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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

For Every Action

Before the Best News Ever hit yesterday, I was going to talk about another character's return to comics, but then Project: OMAC was announced and rendered all other news obsolete.

Unfortunately, that won't stop this piece of shit from coming back. Yeah, it's Evil Ernie. Evil fucking Ernie. Apparently not even driving a company into bankruptcy can keep him in a damn grave.

Now even by my usual standards, you may be thinking that's a little harsh. Well if it is harsh, it's because Evil Ernie is the worst comic book character ever created, and to quote Bill Hicks, "that's the fact, the factorum, and if you give me some scratch paper, I can show my work." As I mentioned a week ago, I decided one day to read every Evil Ernie comic we had on hand, so don't think this is an uninformed judgment from some elitist. I know all about his abusive parents, the Dead Onez (look, kids! The famous "90s Z!"), and the quest for Megadeth. Yes, Megadeth. Spelled like the band. I hate these comics. I mean, I read Tarot, but Evil Ernie makes the Jim Balent ouvre look like fucking Hamlet.

Now besides being Brian Pulido's jack-off teen angst revenge fantasy, Evil Ernie is rife--RIFE--with problems. It bills itself as a clever satire on both the comic book industry and the horror genre. See, in a horror movie, the bad guy will usually kill teenagers, but in Evil Ernie, he's a dead teenager that kills adults! See how close to clever that comes? No? Yeah. Me either.

What passes for attempts at satire in the world of Evil Ernie (see Evil Ernie vs. the Superheroes 1 and 2 [yes, there's a fucking sequel]) is poorly done, wrongheaded, and based on the premise that Ernie is a better character than, say, Spider-Man, and I think we can all agree that's just patently untrue, especially for a character that refers to Spidey as a "sooper-hero."

But I'm getting ahead of myself. To spare you the trouble of slogging through that quagmire of awfulness, here's a quick summary of Evil Ernie. Little Ernest Fairchild has telepathic powers, and because he's different, shy, and has a shitty perm (we can assume this mirrors the childhood of a certain creator), his parents beat the hell out of him. This child abuse is shown in flashback for about six pages in every issue, and is portrayed so over-the-top and cartoonish as to be laughable. I seem to remember at one point that his dad hits him with a baseball bat and throws him through a window, and the next day he's got a black eye. A BLACK EYE! What is he, Wolverine?! Anyway. He's experimented on by a scientist or something and ends up hanging out in the Endless Graveyard with Lady Death, who at least had the good sense to get bought by a separate company and legally end her involvement in Ernie's stories.

So Ernie, at the age of like 13, ends up killing 37 people in his neighborhood, which is absolutely ludicrous. It's absoludicrous. He'd have to be quieter than Snake Eyes and luckier than Longshot to pull that off. Regardless, he gets shipped off to another scientist where another experiment goes awry and turns him into Evil Ernie, and he subsequently murders everyone east of the Mississippi River, including dropping a military satellite on New York. Then he blows up the world with nuclear weapons or something and gets rebooted. We didn't have those issues, thank God.

The crazy thing about it is that everything wrong with Evil Ernie--the over-the-top violence, the insanely nonsensical series of events, the way the world is an idea viewed through a lens of madness--is what's charming about OMAC. Which just goes to show that Brian Pulido is no Jack Kirby. Jack was writing for us, while Brian wrote self-indulgent tripe.

And a quick word on the violence. There's something enjoyable about Jack Hawksmoor punching a guy in the brain. Maybe it's because that's not the primary focus of the Authority. But when Ernie does it--and I've seen him do it, dear God, have I seen him do it--you just know that someone was sitting there drawing it going: "AW MAN THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME LOOKAT THAT BRAIN GOIN' EVERYWHERE!" It's an unhealthy way to run things.

And I won't even get into the fans.

For what it's worth, Tim Seely seems like he has at least a handle on how Ernie works, and he's come up with what sounds like the best Evil Ernie plot in years--which isn't saying much--and is trying to tie it into some kind of continuity. It's hardly a noble goal, but I wish him the best of luck with him, and I honestly want to see if someone can fix a character I declared irreparably and inherently flawed.

Maybe this'll get someone to finally look at my Cremator proposal. I'm telling you, it's Conan meets Sandman... in hell.


Blogger Chris Sims said...

And on the two-week anniversary of starting my blog, I apparently stop caring about not dropping the F-Bomb. Jeez, I'm a pottymouth. Sorry.

1/19/2005 11:28 PM

Blogger Phil Looney said...

Your blog is not kid friendly by any means.

1/20/2005 8:37 AM

Blogger 1stPrize said...

I might have been able to enjoy this post a little more if it wasn't for this horrendous pain in my back.

1/20/2005 9:45 AM

Blogger Ali said...

Rather than turn me off this would be comic, it's actually sparked my interest.

A rousing review.

1/20/2005 9:57 AM

Blogger evil ernie raped spider man said...

Your blog is sooooo funny, ha ha ha ha ha! I love it. I love how you try to make contrast of Evil Ernie to the toughness of wolverine and spider man. I love how you refer to spider man as "SPIDEY". Oh dear, you're queer. I bet your over 30 listening to slipknot or coldplay or some weak shit like that.......spider man and the X- Man series (although classics) are gayer than all the star wars movie combined. Period. I think that says a lot about your geeky fucking comic collection. Seriously, I was turned off to comics because of all the nerdy gay pointless mutant bullshit comics untill I was introduced to Evil Ernie when I was 20. Most importantly, as a tattoo artist, the art work is whats imoprtant about comics, not the story line, read a fucking book you illiterate loser. Please reply. Thank you sweetie <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxo!!!

7/27/2006 8:47 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are the dumbest sob i have ever heard. Just because you can't stomach some gore means that you are the weakest mofo i have ever seen cock sucker

8/31/2006 1:51 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

blogger fag

8/31/2006 1:52 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, just wow. Unless all of your opinions are written as a satire of the dialogue in a Kevin Smith movie, you must be the most worthless human being on the planet. "What is he, Wolverine?!", "quieter than Snake Eyes and luckier than Longshot", and "Spidey"? The nerd-o-meter just hit an all time high. Wow, you speak as if these aren't fictional characters in worlds created by writers who are trying to sell you something (and apparently you must be buying it like a pimp at a whore sale). I hope you own a voice changer because i'm sure that every single statement you make comes out in the same accent that a stereotypical fanboy geek in a warner brothers cartoon speaks in. And by the way, as for being able to kill 37 people "absoludicrous" as you say in your faggish tongue, the dude at virginia tech did a pretty damn good job of it, and he even gave up and killed himself halfway through.

5/07/2007 6:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, Chris Sims is a virgin.

6/01/2007 1:50 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just because you don't like Evil ernie doesn't make it bad, chimp. I hated OMAC, but you don't see me writing some long-ass diatribe to insult it, and by extention, the people who enjoyed it.

7/11/2007 6:06 AM

Blogger Unknown said...

It looks like Evil Ernie fans did a fine job of insulting themselves, hiding behind cowardly names and hurling homophobic insults.

12/01/2007 8:10 PM

Anonymous Mutlee said...

Evil Ernie has it's mature points but for the most part, it's just a fun comic, so stop bitching.

3/30/2010 6:19 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, so I know Chris has moved onto greener pastures as of about five years from this blog post, but reading through his archives, I can tell that this man has been hounded by haters his whole career.

So Mr. Chris Sims, big ups to you. If I had to deal with the shit you got from both a comic book store, a comic book blog, and a comic book humor site, I'd have no time to be funny as all I'd want to do is uppercut a motherfucker.

6/01/2010 10:37 PM

Blogger Davenz said...

Amazing post...Thanks for sharing it!

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7/29/2010 4:58 PM

Anonymous viagra online said...

For ever action is one of my favorite phrases because you can use it in books , movies, comics , whatever you want.

11/25/2010 12:46 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Em at the age of 13 killing 30 odd people is quite possible actually, look through the history of crime there are serial killers as young as 7, so he wouldn't have to be "as lucky as longshot". Granted you don't like Evil Ernie, and alot of the things you say about his creator are true, but Evil Ernie is a great comic, its a break away from superhero jargon that most people grow out of, horror comics are where the action is, and by and far Evil Ernie is the best stand alone horror comic I have ever read, and I have read many, you are just a pathetic fan boy, if you don't like something, why bother waste your time with it? Answer me that.

1/02/2011 7:20 AM


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