The Warren Report: 1-7-05

Warren Ellis is a mad genius. I love the guy, can't get enough of him. Ever since I started reading Planetary, then backtracked to the Authority, Stormwatch, even the 3-issue Starjammers miniseries, I've consistently enjoyed his work in comics.

But what I've enjoyed even more is the Bad Signal. That's Warren's email newsletter where he gets on his Treo mobile device from wherever he happens to be at the time and sends out whatever's on his mind. This could be him literally anything. He's talked about how Dexy's Midnight Runners are the greatest pop band in existence, the latest update on Stealth Tribes, or a fun little piece on exploding puppies and realdolls. In a way, he's my idol.

The best ones, though, are the ones where Warren gets disgusted at society, the comic book-buying public, or whatever. Because he goes nuts. I do a pretty funny impression of him, and most of time it's paraphrased quotes, like these (my emphasis added for comedic effect):

• "I've no interest in Star Wars as I'm not NINE YEARS OLD!"
• "DC's cancelled their line of "DC Focus" titles. Dan DiDio took a big risk with these, but unfortunately, new superheroes are not 'WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT!'"
• "In nineteen-ninety-four a man was caught shagging a chicken. They didn't know what to do with him, because there haven't even been laws put into place to combat this nonsense!"

That last one's the crowd-pleaser on slow nights at the shop. It's the kind of off-the-cuff shouting that you can really get behind, and yet it still sounds bat-shit insane. Warren's great!

My favorite thing he's done in recent memory, and the reason I've decided to keep track of Warren's exploits on the ISB, is this. A few months ago, Warren decided he needed a new handheld device, and he had a strict list of features it needed to have. He opted for the Treo 600, which, I'll admit, is a pretty remarkable piece of phone technology. But you have to understand, he went on for weeks about this phone purchase, and we were on the edges of our seats, right there with him. Would he get a camera phone? One-hand navigation? Bluetooth compatible?! And for the love of God, when will he get a cloth folding keyboard?!

His enthusiasm for it was so great that it spread to the readers of the Bad Signal, or at least the ones in the greater Columbia area. "Treo" has become shorthand around the shop for a kickass technological device of any kind, and we've all voiced our desire to have one at one time or another.

So now, a few months after the Treo Saga, Warren's writing Iron Man. Issue 2 comes out, and what has Tony Stark invented to remove his company's dependence on defense contracts? A kickass cell phone with color screen, satellite uplink, ultrafast data transfer, and camera. As he says, "the world's best cell phone."

Tony Stark invented the Treo of the Marvel Universe.

Now maybe that's only funny if you religiously follow the Bad Signal, but me, I think it's hilarious.

SENT FROM THE DESKTOP
PROBABLY IN MY LIVING ROOM