks with accents are hot.

(Having typed that, I just made Ragnell's head explode)

I am going to do everything I can to make "and he dropped his smoking uzi to the floor" a sentence my friends use daily... I'll be damned if that's not a euphemism for something.

1/22/2007 2:17 AM

 
Anonymous iain said...

Surely a book written by Chris Sims should; nay, *MUST*; include at least one face-kick per double-page text spread?

1/22/2007 3:10 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goddamn. That was so awesome it reached out through the monitor and kicked my ass.

Kicked it HARD.

1/22/2007 3:35 AM

 
Anonymous Spiffy G. said...

Are you fucking serious?

1/22/2007 4:13 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! They really will give anyone a book deal.

1/22/2007 4:16 AM

 
Anonymous Stabby said...

Truly a sad commentary on America's reading habits.

1/22/2007 4:17 AM

 
Blogger Nimbus said...

"dynamite-tipped hollowpoints"

Marvellous!

I'm not sure about Minxy's accent though. Do the Italians really talk like that?

However, Chris, I'm afraid you lost my interest at the end of that excerpt. Why did you have to ruin a perfectly good action story with all that sloppy love and romance stuff at the end?

1/22/2007 5:08 AM

 
Anonymous teamsmithy said...

My lady parts are so quivering right now.

1/22/2007 6:18 AM

 
Anonymous Josh said...

I'd read it, if only for the zombie pope. Zombie Pope-saving souls and eating brains since 1200 AD!

1/22/2007 6:48 AM

 
Anonymous ryan said...

how about...

solomon stone : revengeance of the zombie pope : the revengening ( a rock
opera in six parts).

one-liners will abound, as will six figure book deals.

yeah baby, you know it.

1/22/2007 6:50 AM

 
Anonymous Brian said...

I look forward to the day I can google 'Solomon Stone Transformers slash fic' and get a dozen results.

Probably, oh, this Friday?

1/22/2007 7:58 AM

 
Anonymous Lamont A. Cranston said...

You had me at "perfect kickflip."

1/22/2007 8:10 AM

 
Blogger SallyP said...

Well...MY breast was heaving as I read this. Of course I'm also just getting over stomach flu.

ChIris...you have outdone yourself
In ways that I cannot even fathom.

1/22/2007 8:18 AM

 
Anonymous Jack Potts said...

Somewhere on The Flying Fist Ranch, Beau Smith just wept and ordered a a bottle of peach nail polish with sparkles and a pink chiffon dress, because he knows that in his whiskey and beer soaked heart that there is NO WAY he can out-manly that!

1/22/2007 8:56 AM

 
Anonymous The Mutt said...

"Then they started Frenching, and he dropped his smoking uzi to the floor."

Only Bill O'Reilly himself could match such turgid prose.

1/22/2007 9:32 AM

 
Blogger JYD said...

If, by December 31st, that hasn't remained as the funniest thing I have read all year then we've pretty much had the funniest year of all time, in the history of all things.

1/22/2007 9:41 AM

 
Anonymous Dave Lartigue said...

They may as well just stop publishign books afterwards.

1/22/2007 10:15 AM

 
Blogger Jeff said...

I'm ready for a Solomon Stoned / Tek Jansen team-up.

1/22/2007 10:26 AM

 
Blogger Matthew E said...

Now that's what I call Real Ultimate Power. I can't believe it, yet I know in my heart that it is true.

1/22/2007 11:02 AM

 
Blogger Jeff said...

"Shut up, baby. I know it," is going to be how I handle every domestic dispute in my house from now on.

"You forgot to do the wash again!"
"Shut up, baby. I know it."

There's no way it can fail.

1/22/2007 11:28 AM

 
Blogger Bill said...

Everything I do from this point forward I will attempt to do while "kicking it radical."

1/22/2007 11:35 AM

 
Blogger Monty said...

For some reason, my favorite part was the word "smoothish".

1/22/2007 12:02 PM

 
Blogger gorjus said...

So, so awesome.

""Shut up and hang on, baby," is my new mantra.

1/22/2007 12:04 PM

 
Anonymous captain supercool said...

I'm waiting for a Solomon Stone / Gideon Stargrave team up. Even the writing styles are somewhat similar. It would be an explosion of awesome.

1/22/2007 12:35 PM

 
Blogger Pope Impious XXIII said...

Hmm.. I can work out a tagline for the dust jacket for you..

"Solomon Stone is a modern-day masterpiece of taut, heaving action. A must-read by any estimation, this is the one book that truly lives up to the hype. Everybody must get Stoned'!"

1/22/2007 12:50 PM

 
Anonymous Danicus said...

please, dear god, be serious.

1/22/2007 1:04 PM

 
Anonymous Danicus said...

by serious i mean in that a new book is in fact coming out, not in a 'quit joking around' kind of way

1/22/2007 1:05 PM

 
Blogger Dr. Haus said...

Wait, didn't Stephen Colbert already do this with "Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure?" You'll have to work hard to beat that awesome writing!

1/22/2007 1:16 PM

 
Anonymous the other chris said...

"Minxy Flatbush"?

Ha!

I demand more excerpts!

1/22/2007 1:19 PM

 
Blogger David Campbell said...

That punched me in the CROTCH with a fistful of AWESOME.

1/22/2007 1:20 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having just watched all three Rambo movies in a row, I find this a bit underwhelming. Stick to blogging.

1/22/2007 1:44 PM

 
Blogger jonni said...

You know, there's awesome, there's face meltingly awesome, and then there's punching Campbell in the crotch with awesomenessecessittity!

Yeah, I done a laugh!

1/22/2007 1:44 PM

 
Anonymous Old Smokey said...

I'm gonna tell you what I liked and didn't like.

While the action scenes were exciting, it seems they were aimed at what a specific group of fanboys considers "cool". Furthermore, they seem to be a rehash of already produced material, and not nearly as exciting. Just a bunch of faux toughness really.

Secondly, do you really think all that "chi-powered kung fu" eastern mystic crap would cut it against the zombie Pope?

And the prose is so juvenile. I suggest you go for a more exposition driven silver-age prose.

"Did it hard." Yeah, no!

Finally, I just don't feel for the characters. The feel more like devices for the writer to act out his adolescent fantasies thn real people.

1/22/2007 4:19 PM

 
Anonymous Uncle Cubby said...

Not only would I buy this in hardcover for $20, I would recommend it to others. Harper-Collins, do you hear me?!?

1/22/2007 4:26 PM

 
Blogger bitterandrew said...

Good work, Chris. That "Successful Writing Through Demographomancy" correspondence course seems to be paying dividends.

1/22/2007 5:08 PM

 
Blogger MD said...

"dynamite-tipped hollowpoints"

God bless the NRA

1/22/2007 5:21 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As much as I love Minxy Flatbush, my favorite part about this column is the scattering of haters in the comments section. One or two of them I think are running the double-bluff, but others have me mystified. I've decided that they're dyed-in-the-wool Anita Blake fans who've been lying in wait for Chris for months now, and see this as their big chance.

1/22/2007 5:54 PM

 
Blogger Ferrous Buller said...

I'm gonna go out on a limb and declare that Solomon Stone could kick the collective ass of the entire cast of Anita Blake - with or without his twin Uzis.

That's right. I called it.

1/22/2007 6:27 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I've decided that they're dyed-in-the-wool Anita Blake fans who've been lying in wait for Chris for months now, and see this as their big chance."

Using that smae logic, I could say that the people praising it because Chris wrote it and they have nothing better to do than suck up. Sycophants are common in blog comments.

1/22/2007 6:31 PM

 
Anonymous the dark knight said...

I didn't count more than fourteen exclamation points in that excerpt.
I'd like my refund now.

1/22/2007 6:35 PM

 
Anonymous old smokey said...

I'm not a hater, I'm a critic.

And don't you ever call me an Anita Blake fan, or God help me, I will ruin you, and you household!

1/22/2007 6:38 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That read like some weird Vampire Chronicles/Rambo fanfic.

1/22/2007 6:45 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only awesome.

1/22/2007 7:08 PM

 
Anonymous Gin Rummy said...

A couple of thoughts....
I look forward to seeing that book with one of those little oprah book club stickers on it. Milk that cash cow! Milk it for buckets of super model money!
and
"Does bosom mean tit?"-Wild bill Hickock

1/22/2007 7:33 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it bad that the thing I find least believable about this is that martial arts apparently work? I can go with the zombie pope, but trust me, in a street fight, that kung fu shit won't cut it.

Nice, but edit it so it reads less fanfictiony.

1/22/2007 7:51 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This piece borders the exact space between really cool and really stupid.

1/22/2007 8:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not convinced there's anything that manly about cursing. Clint Eastwood never swore in "Man with no name". It shows a lack of discipline. I think a strong, silent hero is much cooler. And skateboarding is more fit for a teenage anti-hero than a hardboiled detective.

And if they're in such a rush, why do they stop to have sex? Doesn't that defeat the purpose running around everywhere?

But enough nitpicking. Good job Chris.

1/22/2007 8:07 PM

 
Anonymous Eric the .5b said...

Pulitzer?

Don't be silly.

Nobel Prize for Literature. For reals.

1/22/2007 8:15 PM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

trust me, in a street fight, that kung fu shit won't cut it.

So just to clarify here, you have no problem whatsoever with the part where he's half vampire fighting a zombie hydra?

1/22/2007 8:29 PM

 
Blogger Jon Hex said...

The man skateboards in white shirt, tie and blue pants (which also have Pockets of Boundless Storage), can kill a Zombie Hydra with bullets and can get action while repeatedly telling the girl to "shut up"(a feat only matched by Inuyasha).

I can't wait to get STONED!

1/22/2007 9:34 PM

 
Anonymous lowland_rider said...

I want to see Mike Mignola draw this story.

...What? I do!

1/22/2007 9:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"So just to clarify here, you have no problem whatsoever with the part where he's half vampire fighting a zombie hydra?

No, but the half-vampire thing might come off as a little "Anne Rice".

And as to what the other guy said about swearing; True, real men don't swear, but half-vampires do, or so I presume. But yeah, I don't remember John Wayne swearing in any of his movies either.

1/22/2007 10:02 PM

 
Blogger timmdrums said...

Holy S^&*, Sims. This is so dope it should come with it's own soundtrack - Pantera, the Dandy Warhols, the Cramps, and, um, Dean Martin. I must have my autographed copy, and NOW!

1/22/2007 11:30 PM

 
Blogger Carla said...

I'll proudly shelve it next to the Tek Jansen novels. =)

1/23/2007 1:29 AM

 
Blogger Jeffrey Hardy Quah said...

I realise that there are, in theory, haters on nearly every blog, but it boggles the mind that there are any here. I mean, how can anyone not like Chris and what he's done with this blog? I've never met Mr. Sims before in my life and likely never will but he seems like a very hard guy to dislike, judging from his writing alone.

And I want to name my kid Solomon Stone, even if it turns out to be a girl.

1/23/2007 11:55 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the suck-ups are more annoying that the "haters". It's not that I don't like Chris, I wouldn't read every day if I didn't, I just found this to be pretty stupid.

1/24/2007 4:15 AM

 
Blogger MarkAndrew said...

Oh. So.. um... yeah.

I liked to this on the "Not Particularlly Intelligent Freshman English Teacher Wannabe Homepage"

My bad. I was assuming they'd be astute enough to pick up on the Jungian meta-commentary on synchronisal Animus as it relates to the Quing Dynasty Famine of 1867.

But was not to be.

(Buuuut seriously: DID this get linked to some community of people who aren't good at, like, getting things, and identifying awesome?)

1/24/2007 5:02 PM

 
Anonymous shikomekidomi said...

I always love it when people come out with what appear to be serious critiques of when an author is intentionally writing the most over the top drivel they can in an attempt to be amusing (the author, not the serious people, though they're pretty amusing too).

3/17/2007 9:26 PM

 
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12/12/2008 9:33 AM

 
Blogger Phillip said...

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4/06/2009 6:22 AM

 

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