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Monday, January 02, 2006

Back For '06!

That's right, kids: After a week-long sojourn to the savage lands of Ohio, I have returned to visit a severe face-rocking on the new year. Prepare yourselves.

The trip itself was unremarkable, yet miserable, despite the fact that I managed to achieve my twin goals of staying sloshed and knocking out the Peter David Aquaman run. These were made significantly harder and much easier, respectively, by the fact that I had a cold for the first four days of a five-day trip, from which I recovered just in time to drink a cowboy boot-shaped glass of Texas Tea (you know, like Long Island Iced Tea, but with tequila) on New Year's Eve and swear loudly at my sister.

Yes, Ohio is a grim and cheerless place, and I didn't have access to the internet or my beloved NPR--although I managed to catch five minutes of Car Talk in Sharondale, which was enough to keep me going. It was, however, slightly more educational than my standard trip to the Buckeye State, and as always, I learned a few things:

Hard a-port, Mister Smee!1. Peter David Aquaman is not for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a good book, and I loved that first year, where it's essentially Aquaman Two-in-One with all the guest-stars, but about the time the skull-shaped rocks show up and you find out that Atlantis was populated by aliens, it loses me. I'd made a few jokes with Tug about playing the Peter David Aquaman Drinking Game, but really, if I took a shot every time Aquaman asserts that no, he really is a badass, something references an issue of Adventure Comics without being fully explained, or a water-or-fish-related pun is dropped, I'd probably be in a coma.

2. If you're going to try to convince someone you're not an alcoholic, you should probably not be drunk during the conversation. Also, avoid bringing a flask of whiskey to family gatherings, as people are bound to get the wrong idea.

3. The State of Kentucky hates travelers. This little gem of knowledge can be attributed to a roadside monument I saw at a rest stop outside of Louisville. Take a look:

Yes, a memorial to the staggering number of people who have died in car crashes on the highways of Kentucky. Which is located at a rest stop. Which means the only people who will ever see it are just getting off of the highways of Kentucky, and just about to go back onto the same, but with an all-new gut-clenching paranoia about auto fatality. Thanks, State of Kentucky. Thanks a whole lot.


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Blogger Mark Hale said...

You know, that plaque doesn't mention how many assholes no one liked have been killed on Kentucky's highways.

1/02/2006 5:40 PM

Anonymous Tug the Tug said...

Hey, I got drunk and swore loudly at my sister, too. Happy New Year, I suppose.

1/02/2006 6:20 PM

Blogger Philip Looney said...

Glad you're back safe - NOW MAKE WITH THE FUNNY!

1/03/2006 2:24 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

You're implying that this post wasn't funny, Phil. That means I might have to go ahead and break my "No Stabbing Phil" resolution, and it's only the third.

1/03/2006 8:41 PM

Anonymous Amy :) said...

I wanted to point out that the rock you photographed isn't the only memorial to dead highway-goers in Kentucky. I spotted this gem a few years ago, and made my friend pull onto the shoulder of I-71 so I could snap the picture, thereby putting us in danger of being involved in our own fatal crash.

Sorry you didn't enjoy Ohio, but at least you were able to get drunk for part of the time. Alcohol makes almost any midwestern state more bearable.

1/04/2006 12:47 PM


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