Pity the Fool

So in case you missed it, I'm on the rebound here at the ISB. And what better way to rebound than by venting my anger on those hapless, unloved souls who cross my path? But first, a few words about April Fool's Day.

I'm pretty well known in my circle of friends for being a fan of a certain holiday that's 268 days from now, but I can't deny that as a semiprofessional liar, a day that encourages lying to your friends and neighbors appeals to me. This year featured some well-done website pranks, and I was considering changing the ISB over to "cHrIs's KeWl LiVeJoUrNaL" for the day, complete with exclamation-point-laden posts about how awesome Mike Turner is, but I decided to leave it to the professionals. So, in case you missed them, here's the notable ones: the Hostile Takeover of Wikipedia by Encyclopedia Britannica, which was pretty believable until the appearance of General Grievous and the two coolest guys ever; HomestarRunner announcing they were going to switch to a pay site; Google's new energy drink; and the annual pack of fun over on the D&D page. But then again, I might be the only one who thinks a Gelatinous Cube roaming the WotC offices and devouring their Scott Equivalents to be funny. Ergo, moving on.

So Tuesday was a rough one for more reasons than just the obvious. The April Fools showed up three days early in a string of lousy customers that I think I secured sainthood just by enduring.

Now, despite what you may have heard, I'm not perfect. Still, I pride myself on the ability to know whether someone's an idiot or not within three sentences of a conversation. And if one of those sentences just happens to be "X-Man had the power of the Phoenix, and so does Cable, and that makes him the most powerful man ever," congratulations. You win the prize.

Yeah, this guy comes in maybe once every six months, and never fails to ask me a) what's going on in the X-Men books for the past, oh, ten years, and b) whatever happened to X-Man? Here's a tip, sir, the last issue of X-Man came out five years ago, and that was literally the last time anyone cared about him. So stop asking.

The rest of my conversation with this chump has to be quoted verbatim for its full effect, but I warn you: Just reading it will probably make you dumber.

Chump: What's going on in Wolverine?
Me: [Explanation of the recent--and awesome--Mark Millar "Enemy of the State" storyline]. So it was basically Wolverine against the rest of the Marvel universe.
Chump: Who'd he fight?!
Me: The Fantastic Four.
Chump: Who won?!
Me: [Realizing that this is taking a turn for the worse] Uh... the FF.
Chump: Wolverine didn't kill 'em?!
Me: [Feeling liquified bits of brain start to ooze out of my ears] No.. They're still around.
Chump: Not even one of 'em?
Me: Well, he beat up Johnny a little bit.
Chump: Who else did he fight?
Me: Daredevil.
Chump: [Smiling and nodding knowingly] He beat him, right?
Me: No, Daredevil kicked his ass and then stabbed him with a sword.
Chump: [Shocked!] But how is that possible?! Daredevil has heightened senses due to being blinded! Wolverine is an animal by instinct!

He actually said that. Word for word. And I was left momentarily speechless. An animal by instinct? What the fuck does that even mean? Clearly, he's been getting his information from a set of 1991 Marvel Universe trading cards.

Now I think that if we're all honest with ourselves, we all like Wolverine. And don't give me that bullshit about how you don't, just shut the fuck up and go read Essential X-Men v.2. He's everyone's favorite X-Man and we should all just admit to it. That said, I hate people that love Wolverine.

But the hits kept coming:

Chump: Batman comes out June 17th!
Me: Yeah.
Chump: But what I want to know is, how did he go from being Robin to being Batman?
Me: ... What?
Chump: Chris O'Donnel, man! He was Robin! He's playing Batman in this one!
Me: No, that's Christian Bale.
Chump: Oh. Well it's weird, man... It looks like they're doing the BEGINNING of Batman.

Yes, this briantrust just figured out that a movie called Batman Begins is about the beginning of Batman. It gets better.

Chump: I think they should've let Azrael be the second Batman, and let Bruce Wayne retire! What's going on with him these days?
Me: Azrael? He's dead.
Chump: What?! How?! Who killed him?!
Me: The fans.

Chump: How's Hulk?
Me: Pretty good. Peter David's back on it.
Chump: Who's in control, the Hulk or David Banner?
Me: ... Uh, it's the Savage Hulk, I guess.
Chump: Well he's talking, it must be Banner in charge. Has he been fighting any Marvel characters?
Me: [Ignoring the fact that anyone he fights is, by definition, a Marvel character] He fought Fin Fang Foom.
Chump: Who won?
Me: ... The Hulk [You moron].

And this is where he turned to me, absolutely beaming.

Chump: Fin Fang Foom's a dragon!

It's amazing I bothered to get out of bed on Wednesday.