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Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Top Five Terrorists in Comics

Cut off one head and two more will take its place!#5 - HYDRA
Leaders: Baron Von Strucker, Viper
The Deal: Ah, Hydra. The standard by which all other terrorist organizations must be judged. Snappy green outfits, a crazed Nazi leader who sports a monacle, a hot chick with green hair, and a memorable slogan. Heck, that's more than most terrorist organizations have going for them. Anyway, Hydra's been a thorn in Nick Fury's side for years, but lately they've cropped up everywhere, from using a third grade geography lesson and a team of ersatz Avengers to vex Spider-Man to allying themselves with an ancient Ninja clan, killing Wolverine, and using him to take on the rest of the Marvel Universe. Now that's somethin' real for your ass.
Why They're #5: While they're better than, say, the Jihad or Flagsmasher's ULTIMATUM (the Undergound Liberated Totally Integrated Mobile Army To Unite Mankind), they're still not very good at the whole global terrorism thing. I mean, their big secret weapon? Zombie Northstar. I'm not sure they could conquer Canada with that guy.

Holy Crap, that guy's awesome#4 - ADVANCED IDEA MECHANICS
Leaders: MODOK
The Deal: Despite the fact that these renegade scientists apparently serve no other purpose than to keep Captain America's fists from getting tired, AIM occasionally comes up with a plan to take over the world in some convoluted manner. One of my favorite comics as a kid was an issue of Marvel Team-Up where Spider-Man and Wolverine stumble across an AIM plot that involves a deathtrap-filled castle on tank treads in the middle of a forest. I'm not sure how exactly that would help them in their goals of world domination, but hey, I'm not part of a secret organization that issues bright yellow beekeeper helmets to its membership, so what do I know? Recent plots include using the children of agents as brainwashed sleepers, leading to SHIELD's recruitment of feisty, midriff-baring Carmilla Black, the new Scorpion. She's the hot green-haired choice of a new generation!
Why They're #4: In its illustrious history, AIM has never successfully completed a single mission. But that can be forgiven, for they gave the world the Mental Organism Designed Only to Kill, and we all know that he is the most awesome comic book character of all time.

Leaders: Cobra Commander, The Baroness, Destro
The Deal: Part pyramid scheme, part anarchist military group, Cobra was deemed such a threat to the government that they had to form an entire task force equipped with unlimited resources and guns that shot nonlethal red laser beams. Ah, Reagan's America. It says a lot about Cobra that they were able to amass the kind of fanatical troops, high-end technology, and the sheer number of hidden island fortresses they had under the leadership of a guy in a black v-neck leather vest and metal facemask and a former used car salesman who--rumor has it--was once a man. Cobra's greatest hits include an entire town full of sleeper agents and worship of a Snake-God cloned from history's greatest warriors.
Why They're #3: Admittedly, Cobra beats even AIM in the number of foiled plots, but they outrank them for two reasons. One, while they never have gotten a successful plot, the plots they do have are so bat-shit insane as to be hilarious and terrifying. Getting Burgess Merideth and Ninja Hawkman to turn people into snakemen? Sure. Convincing the government to stop funding GI Joe by claiming not to exist while simultaneously stealing "explosive gas?" Hijacking a space laser to carve your face on the moon? Why the hell not? Trust me, that's the kind of crazy you don't want to mess with. And the second reason, the Baroness, who combines glasses, an accent, black leather to make international terrorism seem hot.

That 'stache is ILL.#2 - THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS
Leaders: Ra's al-Ghul I, Ra's al-Ghul II, Talia
The Deal: Aside from being, you know, an entire league of assassins, these guys are probably the most successful terrorist organization in comics, despite their employment of Merlyn, the evil Green Arrow. Under the leadership of Ra's al-Ghul I, they unleashed not one, but two plagues into Gotham City, robbed the entire world of language causing widespread destruction, and did a fair job of taking out the entire JLA. Recently, al-Ghul's daughter Nyssa took over his job and title after killing her father and torturing Talia to the point of insanity, and started consolidating her holds on similar organizations, including HIVE.
Why They're #2: As long and drawn-out as it was, the Clench (and its sequel, Clench 2: Ebola Boogaloo) actually did what Ra's al-Ghul wanted them to do, which puts them way above the other groups on the list. Plus, that guy was a total badamadeuce who could pull off a Fu Manchu and made the "three-piece suit and cape" bit work for him. Also, Talia combines Viper's hairstyle and Baroness's accent to achieve previously unheard of levels of hotness, and this one time she had Batman's kid.

And Finally...

Oh man.  That guy's awesome.
#1 - KOBRA

The Deal: Take the evil worldwide organization of the League of Assassins, the fanatical death-cult of Cobra, the sleeper agents of AIM, and add Jack Kirby to the mix and you've got KOBRA: The Deadliest Man Alive. He's taken on the Suicide Squad, the JLA, heck, this one time he killed the Flash! Unfortunately, their leader--worshipped as a God by his warrior-cultists--was killed by occasionally mohawked former JSA member Atom Smasher a couple years back, but the organization continues to grow, recruiting new members from superpowered prisoners.
Why He's #1:



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll tell you why Cobra from G.I. Joe is the greatest terrorist organization of all time:

Their logo is a vagina with teeth in the clit. Think about it. Yeah.

Their leader was "once a man" who is stupid, cowardly, and under the control of the Baroness, who looks exactly like Gloria Steinem.

You have perhaps the least/most subtle attack on feminism ever.

Larry Hama failed women's studies?! That's impossible! He loves the bitches!

5/31/2006 11:00 AM


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