Reasons I Might Be Gay
So this lady walks into the store today. "Hello," she says. "My son needs some Lord of the Rings cards for a tournament on the 18th."
"Okay, what do you need?"
"He needs one of the decks from the latest expansion, with one of the characters on it. I think it's somebody who got wounded in battle or something? Legless?"
I explained to her that the poor guy's named Legolas, and that he never suffered a mishap resulting in amputation, but she just wouldn't get off the point, and kept asking how he lost his legs. Some people.
That's when I decided that spending a good portion of my day discussing Orlando Bloom might be indicative of something other than how I'm wasting my life. I think I might be gay. Now don't get me wrong: Chris Sims loves the ladies. But there's a mountain of evidence that can't be ignored.
Take for example my supposed man-crush on John Cassaday. Look, it's not my fault that he's so damn handsome and one of the best pencillers around working on well-written books. The guy's got it all. I'm just a truth-teller, man. Still, it keeps adding up:
- I have, on various occasions, expressed a desire to engage in intimate relations with the following men: William Shatner, the Rock, Bruce Campbell, and Batman. Now these were hypothetical "If I had to bang a dude" conversations, but still. Pretty gay.
- I once said Ben smells like apples, which is absolutely true. But yeah, that comes off as kinda homo.
- I took Drama in high school. Also, I hang around Brandon a lot. He claims to be straight, and even goes so far as to have sex with as many women as he can, but he's also a drama major. And he's totally gay for Scott Lobdell. I don't know if you can catch it from someone, but that might be where I got it.
- I cry every time I read Marvels.
- I have been in the same bed as Scott an extended period of time, shortly after we both consumed truly heroic amounts of alcohol. That crosses over the line into really gay, but it was a matter of practicality: He was still having trouble standing up. For the record, it was a harrowing experience.
- I like Hello Kitty a lot. Also, I own Powerpuff Girls bed sheets and use them regularly. I really have no defense for this one.
So, um, yeah. Sorry, ladies. As the Magic Hate Ball would say, "Signs Point to Queer." It's even gotten so bad that last week, I actually said at work: "I'm going to admit something to you guys. I think I'm gay for the Punisher."
Why ELSE would I have gotten even further into the Box O' Punishment today? I made it up to Punisher #50, and brother, it was an uphill battle. The issues I read involved the Punisher infiltrating a biker gang and cooking up a batch of crank, being strapped to a massive cannon in the Middle East, and a special appearance by the Devil.
Yes, that Devil.
It's not as good as it sounds.