Giant-Size Movie Review: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!

Normally I'd leave this sort of thing to my man J. Kern, but because YOU demanded it (and I'm talking here to Mike Autry specifically, I'm sure the rest of you couldn't give a damn), here it is! The review of the movie so absoludicrous that I had to take two days off just to process it. Without further ado, I bring you...

JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER!
Watch the trailer!

Right from the start, you can tell this movie is very, very Canadian, which goes a long way to explaining why it looks like the final project of a first-year film class. That doesn't, however, explain why the whole thing's apparently been dubbed, because I'm pretty sure they speak English up there.

Another thing you can tell right off the bat is that this thing's going to be awesome. How? THIS GUY.



That's right, it's comic book superstar Alan Moore! Or at least a reasonable simulacrum thereof. He busts out of some bushes to give you a pretty intense pre-movie warning and does some scripture quoting.

Cue the credits, and then an odd scene where lead vampire gal Maxine Schreck bites a nurse in a way that can only be described as "allegedly sexy." Then she steals her car, which appears to be a 1984 four-door Volvo, which probably gets 86 litres per hectare or whatever crazy system they use up there.

Maxine, like most of the female characters in this movie, almost hot in a Canadian sort of way. Also, like every female character in this movie, she's a lesbian. This is actually a plot point later.

Cut to a meeting between the Brother Voodoo-coifed Father Eustace and the punk-rock preacher Father Alban. They discuss Ottawa's rising problem with the Undead, and decide to get some serious help. Alban hops a moped with another priest, and they roll off to the lake to get help from the one man who can save 'em: Jesus Christ.

JESUS: Lemonade?
PRIEST: Will there be enough?
JESUS: Oh, there'll be plenty.
FATHER ALBAN: I thirst for nothing but justice for the fallen sheep of our flock.

No sooner have they told him the problem than Maxine and two other vampire gals show up to wreck the fun. The two priests bless the entire lake, and Jesus chucks the vampires in there with a perfectly-executed airplane spin. The two priests are done in, however, and Jesus decides he needs the kind of edge that only a new haircut and a musical number can provide.

Yes, I said musical number.

Why don't you listen for yourself?

Once the dancing stops, we get a little more explanation as to why the vampires can walk around in the sunlight. My personal theory is that the filmmakers didn't have money for lighting, but it could be the evil plot they talk about. Who knows? We ALSO get the greatest scene transition ever with a cross superimposed over a spinning spiral background. It took me until the third one of these to figure out they were parodying the transitions from the Batman TV show. Wow.

Jesus goes to get some wood to carve stakes, but as he's walking home, he gets ambushed by a pair of surly Canadians who deliver one of the best lines of the movie. They're athiests, and they've brought roughly forty of their friends in a single SUV to take our hero down.

It's at this point that you first notice that Jesus is wearing kicks with his robe. That's awesome.


Watch the big fight!

If there's a single moment that defines this movie, here it is: Jesus performing the Atomic Legdrop on one of three dozen athiests who comes at him from a single jeep. It's beautiful and terrible. I love it and despair.

JESUS: Real enough for you?

Jesus struts back to his apartment, only to be surprised by the presence of the moderately attractive Mary Magnum. As she says: "I'm on your side, Rabbi!" They take in a quick sauna, then decide to hit a vintage clothing store to get Jesus some new threads. Mary changes into what appears to be a dark red PVC Haz-Mat suit and they talk with the jive-talking shopkeep who has a connection to the vampires. He says things like: "Right this way, my blue-eyed soul-brother" and "A lousy nickel? That shirt's worth a sawski if it's worth a subway token" and "Now you in the hood, but you way down the block."

We also find out Mary Magnum collects salt and pepper shakers, and I swear I'm not making a single word of this up.

JC and Mary track the vampires to a local hospital, and Jesus goes in to investigate. He delivers another immortal line ("If I'm not back in five minutes... call the Pope.") and goes in to stumble upon Dr. Praetorius (who looks a lot like my brother-in-law) explaining his evil plan. It has something to do with taking the skin from lesbians and grafting it onto vampires. I think. It's at this point in the movie that your brain starts to shut itself off to avoid complete obliteration.

Maxine and new Vampire bad guy Johnny Golgotha (who sports a Death of Superman t-shirt) stage a massacre at the local Lesbian Drop-In centre, which ends in a rooftop battle with our heroes, featuring Jesus's awesome slow-motion chair dodge.


And you thought I was kidding about her outfit.

BOOM! Alan Moore shows up again for a kickass scene transition. Deafeated and alone, Jesus is left for dead, and is eventually rescued by a transvestite. At this point, I'm done making jokes. From here on in, I call it as I see it.

Trying to figure out his next move, Jesus gets a visit from his Father in the form of a bowl of ice cream with cherries.

JESUS: Is that you, Bowl of Cherries?
GOD: Do bowls of cherries talk, Jesus?
JESUS: I don't know. I've seen a lot of strange things over the years.

God tells Jesus to seek out the "saint of the wrestling ring." That's right kids. Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any better, who shows up but Mexican superstar EL SANTOS!

AY PAPI!
(NOTE: This is a picture of the actual El Santo. The one in the movie is slightly more... reubenesque.)

Yes, the hero of millions and star of such fantastic films as "Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy" shows up to lend our Savior a hand. The two get crackin' and go to shakedown the vintage clothing store owner, who drops a few more gems:

"You're gettin' all in the kool-aid, and you don't even know the flavor."
"Yeah, tell that to a one legged man so he can bump it off down the road, Jack."

Jesus and El Santo head on down to a jazz club to hear a guy scat about Star Wars for a few minutes, then Jesus realizes that everyone else in the place--mostly lesbians--is a vampire. And you know what that means.



Jesus and El Santo take the whole place on Old Testament style, with everything they can lay their hands on: drumsticks, crutches, bar stools, toothpicks, a toilet plunger. But El Santo can't bring himself to stake his new true love (one of the lesbians) and he gets captured. Jesus prepares himself for the final battle and recieves a visit from his Mom in the form of a plastic figurine. Mary stays just long enough to drop a Kids in the Hall quote on him before Maxine, Johnny, and the newly risen vampire Mary Magnum show up to capture him.

BOOM!



Alan Moore shows up ONE MORE TIME to set up the final battle. Remember Father Eustace from an hour or so ago? No? It's okay, nobody expects you to. Anyway, he's behind the whole thing, and it's up to Jesus and El Santo to take him and the vampires down in a battle to the finish in a car junkyard. Do not miss the excitement of the best kick ever and Mary Magnum getting clotheslined right off her dirtbike.

But what about Dr. Praetorius? He's watching the whole thing go down live on TV when Jesus busts into his laboratory.

DR. PRAETORIUS: But you're at the wrecking yard! On TV! Live!
JESUS: I'm everywhere.

It's here that the awesomeness of this movie reaches critical mass. I can't even begin to describe how it goes down. Suffice to say that Jesus and El Santo beat up the vampires, Jesus cures Mary Magnum (who turns out to be a lesbian), Maxine, and the girl El Santo fell in love with (who turns out to be bi), so it all works out okay. Oh, and Alan Moore busts out of the bushes one more just in case you didn't think this was the best movie ever made.

But as the movie ends, they crank up the awesome factor to a level that man has never seen before with the song that plays over the end credits. You MUST hear it yourself for the full effect.

He came from Heaven
Two stakes in his hand!
To smote the vampires
And free the land!
Come now and join him
All ye strong and bold!
We'll fight together,
Like the days of old!
It's all good! It's all right!
Everybody get laid
TONIGHT!

Holy crap. This movie is awesome and that's a fact. Almost as much violence as the Passion and a better score than Jesus Christ Superstar, I'm pretty sure that the Sims household is going to be watching this one every Thanksgiving.

[NOTE: I couldn't get the DVD to work on my PC, so I ended up stealing the screenshots and media you see on this page. Most of the screenshots, all of the sound files, and the video come from the review over at BadMovies.org, and were shamelessly jacked by me. Sorry, folks. And check out the official JCVH site here!]