Jimmy Olsen's Guide to Life
Rising from the aftermath of Badass Week... Jimmy Olsen!
Yes, in between writing double-sized posts about the Ghost Rider punching people into oblivion last week, I managed to finish reading through DC's Showcase Presents Superman Family Vol. 1, and I've come to the conclusion that, like most Silver-Age Comics, it wasn't actually meant to be entertaining.
That was just a secondary concern. The true purpose was, of course, education, with the adventures of Superman's Pal serving to prepare young men for life by teaching them lessons through the medium of comics. And so, in the interest of the public good (and to fulfill a community service requirement that may or may not be related to my condition while I wrote the aforementioned post about Ghost Rider), I'd like to present a few of The Lessons I Learned From Jimmy Olsen.
1. Stay The Hell Away From Swamis
In no less than three issues in a row, there are stories where Jimmy runs across a suspiciously caucasian guy in a turban--kicking the Swami Encounter Average for Daily Planet employees up to around once every few months--who claims to have some sort of mystical power. And being that these stories were produced under the iron grip of the Comics Code, they are always phonies, and they are always bad news.
Of course, they're not exactly criminal masterminds, either. Take, for instance, the gentleman pictured above, who manages to bilk Jimmy out of twenty-five bucks by convincing him that a ten-cent flute is magic. Now admittedly, a profit of $24.90 in 1954 was no small accomplishment for fifteen minutes' work, but when you realize that his plan also includes a swami costume, extensive dog training, two tickets to the zoo, a blowgun, and at least three darts soaked in an exotic poison that can render both a wolf and a gorilla instantly unconscious with no harmful after-effects, I'm not even sure that money takes him out of the red.
But then again, that's better than doing it just for the sheer cruelty, like when Superman phoned in suggestions for Jimmy Olsen's burgeoning cartoon career under the guise of a Hindu mystic:
Yeesh. Which brings us to our next lesson:
2. Your Friends Have Your Best Interest At Heart
Just in case you were wondering why your best friend would go through an incredibly elaborate and potentially life-threatening week-long hoax to make you think you had suddenly gained the ability to breathe underwater: He's just looking out for you, bro.
Remember: Friendship means never having to tell anyone the truth about anything if you really don't want to.
3. Ladies, Get Used to Disappointment
...Because even if you're the star reporter for a major Metropolitan newspaper, they're going to make you serve hot chocolate, leaving you to subconsciously plot your revenge in ways both subtle (as pictured above)...
...and head-shatteringly obvious.
From the first-ever Lois Lane solo story, wherein Lois walks out onto a ledge to encourage a lovesick young man to commit suicide, because hey: That's just how she rolls.