Failed Attempts at Commerce

It's Friday, and normally that would mean that you'd be reading this week's edition of the Warren Report. But really, despite 12 bad signals, Ellis hasn't been that interesting this week. They can't all be about mid-90s bestiality, I guess. Anyway, if you're in the mood for more of his particular brand of all-ages fun, try out his website, which functions as a blog about a thousand times better than mine does.

What I was in the mood for today was video games. Through a series of events involving a harrowing trip to the mall on Christmas Eve, I ended up with some Gamestop store credit, so I decided to use it. Specifically, I was looking to buy Demon Stone for PS2, because, as you know, I like them Forgotten Realms guys.

What I'd failed to take into account, though, was how much the local mall sucks ass.

Seriously, having store credit at that place is like knowing a guy down at the flea market who owes you a favor. A couple years ago, I was at that shop when the guy working there was telling a poor, harried-looking mother about the upcoming PS3, due out "Sometime in 2004."

"It's going to have awesome graphics. Did you see The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? Exactly like that. And they've been doing these experiments with kids in Japan where they use those, whaddayacallem... Electrodes? They hook it up to their brain. You don't really control it with your thoughts, but the way you're thinking changes the game."

Oddly enough, when I asked Rob, who runs the EB near the shop, what he thought the PS3's features would be, the words "neural interface" never came up.

Suffice to say, they didn't have the game I wanted, so I left, and was hit up by a local rap group outside the pretzel stand. Apparently they have a new CD out, and are takin' it to the streets by loitering in the food court and spreading the word to whoever walks by.

You know, I call it a food court, but ever since the Orange Julius closed down, it's just not the same anymore. God, that mall sucks.

So it's been a rough day for both sides of the Free Market, and I was on the verge of giving up on capitalism altogether until I got home and saw the greatest television advertisement in the history of the world. It opens up on this couple sitting around, the husband reading a newspaper. The wife looks at the camera and says: "Keeping a marriage going is hard work."

Then she pulls out the bottle of KY Warming Lubricant.

Holy Crap, I thought I was going to die I started laughing so hard. I didn't even know they bothered to advertise. Apparently it "creates a gentle warming sensation," a fact that is met with an extremely interested eyebrow raise from the husband. I swear, if that commercial would've been ten seconds longer, I think they would've just shouted: "Hey! You can use this for butt-sex!"