A Customer Service Melodrama In Two Acts
Chris: The dashing and handsome hero of our story. He is a clerk at a comic book store, and all the ladies want him. He is quietly noble, and yet totally awesome at the same time.
Jerkin McLeatherson: The villain of Act One. Longhaired and clad in both a leather jacket and a leather vest. At the same time.
Gingivitis Jones: The villain of Act Two. Balding, he has four teeth, one of which is rotten and yellow. Said tooth is always connected to his lower lip with a thin strand of saliva. For the duration of the play, he sports Blu Blocker™ shades, the lenses of which look like they've been left in a desert for a minimum of six years.
Note: All events documented in this play are based on fact.
[Chris stands center-stage, looking radical and well-read. Enter Jerkin McLeatherson]
CHRIS: Can I help you, sir?
JERKIN: Yeah, do you have that story Kingdom Come, but like, all in a book, with words?
CHRIS: Uh, the novel, you mean? The one by Elliot S! Maggin? I'm pretty sure that's out of print, and I know we don't have one here, but you might be able to find one at Barnes & Noble.
JERKIN: Oh. Well can you reccomend a good graphic novel for me? I read Dark Knight Returns and Arkham Asylum and I liked those because they're more adult. I want something like that, because other comics are just for kids.
CHRIS: Uh, right. Well, let's see what we've got over here... Have you ever read Watchmen--
JERKIN: NEVER HEARD OF IT!
CHRIS: Oh, well it's definitely more adult-themed, and it's probably the best comic--
JERKIN: Does it have Batman in it?
CHRIS: Uh, no.
JERKIN: Because I only want something with Batman in it.
CHRIS: ... Oh.
JERKIN: This "Hush" one here has good art. I'll take it!
CHRIS: Yeah, sure.
JERKIN: You know, I used to collect comics...
CHRIS: [Aside] Oh Jesus, here we go...
JERKIN: ... but I threw 'em all out. Kept a few of 'em, though. I got a Fantastic Four #1 sittin' at home. Maybe that'll be worth somethin' someday, right?
CHRIS: Yeah, it's worth quite a bit now. [Aside] Or it would be, if you weren't a liar, which you are, you fucking liar.
[Chris stands at center stage. Enter Gingivitis Jones.]
JONES: Hey man, y'all buy comics?
CHRIS: I'm afraid we don't right now, sir. We just recently moved.
JONES: Oh, because I've got like twelve long boxes of stuff I used to collect during the four years I was reading comics.
JONES: Yeah, it's from 1991 to 1994. Mostly Marvel.
CHRIS: Ah. Well most of that stuff we don't really need, you know?
JONES: Well I only want like two hundred bucks a box for it, man.
CHRIS: ... Yeah, good luck.
JONES: Do you think that's a fair price?
CHRIS: No. Not at all.
JONES: Aw, c'mon, man, that's like a dollar each!
CHRIS: Yeah. Not really a good deal.
JONES: Huh. Well maybe the owner of the store will think different. I'll be back.