The Chronicles of Solomon Stone
Some of the more astute readers out there may have noticed that over the past week, the ISB's been heavy on the images and light on the text. This is not, as some of my critics have claimed, because I've been devoting the majority of my time to saving Princess Zelda and exploring the many delights that Netflix has to offer. The real reason I've been light on the words around here?
I've been putting the finishing touches on my novel.
That's right: In an effort to advance the ISB's Master Plan for Total Internet Domination, I've branched out into yet another medium. Once I first broke through the print barrier with my work for CRACKED Magazine, it was really only a matter of time and careful planning, and I'm happy to announce that all the hours I've spent analyzing market trends and studying the most bankable fiction on the shelf have finally paid off. This spring, you'll be able to walk into your local bookseller and purchase a copy of...
Enter: Solomon: Stone Me Deadly!
It's the epic tale of Solomon Stone, a hard-boiled half-vampire private detective who uncovers a deadly conspiracy within the ranks of the Catholic church just before he finds out that he's actually a wizard. It's like Die Hard meets Ulysses meets The Worst Witch, and I can personally guarantee at least twenty-seven exclamation points on every single page.
Need some proof? Check out this excerpt from Chapter 14: Deadly Is The Hydra!
Solomon Stone stood at the top of the ramp, gritting his teeth as he loosened his necktie. "Damn!" he shouted, the sound of his manly swearing echoing from the arched stone chamber thirteen levels below the Vatican. "The Zombie Cardinals have outdone themselves with this sinister deathtrap!"
"Crikey, Solomon!" screamed his lady love, Minxy Flatbush. Her falsetto shrieking was matched in intensity only by the heaving of her bosom, rising and falling in a totally hot manner due to her panic. "They've got me chained up here for some kind of bloody sacrifice, and I fink I saw summat movin' down there!"
"Shut up and hang on, baby," Solomon replied. He moved to the edge of the ramp before him, his computer-like brain calculating all kinds of math as he prepared. "Damn! I've only got one shot at this! And if today's the day that I feel Death's clammy handshake, then damn it, I'll go out kicking it radical!"
And with that, he kicked off, riding his skateboard to the certain doom that would await him below! The board picked up speed as Solomon crouched, waiting for exactly the right moment to kick off from the smoothish stones beneath his feet, which he subsequently did at exactly the right time. He sailed through the air, time slowing down for his half-vampire senses as he executed a perfect kickflip, drawing twin uzis from his Pockets of Boundless Storage.
"OH SHIIIIIII--" screamed Minxy, her lady parts quivering with fear and desire all at the same time.
The reason for her panic--and for Solmon's sudden gunplay--quickly became evident as a hydra rose from the bottomless acid pit, its rotting scales marking it as a zombie, imported from foreign lands during the Shadow Crusade something like five hundred years ago.
"Double your fun, Sigmund!" muttered Solomon through gritted teeth, unloading two full clips of dynamite-tipped hollowpoints on the monster, which blew it up like crazy as he perfectly landed his trip on the dais where Minxy was chained. She gasped, partly from the reisidual fear of the big monster, but mostly due to being overwhelmed with Solmon's manliness.
"Oh Solomon! I thought I was a goner, an' you bloody well saved me!"
"Shut up, baby. I know it," he replied, shattering her chains with one chi-powered kung fu kick. "I would've been here sooner but I had to decipher the hidden Fibonacci Sequence embedded in the Sistene Chapel. Now let's go kick the Zombie Pope's ass." But before he could finish, Minxy stepped forward and rubbed up on him. Then they started Frenching, and he dropped his smoking uzi to the floor.
And then they did it.
Did it hard.
Pulitzer Prize committee, I hope you were paying attention.
Anyway, if it does well--and I think we can all agree here that it will--it'll be the start of an entire saga. In fact, I've already entered into the final editing phase for TCOSS: Book Two: Solomon's Fury: A Stone In Time and TCOSS Book Three: Solomon Stone Fucks Up Some Werewolves. Also, I'm pretty sure that just by virtue of announcing this, there's already fan-fiction about it.
So do yourself a favor, friends: Head to your local bookstore and tell them that it's time to get Stoned...