Jimmy Olsen: The Wilt Chamberlain of His Day
I hate to be the guy who's always harping on about the Legion of Super-Heroes, but as I make my way through the Archives, I'm becoming more and more convinced that those stories were not crafted from words and pictures, but rather some form of concentrated, tangible insanity.
The good kind.
And that's what brings us to tonight's topic, which may very well be the apex of Silver Age Craziness. Yes, it's not just the Legion tonight, folks: Mister Action's in the house, and he's lookin' for love. Behold! I give you...
Yeah, that's right: Jimmy tagged Saturn Girl, back when that meant something.
Or did he?! Here's how it all goes down: Our story begins with what may be, pound for pound, the best splash panel in the entire Archive:
Not only has Jimmy's line become my new personal mantra, but the rest of it's even better. Admittedly, it's not exactly up there with Jimmy's little misadventure in the guise of Dick Hunter, Elevator Boy, but it just doesn't stop. If it isn't Saturn Girl claiming to love "every adorable inch of him," it's the intro that claims Triplicate Girl is going to "romance Jimmy like a terrific threesome." And although I can't seem to find an entry for it in Overstreet, Light Lass's dialogue might just be the first appearance of the word "hussy" in comics.
Rest assured, it won't be the last.
Anyway, back in the present--which in this context is forty-two years ago--we find Jimmy preparing for a date with Lucy Lane. He's gone broke getting everything set up for a romantic evening, including a pheasant, champagne cocktails, and a brand new purple smoking jacket, because nothing says "let's go make love heterosexually" than a silken purple robe. Things, as you may imagine, don't quite go off according to plan.
Wow. Lucy's a hateful bitch.
Before long, Sun Boy and Ultra Boy show up in a time-bubble, apparently acting as Jimmy's wingmen--Of The Future!--and drag him off to the 30th century before Lucy can emasculate him any more than she already has. Apparently, his Legion Reservist status requires him to go on a mission every so often.
Two weekends a month. Two weeks a year. In the Legion of Super-Heroes Reserve, You Can!
Anyway, everybody's off chasing down the Brain Globes of Rimbor or whatever, so Jimmy gets partnered up with resident beauties Triplicate Girl, Saturn Girl, and the pretty-but-still-mannish-enough-to-pass-for-her-own-brother Light Lass, and given back his Elastic Lad powers for the duration of his stay in The Future.
Jimmy and Triplicate Girl run into a museum robber, but Jimmy defeats him by elongating his fingers into a maze, trapping him until he passes out, allegedly from "exhaustion." Me, I'm leaning towards the abject horror of being trapped in a labrynth made of Jimmy's rubbery, pulsating flesh. Just typing that sentence gives me the jibblies.
Triplicate Girl, however, is not nearly as squeamish as I am, and is so impressed that she coils herself around Jimmy...
...and lays a smooch on him for his troubles.
The same thing happens with Light Lass when Jimmy's able to save her from a broken monorail, and with Saturn Girl when he elongates his nose to rub against what appears to be Pre-Crisis Strong Sad, at which point the Gals of the Legion--incidentally the top-selling calendar of 2964--have a throwdown over Jimmy's affections.
But alas, before Triplicate Girl gets a chance to rip off Saturn Girl's uniform just as a passing hover-truck full of baby oil swerves to avoid them, it's time for Jimmy to head back to 1964 and his date with a horrid shrew, leaving the girls to laugh and laugh at their masterful trickery:
What?! They weren't really in love with Jimmy?
Of course not. They're the Legion of Super-Heroes. They don't use their fantastic technology to bring you to the future without royally screwing with your head. It's in the charter.
When members of the Legion--who, if you'll remember, have the incredible technology of The Future at their disposal--need to make decisions about who goes on a mission, they don't trust it to anything as crude as a computer or even a pair of dice.
No, they use...
And they use it with alarming regularity.
More Fun with the Legion:
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| The Crank File: Adventure #303 |
| Just So We're Clear On This... |