The Brief and Surprisngly Violent Marriage of Jimmy Olsen

Earlier this week, I posted a few panels of Jimmy Olsen engaging in some good-natured pastry-based violence, along with a reassurance that, yes, the events leading up to it were exactly as crazy as you think they were.

Normally I would've left it at that, but along with the fact that I will never get tired of discussing the pure wonder that is Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen, I feel that a little explanation might be in order here.

Even so, brace yourselves: Things are about to go BANANA.



Springing from the pages of Jimmy Olsen #82--which features the requisite cover of Jimmy beating the crap out of his best pal for no other reason than he wants to--is "The Wedding of Magi and Sandra," which is unquestionably the craziest Jerry Siegel/Curt Swan story featuring Jimmy Olsen that I have read today, and as you can see from the image above, it centers around Jimmy finally settling down and marrying Lucy Lane.

This is, as we all know, a phenomenally bad idea.

Lucy is, without question, the most emasculating shrew in comics history, taking the mildly annoying foundation her sister built from years of trying to rope Superman into marriage and sharpening it to deadly, soul-crushing precision, except that it's even worse when it's directed at a normal guy like Jimmy.

Complicating matters is the fact that for the first two parts of this daring three-part novel, Jimmy and Lucy have been dating each other secretly as Magi--a suave stage magician with lifts in his shoes and a moustache borrowed from Tony Stark--and Sandra Rogers--an alleged "English Starlet" who presents no evidence to support this claim--and neither knows the other's real identity.

So suck it, Nora Ephron!

Realizing that this is no way to run a relationship--unless you're, y'know, Hal Jordan or someone equally loathsome--they both give up on their dreams of dishonest romance and retire their secret identities. That is, until Lucy decides to blow off a date with Jimmy, put on her wig, and go for a walk as "Sandra," whereupon she's immediately mugged by someone who didn't get the memo that nobody had actually pulled off a crime in Metropolis in twenty years.

Did I mention that her "disguise" consists entirely of a wig? That's it. Jimmy Olsen: Reporter, ladies and gentlemen.

Anwyay, Hey Armed Robber! Complete this Yin Yang Twins Lyric: "And believe me, when I'm up in there..."



"Givin' it the Mike Jones treatment!"

Yes, as you can probably guess from the "magic wand" that made it into my visual punchline, Jimmy not only saw Lucy/Sondra's plight, but had the time to hide his car and change into an ensemble that includes a Wrath of Khan-style fake chest and full tuxedo before rescuing her. It's the sort of thing that Mr. Action's known for, which leads Lucy--who, if you'll remember, is fully aware that Jimmy's in the neighborhood--immediately comes to the obvious conclusion:



Normally, that'd be sarcasm, but in 1965, that actually is the most likely conclusion.

Thus, they hook up again, but before long, nagging fears over living a lie--which seems to work out fine for the majority of their friends and relatives--rear their heads again, and Jimmy decides to embrace a life of honesty by faking his own death and halfheartedly proposing to Lucy, his clear second choice. She accepts, and it's off to a "famous resort," where they're married by a Justice of the Peace who recently recovered from the measles by sitting in a dark room for a week.

If that last bit there seems a little out of place, it's because it's the kind of bluntly stated factoid that's going to allow everything to revert back to the status quo in three pages.



Clearly, this is a marriage destined to last.

Before long, Lucy just can't take it anymore and decides to have the whole thing annulled. It's right about the same time that Jimmy comes to the same conclusion, but Lucy's a little quicker to action, and it's when she goes into his room to leave him a note that she finds his famous disguise trunk, which still contains his Magi outfit. Because when you're on your honeymoon, you want to drag along a box of costumes, one of which allowed you to seduce another woman while remaining incognito.

Surprisingly, Lucy does not immediately flip out, but instead puts on her own Sandra Rogers wig--which, again, she brought on her honeymoon--and goes down to dinner, prompting Jimmy to put on his own disguise.

Hence: Pie to the face.

And so everything works out--hey! Aren't Jimmy and Lucy still married?! And now they have no reason to annul their marriage, so what could possibly happen to disrupt their wedded bliss?!



Oh, well that takes care of that, then. Of course, they opt not to get hitched after all, with Jimmy claiming that "it's almost as though fate were warning us the time isn't ripe yet." Which, when you get right down to it, comes off a lot better than "I just want to be friends."

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BONUS FEATURE: Jimmy Olsen Is Number Six