The Abridged Civil War, Part One
Here at the ISB, it's one of my founding principles that I don't just tell you what to read, I actually go so far as to read things for you, sacrificing my own time so that you, gentle reader, can go out and, I don't know, get a girl or something while I'm sitting here trying to crack jokes about Skateman.
It is in this spirit, then, that I offer tonight's presentation, for those of you that aren't keeping up with Marvel's current seven-part "event," Civil War. And this time--in a format that was originally inspired by the cover to League of Extraordinary Gentlemen #6, but, now that I think of it, ended up having a lot more in common with Jerry Reed's "She Got the Gold Mine (I Got The Shaft)--I'm doing it in rhyme.
Here we go with Civil War!
When Superheroes Congress try to ban!
Who's the bad guy? Doctor Doom?
Thanos? Ultron? Fin Fang Foom?
Well, actually, y'see, it's Iron Man.
This is how it happened:
When they came on villains nappin',
The New Warriors, they knew just what to do.
"We can take 'em, Namorita!
Season 2'll be much sweeter!
Now c'mon, let's go! We few, we happy few!"
Alas, it was the Warriors' doom
When the bad guy went KABOOM!
(along with most of Stamford and some kids).
Really, though: they had to know,
That guy's frigg'n name's Nitro!
But that was when things really hit the skids.
Such destruction! Can't imagine!
Not like that one time when Manhattan
Was invaded by Atlantis, Snakes, or Space.
Or when Hell on Earth erupted,
Or the President Corrupted--
But let's continue moving on apace.
"Listen here!" said old John Q.,
"This is what we're gonna do:
A registry to keep you all in line!"
Iron Man had this to say:
"Although I've mindwiped in my day
And lied and drank and perjured, that seems fine."
There was, however, one slight snag:
"This lack of freedom's such a drag,"
Captain America said with a frown.
The Sentinel of Liberty
Said "Yeah, this whole thing's not for me.
So back up, lest I'm forced to take you down.
"I don't mean to be so crass,
But Tony Stark can kiss my ass."
And then he took the Helicarrier to school.
Then Cap rode atop a jet,
Fed the pilot (He's a vet)
And honestly? That's pretty fuckin' cool.
Iron Man took him to task,
So Peter Parker lost his mask,
And added that he had some things to say:
"Although ol' Jonah's gonna steam,
I've been Spidey since fifteen!
Boy, I hope nobody kills my dear Aunt May!"
Meanwhile, in Cap's base-a-ment:
"We'll have to fight the government!
And I know just who I want on my team!"
"The Young Avengers, if you please
And round it out with Hercules!
Daredevil, too (at least that's who it seems)!"
Black Goliath's here to stay,
Cloak and Dagger? What the hey!
Cable? Sure, why not? He's got that arm."
"We'll get some new identities
Like Victor Tegler from I.T.,
And that should keep us (mostly) safe from harm."
"But we're gonna need new clothes,
And I'll go break Hank Pym's nose
'Cause I always really thought that he's a dick."
What's this? The IDs compromised?
Already Deadpool's gotten wise?
After what, like just one day? Well that was quick.
So much for the underground,
Let's all have a big showdown!
With Spider-Man just acting like a jerk.
Really, Peter: Not the time.
I realize that's how you fight crime.
But right now, stupid jokes aren't going to work.
So There you have it: Reed's a dick.
Pete's a lackey, Cap's been licked.
And now we've got a turncoat Mighty Thor!
Four more issues left to go
(Plus the tie-ins, forty mo')
In this rassin' frassin' complicated Civil War!