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Friday, August 04, 2006

Can Nothing Stop Computo?!

Earlier this week, I mentioned a scene from "Colossal Boy's One-Man War" in Adventure Comics #341, wherein everyone was under the mistaken impression that Triplicate Girl had been annihilated by Computo, despite the fact that she was standing literally two feet away from them.

And surprisingly, that's not the craziest thing that happens in this story. Not by a long shot.

Written by Edmond Hamilton--whose nigh-unparalleled genius brought us the Legion of Substitute Heroes--and Jerry Siegel, and with art, of course, by Curt Swan, this thing is a non-stop three-part parade of awesome. Here's how it all goes down:

In our last installment, Brainiac 5 created a towering robot called Computo, programming it with an insatiable thirst for knowledge. So how's that workin' out for you, Brainy?



Not that well, apparently.

But wait a second, that can't be right. Querl Dox is a twelfth-level intelligence, and accidentally programming genocidal urges into an indestructable monolithic robot is a pretty careless mistake. Let's take a look at the blueprints and see if we can't figure out where this whole thing went wrong.



Why exactly Brainiac built a computer with disintegrator rays--or even tank treads, for that matter--we may never know, but before long, Computo's built an army of robot duplicates, decided--as you might expect--that human emotions are inefficient and therefore must be destroyed, and blasted one of Triplicate Girl's bodies to atoms. And that's probably not what he had in mind.

Regardless, Computo's on a rampage, and he's given the Legionnaires that he hasn't imprisoned in various robot head-bubbles 24 hours to get off the planet or be destroyed, leaving them to reconvene and plan their counterattack in what might not be the smartest move he ever made. Fortunately, they're a little bit preoccupied with planning a funeral for Triplicate Girl, which is pretty hard to do since she's been reduced to her component particles.

Fortunately, Brainiac's around to solve this problem, getting Superboy, Mon-El, and Ultra Boy to construct a rocket-powered casket--which, oddly enough given that it's Brainy's plans they're working from, does not have drills for hands and an irrational hatred of humans--which collects Luornu's remains and sends them to Shanghalla, The Heroic Graveyard of Outer Spaaaaace!



Personally, I like the fact that the Legionnaires didn't even bother to write her a proper epitaph, opting instead to sign their own names, which is the postmortem equivalent of "Have a nice summer," and the super-heroine who slipped on a banana peel and died--but even that pales in comparison to what was undoubtedly the Sensational Character Find of 2966.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

HATE FACE!


The fact that we don't have at least a twelve-issue miniseries detailing that guy's life and times is a frigg'n tragedy.

Anyway, this is where it starts to get totally awesome, as the rest of Triplicate Girl finally shows up and announces she's going to be called Duo Damsel from now on, but otherwise seems pretty unconcerned about her partial disintegration. Which is good, because there's no more time for tears as the Legion unveils its secret weapon:

THE WEIRDO LEGIONNAIRE


As it turns out, it's just Proty II creating a diversion while Colossal Boy pretends to go crazy and frees a few of Computo's captives in the "One Man War" alluded to on the cover that lasts a grand total of three panels, but sweet Christmas! A three-headed, four-armed, tentacle-waving bare-chested fin-legged buck-toothed monstrosity that still has to use a nuclear-powered handgun might just be the best diversionary tactic in the history of comics.

Once they've got the whole team back together, the Legionnaires retreat to a place where they assume even Computo won't be able to find them, instructing Superboy to tunnel underneath a futuristic Gotham City, where the Legion of Super-Heroes hides out in the Batcave, and that is awesome.

But not as awesome as Brainiac's next plan of action:

BIZARRO-COMPUTO!


Holy frigg'n crap! Seriously, the sheer radness of Bizarro-Computo can't be calculated by the hands of mere mortals, but there is no way in Hell that plan could've possibly worked. I guarantee that if Hamilton and Siegel hadn't already crammed thirty two words into Superboy's balloon, the next seven would've been "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Computo shares my feelings on the matter:



Shortly thereafter, Brainiac finally comes to his senses and blows up Computo and his army of robots by unleashing an antimatter reaction that has a chance of destroying the entire universe, but not before Bouncing Boy returns and gets his powers back, taking on Computo in an attempt that redefines the term "utter failure."

Because in the mad world of the three-oh-cee, being the smartest one around means accidentally building a genocidal robot, getting one of your friends killed, and then fixing everything by almost destroying the universe.

The keyword, I believe, being "almost."




More Mind-Shattering Excitement With the Legion:
| Revolt of the Girl Legionnaires |
| Just So You Know... |
| The Crank File: Adventure #303 |
| Just So We're Clear On This... |
| Jimmy Olsen: Chick Magnet... of the Future! |
| The Superboy Sound Effect Showdown |
| Superboy Prime is Entering a World of Pain |
| Badass Week Finale: The Toughest Woman in Comics |

164 Comments:

Anonymous Chawunky said...

Holy crap that's awesome. And a most hilarious recap. I salute you.

8/05/2006 9:52 AM

 
Anonymous Tycho Brahe said...

The only way that could be more EXTREME would be if the Legionnaires all drank Mountain Dew at the end. Wow!

8/05/2006 11:15 AM

 
Anonymous Jonathan Miller said...

I love the COMPUTO story, but have to admit, it's not as awesome as the next time Brainy created a world/universe-destroying monstrosity and it was finally defeated by Matter-Eater Lad.

I kid you not.

8/05/2006 1:57 PM

 
Blogger Derek said...

Um...

Is Bizarro-Computo Conky from Pee Wee's Playhouse?

8/05/2006 4:03 PM

 
Anonymous Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

Don't let Robby over at Dial B for Blog see Bizarro Computo. We'll never hear the end of it.

That IS pretty friggin awesome though.

8/05/2006 4:45 PM

 
Blogger Mark said...

How could "nothing" stop Computo? Maybe "anything" could instead.

Sorry to come over all Lynn Truss, but maybe Ed Hamilton coulda done with some grammar lessons.

8/05/2006 5:16 PM

 
Anonymous Fiendenstein said...

I love this blog, its possibly what the internet was created for. But still, I've seen some weird crap in my time and have yet to succumb ot freaking out....until I saw Hate Face.

I have the first 40 or something Gen 13s by the way, and the trades, and the spin offs, hence my iron constitution.

8/05/2006 6:55 PM

 
Blogger Bill Reed said...

My comment was going to be about asking for a Hate-Face ongoing. And then I scrolled down and noted that you had pointed him out for being awesome as well.

And the banana peel girl... ha! And Bizarro Computo... My mind is blown.

And poor Beast Boy. Or Beast Boy II.

8/05/2006 7:56 PM

 
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Hate Face is Love.

8/06/2006 1:24 AM

 
Blogger googum said...

Holy crow, Hate Face was real? He was mentioned in one of the Giffen 5 Years Later...stories. One with Matter-Eater Lad and a ton of other weird crap. Say what you will about the Legion's dumb names, they stick with you.

8/06/2006 4:15 AM

 
Anonymous Moose N Squirrel said...

Oh, Computo! I want to write and draw your twelve-issue maxiseries now!

8/06/2006 1:14 PM

 
Anonymous Christopher said...

So... was Braniac hit by a moron ray or what?

And how did he keep his job? I mean, you need a power to be in the legion, and "Building indestructable genocidal robots" is really more at home with Color Kid and that guy who culd turn into a statue.

Speaking of, why didn't Superboy just punch Computo?

Also, did they have to use an actual picture of that girl slipping on a banana peel? Couldn't they have shown her fighting a monster or something? I mean, jeeze, show some respect.

8/06/2006 3:46 PM

 
Anonymous ABS said...

Wow, here I thought Hank Pym creating Ultron was pretty bad-ass-by-way-of-sheer-ineptitude, but then you punch me in the face with this.

Also, is it just me (and my colorblindness) or is Hate Face just a bad driver's license picture of Blue Devil?

8/11/2006 4:36 PM

 
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Say, is there any way someone could translate this into Spanish? ;)

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