Ah, Romance!

Yesterday, I mentioned that there's an issue of DC's Love Stories from 1971 that includes a two-page text piece by handsome-ass Today Show stylist Ted Long on "How To Look Fabulous," wherein he advises the presumably impressionable young girls reading it to lay upside down on an ironing board.

It's just one more piece of evidence to support my theory that romance comics are fucking insane.

For further proof of this little theory of mine, one need look no further than the 2000 reprint of DC 100-Page Super Spectacular: Love Stories, which, in addition to Ted Long's fabulous tips, includes stories that sprung forth from the pen of Robert Kanigher and are so aggressively nonsensical that they may actually be the result of complex higher math from the future. Just look at the titles:

My Shameful Past!

The Wrong Kind of Love!

Happy Ending! (Which does not take place in a massage parlor. I checked.)

And my personal favorite: My Sister Stole My Man!

Aside from the obvious, the latter also involves the titular sister regaining the ability to walk through the glory of love. I guess the moral is, if your sister's in a wheelchair, don't introduce her to your hunky, kind-hearted boyfriend. Otherwise, you're out in the cold, toots.

What's even better about the stories in this particular issue--which with Valentine's Day less than a month away makes a dandy gift for the bitter single in your life--is that they illustrate what I really love about romance comics. Sure, you can read each story from beginning to end and get a time-wasting hunk of melodrama. Or you can skim through, reading each individual panel on its own, completely devoid of any context, which makes it awesome. Have a look for yourself, at these choice selections. And keep in mind, these all came from the same comic:

Well, someone's got her priorities straight!

Although this is perfectly rational behavior, I feel I should point out that Aunt Louise is the de facto villain of the story.

No door can hold back Sideburns McPeacoat!

...


Just a little context for this one: In the previous panel, she apologizes for totally flipping out over something, to which Smooth Romancington over there essentially responds, "Don't worry about it! Of course you're crazy! You're a woman!" I have got to try that sometime.

And finally, the title page that will not stop making me laugh: