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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Abridged Civil War, Part One

Here at the ISB, it's one of my founding principles that I don't just tell you what to read, I actually go so far as to read things for you, sacrificing my own time so that you, gentle reader, can go out and, I don't know, get a girl or something while I'm sitting here trying to crack jokes about Skateman.

It is in this spirit, then, that I offer tonight's presentation, for those of you that aren't keeping up with Marvel's current seven-part "event," Civil War. And this time--in a format that was originally inspired by the cover to League of Extraordinary Gentlemen #6, but, now that I think of it, ended up having a lot more in common with Jerry Reed's "She Got the Gold Mine (I Got The Shaft)--I'm doing it in rhyme.

The Abridged Civil War: A Poem

Crossovers galore!
Here we go with Civil War!
When Superheroes Congress try to ban!

Who's the bad guy? Doctor Doom?
Thanos? Ultron? Fin Fang Foom?
Well, actually, y'see, it's Iron Man.

This is how it happened:
When they came on villains nappin',
The New Warriors, they knew just what to do.

"We can take 'em, Namorita!
Season 2'll be much sweeter!
Now c'mon, let's go! We few, we happy few!"

Alas, it was the Warriors' doom
When the bad guy went KABOOM!
(along with most of Stamford and some kids).

Really, though: they had to know,
That guy's frigg'n name's Nitro!
But that was when things really hit the skids.

Such destruction! Can't imagine!
Not like that one time when Manhattan
Was invaded by Atlantis, Snakes, or Space.

Or when Hell on Earth erupted,
Or the President Corrupted--
But let's continue moving on apace.

"Listen here!" said old John Q.,
"This is what we're gonna do:
A registry to keep you all in line!"

Iron Man had this to say:
"Although I've mindwiped in my day
And lied and drank and perjured, that seems fine."

There was, however, one slight snag:
"This lack of freedom's such a drag,"
Captain America said with a frown.

The Sentinel of Liberty
Said "Yeah, this whole thing's not for me.
So back up, lest I'm forced to take you down.

"I don't mean to be so crass,
But Tony Stark can kiss my ass."
And then he took the Helicarrier to school.

Then Cap rode atop a jet,
Fed the pilot (He's a vet)
And honestly? That's pretty fuckin' cool.

Iron Man took him to task,
So Peter Parker lost his mask,
And added that he had some things to say:

"Although ol' Jonah's gonna steam,
I've been Spidey since fifteen!
Boy, I hope nobody kills my dear Aunt May!"

Meanwhile, in Cap's base-a-ment:
"We'll have to fight the government!
And I know just who I want on my team!"

"The Young Avengers, if you please
And round it out with Hercules!
Daredevil, too (at least that's who it seems)!"

Black Goliath's here to stay,
Cloak and Dagger? What the hey!
Cable? Sure, why not? He's got that arm."

"We'll get some new identities
Like Victor Tegler from I.T.,
And that should keep us (mostly) safe from harm."

"But we're gonna need new clothes,
And I'll go break Hank Pym's nose
'Cause I always really thought that he's a dick."

What's this? The IDs compromised?
Already Deadpool's gotten wise?
After what, like just one day? Well that was quick.

So much for the underground,
Let's all have a big showdown!
With Spider-Man just acting like a jerk.

Really, Peter: Not the time.
I realize that's how you fight crime.
But right now, stupid jokes aren't going to work.

So There you have it: Reed's a dick.
Pete's a lackey, Cap's been licked.
And now we've got a turncoat Mighty Thor!

Four more issues left to go
(Plus the tie-ins, forty mo')
In this rassin' frassin' complicated Civil War!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That. Was. Genius.

Between Dave Campbell's Solomon Grundy haiku earlier this week, and this genius bit, you two have raised the artform of comic blogging.

7/26/2006 1:56 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, I kept reading the site and saw I missed a whole crap-load of haiku on this very site. It's a beautifl thing.

7/26/2006 2:00 AM

Blogger Brandon Bragg said...

My English degree finally proves useful! POETIC SCANSION POWERS ACTIVATE!

7/26/2006 4:26 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have to say, the funniest thing i pull from civil war is the mutants attitude. except for bishop, they all seem to be "over" the whole thing.

Spider-man: "Hey guys! Big company wide crossover going on! You coming?"

Emma: "Pshh"

Scott: "..what she said"

Hank: "Whatever... we just got done with one. I'm taking a break from the confusion. I can't even seem to remember if there are people camping on the lawn anymore, and why is Rev Strykers dead body in the hallway?"

7/26/2006 4:49 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris, you are the poet laurete of the
comics blogosphere.

And I am drunker than a moose.

Top that, Scipio!

7/26/2006 4:50 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


That was fucking great.

7/26/2006 5:41 AM

Blogger ColtCCO said...

Bravo! Well put, well rhymed.

I just found a copy of Civil War in my local shop's $.25 bin, and did not question, but just grabbed it. I'd been following prelude in ASM. Hoping they put the whole thing, all the tie-ins and not just the five issues in a Trade paperback.



7/26/2006 5:42 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Verily you are the Poet Laureate of the funny book world.

Though I think that Thor isn't a turncoat and will teleport everyone out. The Odinson does't strike me as someone who lets little men in suits tell him what to do.

Unless someone working for the government was able to heft the hammer and turn the power against the rebels a la the Ultimates.

We're going to need a lot more poetry to sort this out.

7/26/2006 8:30 AM

Blogger joncormier said...

I think I want all my comic's read then summarized back to me in verse from now on.

7/26/2006 8:43 AM

Blogger Katherine said...

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Such destruction! Can't imagine!
Not like that one time when Manhattan
Was invaded by Atlantis, Snakes, or Space.

Or when Hell on Earth erupted,
Or the President Corrupted--
But let's continue moving on apace.

Though you didn't even mention that time when Thanos killed half the people in the universe. Thanos gets no love!

7/26/2006 9:21 AM

Blogger CalvinPitt said...

Beauty, sheer beauty.

I have to say though, what this reminded me of was those poem cartoons Bill Watterson used to do in Calvin and Hobbes.

They were usually about monsters under the bed or something. They had the same sort of style, so of course that only makes this more excellent to me.

7/26/2006 10:56 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Meanwhile, in Cap's base-a-ment:"
God, that was a terrible pun. But funny.

Actually, this post helped clarify for me why I disliked Spider-Man so much in Civil War 3: he was just plain being a dick.

7/26/2006 11:33 AM

Blogger Hate Filled Poster said...

This is why I said you were the funniest man in the blogosphere.

7/26/2006 12:28 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow that is a long poem about superheros! I guess you are telling a poem about some comic books I have not read yet, it is about the Civil War, but Spiderman is in it? That does not make sense because The Civil War was 100 years ago (not exactly the right time, I mean it was ABOUT 100 years ago). Anyway maybe it is just "made up", like for example if you imagine if Spiderman was not the guy who he really is but if it was Civil War times he would be Abraham Lincoln (no hat).

7/26/2006 2:15 PM

Blogger David Campbell said...

Right fucking on; well played.

7/26/2006 2:54 PM

Blogger Juggernaut said...

"Turncoat" Thor? I think not.

7/26/2006 5:59 PM

Blogger JG said...

Wow...I'm awestruck. Even more so if I knew how long it took to actually write.

7/26/2006 7:27 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

Cheeseburget: Way longer than you'd think.

Shane Bailey said...
"This is why I said you were the funniest man in the blogosphere."

Technically, you said I was tied with Campbell. NO ONE RIVALS SIMS.


7/26/2006 9:01 PM

Blogger Hate Filled Poster said...

This just put you over the edge. DC needs to bring his "A" game now.

7/26/2006 10:40 PM

Blogger Hate Filled Poster said...

OK, I usually don't mention word verifications. But mine was just "pimpco". How cool is that? Only at the ISB.

7/26/2006 10:41 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Truly. Well. F'n. DOne.



7/27/2006 1:06 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only thing I don't like about that is that I didn't write it. It's absolutely brilliant.

7/27/2006 2:01 PM

Blogger Spencer Carnage said...

You guys are all fucking nerds. Just saying.

7/27/2006 10:31 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was the best waste of time EVER.

"I don't mean to be so crass,
But Tony Stark can kiss my ass."

Brings a tear to my eye.

7/28/2006 4:12 AM


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