Back For '06!

That's right, kids: After a week-long sojourn to the savage lands of Ohio, I have returned to visit a severe face-rocking on the new year. Prepare yourselves.

The trip itself was unremarkable, yet miserable, despite the fact that I managed to achieve my twin goals of staying sloshed and knocking out the Peter David Aquaman run. These were made significantly harder and much easier, respectively, by the fact that I had a cold for the first four days of a five-day trip, from which I recovered just in time to drink a cowboy boot-shaped glass of Texas Tea (you know, like Long Island Iced Tea, but with tequila) on New Year's Eve and swear loudly at my sister.

Yes, Ohio is a grim and cheerless place, and I didn't have access to the internet or my beloved NPR--although I managed to catch five minutes of Car Talk in Sharondale, which was enough to keep me going. It was, however, slightly more educational than my standard trip to the Buckeye State, and as always, I learned a few things:

1. Peter David Aquaman is not for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a good book, and I loved that first year, where it's essentially Aquaman Two-in-One with all the guest-stars, but about the time the skull-shaped rocks show up and you find out that Atlantis was populated by aliens, it loses me. I'd made a few jokes with Tug about playing the Peter David Aquaman Drinking Game, but really, if I took a shot every time Aquaman asserts that no, he really is a badass, something references an issue of Adventure Comics without being fully explained, or a water-or-fish-related pun is dropped, I'd probably be in a coma.

2. If you're going to try to convince someone you're not an alcoholic, you should probably not be drunk during the conversation. Also, avoid bringing a flask of whiskey to family gatherings, as people are bound to get the wrong idea.

3. The State of Kentucky hates travelers. This little gem of knowledge can be attributed to a roadside monument I saw at a rest stop outside of Louisville. Take a look:

Yes, a memorial to the staggering number of people who have died in car crashes on the highways of Kentucky. Which is located at a rest stop. Which means the only people who will ever see it are just getting off of the highways of Kentucky, and just about to go back onto the same, but with an all-new gut-clenching paranoia about auto fatality. Thanks, State of Kentucky. Thanks a whole lot.

Yeesh.

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