I Hate To Say It, But...
...I am really in no state to offer up any kind of viable content tonight.
Yes, much like the Thing, I too witnessed professional wrestling tonight, as part of the live audience for the season premiere of WWE's Monday Night Raw, which, aside from being a ridiculously exciting event, allowed me to:
A) Fulfill my lifelong goal of seeing Arn Anderson, Rowdy Roddy Piper, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, and--I kid you not--Irwin R. Schyster giving the business to a group of ersatz male cheerleaders.
B) Confirm my earlier suspicions that, yes, Maria Kanellis is in fact the hottest woman on television.
If you happened to Tivo it, look for me. I was the guy in the t-shirt.
Anyway, I seriously considered doing a roundup of the World Wrestling Federation comics produced by our old friends at Chaos Comics to coincide with my trip to Raw, but trust me: Those things are atrocious, and we're probably all a lot better off if they remain as unscanned as humanly possible.
So I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere for comedy tonight. But in the interest of providing a public service, here are a few thematic links:
If you haven't already, you may want to check out my review of Big Apple Takedown, the officially liscensed WWE novel that teaches us that there is no problem--whether it's claustrophobia or international terrorism--that can't be solved with a judicious application of large men with steel chairs.
Or, if you're in the mood for something more classic, my look at the Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD from last year might be more your speed, although it's notable mostly for my transcriptions of the Warrior's most incomprehensible sentences.
Speaking of the Warrior, Jake Bell at Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge did a mind-shattering multi-part write-up of Warrior, the most incomprehensible comic known to man which is well worth your time, and the inimitable Dave Campbell brought us a full review of Kevin Nash's adventures in the post-apocalyptic future.
Finally, for more off-site hilarity, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out CRACKED.com's recent feature on The Eight Most Insane Moments in Pro Wrestling History. Surprisingly, the Ultimate Warrior appears in none of them.
Robocop, however...
posted by Chris Sims at 10/09/2006 11:59:00 PM
13 Comments:
As a man who has been to several wrestling events, I can still say I am jealous. I have never been to a WWE event, or WWF for that matter. I saw many WCW and NWA shows in my day, however. Included was the infamous N.W.O. Nitro from Macon, Ga, wherein very little wrestling took place. We were instead greeted by the sound of fake dills, jackhammers, and saws for a couple of hours while inaudible video montages were played on the screen.
I enjoy the site most of the time, keep up the good work.
10/10/2006 4:10 AM
...the sound of fake dills...
Those pesky, noisy herbs. Although real ones taste much better than the artificial rubbish they put in foods nowadays. :)
10/10/2006 7:07 AM
I wasted 3 hours of my life watching Raw last night, with the hopes of seeing you freak out; and because the football game was boring and my disintrest in Heroes.
I did not see you. I did however walk away with these observations, after having not watched wrestling in probably 7 years:
-Who is this John Cena, and why does he look like a bootleg Marky Mark?
-King Booker? Really? Come on Booker T.
-The blood is unnecessary theatrics.
-Torrie is hot, and has a big booty for a white girl. Also, Candice Michelle.
-Triple H has the most elaborate facial hair this side of Deadwood.
-That Cryme Time promo has got to be the most racist, worst idea I've ever seen.
-I agree that Flair should hang it up, but that was pretty exciting to see him come out, and then bring out Rowdy Roddy Piper, Million Dollar Man with IRS and then Arn Anderson. Arn Anderson reminds me of Scott Simmons for some reason. Like that was his dad or something. It was also good to the old Figure 8. Whooooo!!!
-I'm glad Chris Beinoit beat that guy from O-Burg.
10/10/2006 8:42 AM
The blood is unnecessary theatrics.
Blood is never unnecessary theatrics in the world of professional wrestling, Philip. And that's a fact.
10/10/2006 9:23 AM
"If you happened to Tivo it, look for me. I was the guy in the t-shirt."
Oh my God, I saw you when I was watching it last night, Chris. When the camera showed you I screamed to my buddies: "Hey there's Chris Sims. I've been on his blog and spoken to him and junk!" And they were so freaking jealous because I was acquainted with a celebrity. It was the highlight of my life.
10/10/2006 10:15 AM
I marvel at the daily content found on the ISB.
Even this 'non-post' was awe inspiring.
10/10/2006 11:02 AM
When I was a kid, my grandpa took me to see a wrestling event that involved Jerry "The King" Lawler, a barbed wire, steel cage match and some supposedly Australian, small dude who I think had Dundee in his name. It was all a blur and I can't remember if these guys actually wrestled each other or if either of them were in the cage match. I just remember that those three things were present.
And it was totally awesome.
10/10/2006 11:19 AM
Go...into the cockpit... CHRIS SIMS. The pilots understannnd... sacrifice... CHRIS SIMS.
10/10/2006 2:40 PM
>>Blood is never unnecessary theatrics in the world of professional wrestling, Philip. And that's a fact.
All I'm saying is that back in the day, when you got hit in the face with a chair, you didn't get back up after being off camera for a few seconds with blood on the forehead.
Just like back in Rome, this sort of needless blood shed in our sports entertainment marks the down fall of western civilization.
Also - Big Apple Takedown.
10/10/2006 5:11 PM
Brandon said...
When I was a kid, my grandpa took me to see a wrestling event that involved Jerry "The King" Lawler, a barbed wire, steel cage match and some supposedly Australian, small dude who I think had Dundee in his name. It was all a blur and I can't remember if these guys actually wrestled each other or if either of them were in the cage match. I just remember that those three things were present.
brandon, you're probably thinking of
"Superstar" Bill Dundee
philip, in the case of simply getting whacked with a chair blood is probably a bit overdoing it but then again guys today can't really sell all that well. But overall blood is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY in wrestling, be it men, women, wrestling bears or midgets.
http://www.ddtdigest.com/features/blading/gallery.htm
10/10/2006 11:39 PM
I'm totally jealous of the fact that you saw Arn Anderson live. He was one of the greatest no-nonsense badass heels in the history of wrestling. He was once asked "Why do you let Ric Flair run the Four Horsemen?" He replied "That's just it. I LET HIM."
10/11/2006 10:30 AM
The chance of seeing IRS would have made the price of the ticket.
Also:
Arn Anderson is the toughest man to ever wear glasses.
And yes I'm counting clark kent.
10/11/2006 2:07 PM
The return of Irwin R. Shyster ha parted the clouds and let the light of heaven shine down on my TV.
Sad I missed it.
10/11/2006 9:45 PM
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