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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Romance Special: Wonder Girl's Creepy Husband

Ah, romance! Yes, friends, it's Febrary, the Month of Love. And what better way to celebrate the lead-up to Valentine's Day here on the ISB by pouring all of my bitterness into a few of the Worst Comics Relationships of All Time. And what better way to kick things off than with the creepeist Significant Other in the history of comics:

Terry Long


Terry, for those of you who don't know, managed to hook up with--and eventually marry--foxy young Amazon Donna Troy despite being a complete and utter creepy loser.

Sound a bit harsh? Let's take a look at the facts. According to his Who's Who entry, Terry is a divorced ex-college professor who was unable to gain tenure due to severe writer's block. As of November of 1988, he was working in a bookstore with plans to write a book on mythology.

Total. Loser.

Failed marriage, fired from his job for slacking off, and working retail with vague plans to become a writer. You know this guy. He shops at my store, and he's totally into Spawn. And yet, allow me to stress this one more time, he marries Donna Troy.

Apparently, the DC Universe has absolutely no concept of being "out of one's league."

Even more than that, though, the guy's just a creep. Every single comic I've read where he appears, he ends up awkwardly hitting on Starfire with a quiet "just puttin' it out there" sort of desperation, often while Donna's in the room. Stuff like: "Hey, Kory, you sure do fill out that swimsuit! Maybe the three of us could head out to the hot tub and start making out with each other--HA-HA, I'm just kidding (but not really)."

Three panels of that guy, and you'll never feel truly clean again. It's probably just his afro and porn-star beard, but throw in his sweaty come-ons to Starfire and he starts giving off a vibe that makes him seem like a pedophile. I'm sure it just comes from the fact that he's trying to fit in with Donna's cool friends, but the fact that he's a former professor and she appears in a book called Teen Titans sure doesn't help matters much.

And apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so. The Who's Who Update in which Terry's creepy ass appears features a wraparound cover by Ty Templeton depicting Ma and Pa Kent throwing a barbeque for all the DCU supporting characters. And who should be enjoying a hamburger out back but creepy-ass Terry himself. Have a look:

Even Maxwell Lord, who shot Blue Beetle in the head and made Superman hallucinate the murder of his own wife, is totally creeped out. That's a pose that says "Get the fuck away from me, you creepy little man." An appropriate and understandable reaction, considering that he's wearing a blue and yellow polka-dotted speedo and a longsleeve green polo shirt.

No wonder General Eiling looks like he's about to beat his ass on general principle.

Tug's pet theory about this little slice-of-life is that Max was so disturbed by this encounter that once he was the head of Checkmate, he arranged Terry's fatal "accident."

Donna Troy, what the hell were you thinking?




BONUS FEATURE: Terry's Creepy-Ass Who's Who Entry!


And Scott wonders why I get the feeling he's a pedophile. And yes, I'm fully aware that that's his daughter, but really: It's about as heartwarming as John Bult's classic album, "Julie's Sixteenth Birthday." All it needs is half a cigarette.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hell, if you think an image of a Speedo-clad Terry Long chatting up Max Lord between bites of hamburger is creepy, you really don't want to know the depths of depravity to which Batman's trusty manservant Alfred had to sink in order to get Billy Batson's trademark red and yellow ringer, do you?

Nope. Me neither.

I'm Chalk!

2/02/2006 5:56 AM

 
Blogger Frosty Snowbro said...

Yeah, now that I read it, it is kinda creepy.

2/02/2006 6:05 AM

 
Anonymous Alex C said...

Let's see, lame college educated guy with delusions of academia, goofy white boy half-ro with bad professorial beard, disgruntled wannabe legitimate writer, inexplicably marries incredibly beautiful and buxom fictional character ....


definitely a Mary Sue.

2/02/2006 7:11 AM

 
Blogger Ragnell said...

Eiling wasn't planning violence so much as chekcing him out, I think...

2/02/2006 7:45 AM

 
Blogger Ragnell said...

Oh, and I think Donna must've overdone the sacred wine and puked in Aphrodite's Temple once too often.

2/02/2006 7:46 AM

 
Blogger Mark Hale said...

How the hell do you write about mythology in the DCU? All those motherfuckers are running around and punching each other FOR REALS. This guy really is a loser.

2/02/2006 8:58 AM

 
Anonymous dr. kunka said...

Did you ever notice how much Terry Long looks like Marv Wolfman circa 1983?

2/02/2006 8:59 AM

 
Blogger jamawalk said...

"Soooooooo, Max...Max Max Max. You're a millionaire huh? That's super, buddy. Just fantastic. Listen, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't necessary, but uh, you're a smart guy, you like science and things like that, yeah? Well what about mythology? Its fantastic--am I right? I bet you've been asking yourself how a millionaire like yourself could get in on the bottom floor of something like that. Well, look no further my friend, I am you hook up. I can be your guardo camino on this deal, for a small grant to fund my work, the two of us could be--Max? Hey! Buddy! What gives? Don't walk away from me. Max? Yeah? Oh YEAH? Mr. Big Shot Millionaire, huh? Well... I bang superheroines, so I'm not sweating it either...jerk. Hey! Is that Stagg over there? Excuse me, Max."

2/02/2006 9:07 AM

 
Anonymous Dan Coyle said...

Terry's 'fro should have its own congressman. That rag is HUUUUUUUGE!

2/02/2006 11:52 AM

 
Anonymous Steven said...

Terry Long,

meet Dale Gunn

2/02/2006 12:26 PM

 
Blogger Spencer Carnage said...

This post kicks all kinds of ass. What is up with that album cover?

2/02/2006 12:27 PM

 
Blogger Shaenon said...

I will say this for Terry Long: he comes off as a totally realistic portrayal of a failed academic who hooked up with one of his barely-legal students. The beard, the white-guy afro, the yuppie work shirts, the self-consciously bohemian apartment, the lack of friends his own age, and, of course, the clumsy passes at his wife's girlfriends... it's all part of the gestalt. Every college campus has ten guys who look exactly like this, and they all teach intro courses. You just know Terry was constantly offering the Titans weed and trying to impress them with long stories about Europe in the '60s.

2/02/2006 2:04 PM

 
Anonymous Steven said...

Oh, I agree he's a great version of that type. But did any of them actually end up with the cheerleader? Wouldn't they really be preying on the slightly less pretty girls with low self-esteem and daddy issues?

*cough* Raven *cough*

2/02/2006 2:25 PM

 
Blogger Brent McKee said...

Well beyond the fact that I think that Terry probably stuffed a sock into that Speedo to make it look like he had a bigger package, the fact is that the guy is a sitcom husband. You know the type - the plain, maybe a bit overweight guy who somehow managed to snag a red hot hottie. Think Kevin James (in King Of Queens) or Jim Belushi (According To Jim) or that guy on Still Standing. No wonder they killed Terry off.

2/02/2006 5:06 PM

 
Blogger Ragnell said...

I just can't get over that she married that loser, but walked out on this grorgeous specimen.

2/03/2006 3:08 AM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Every time I bring up Terry Long, the first thing that comes up is his uncanny resemblance to Marv Wolfman, circa 1984. It's a little disconcerting.

Spencer, that's an album cover from the book The Worst Album Covers Ever, which I borrowed from ben. It's the day of Julie's first date, as it turns out, but you wouldn't know that from that cover.

And Jamawalk? Good call.

2/04/2006 12:21 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The resemblance to Marv Wolfman is what makes this so extra creepy. Because the way the character was written, you can tell that we're supposed to think he's this totally wonderful guy who completely deserves to be marrying Wonder Girl. It's a Mary Sue and a confessional cry for help all in one.

2/06/2006 4:37 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, the Donna Troy and Arsenal muns on Watchtower were laughing it up big time reading this. They had to pull off a flashback of the divorce!

_Allronix

10/29/2006 2:48 PM

 
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12/13/2008 1:25 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lots of people were saying he looked like Marv Wolfman, but I don't think so...he was based (in terms of looks, anyways) on the former Titans editor, Len Wein, and looks just like him. Issue #20 of The New Teen Titans had a short comic in the back featuring lots of the creative cast (Marv George, Len, etc...) and you can definitely tell the similarities.
But I do agree that the speedo is creepy. Honestly, what's up with that?

7/04/2009 5:27 PM

 
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Always liked Terry. For once a hot super babe married someone who wasn't another superhero, super model, super spy or anything else super.

2/11/2012 9:16 PM

 

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