ISB Mailbag: He Hate Me

Ladies and gentlemen, I have arrived.

Yes, I finally feel like I've made it in the world of writing on the internet, because today, I got my first ever hate mail. I'm pretty excited about it, so I thought I'd share it with you people.

Today's epistle comes from "Mike," and it's in reference to a post from last week where I talked about a cardboard cut-out of Natalie Portman and its adventures in the store. It's a piece that got linked from a couple of places, and may actually be the most-read one I've done. And someone out there hates it.

Subject: Okay, just read your blog dude, you need help man

First off, I don't know your sexual orientation but I have yet to meet a straight guy who uses the word "creepy" as much as you. Little 3rd grade girls use the word when frightened of Count Chocula on the fucking television.

Okay, I don't know what your thing against this dude is - who is obviously fucked in the head a little. But your paranoid ass behavior made me wonder about your sanity as well.

You must be one of those unstable assholes who has to attack other people to try and keep his mind off his own insanity. Take my advice dude:

1) Stop using the word creepy

2) Stop working in a comic shop

Who the fuck do you expect to come into a comic shop? Millionaires? Losers and weirdos like yourself and that other guy obviously do because they have no other calling in life.

Quite sad actually.

I know, it's awesome. And yet, after reading it, I still didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In fact, I was pretty sure that I'd done something right to get this kind of response to something I've written.

How about I break this one down piece by piece?

First off, I don't know your sexual orientation but I have yet to meet a straight guy who uses the word "creepy" as much as you. Little 3rd grade girls use the word when frightened of Count Chocula on the fucking television.

You know why I like this guy? Besides the fact that he's the first person to actually send an email in reference to the ISB, I mean. He's the kind of guy who doesn't wait for the end of the email to bust out the allegations of homosexuality. Brother, if only you knew. Right from the start, I can tell that I'm dealing with a master of logic. I think it was Plato who first came up with the "if you don't agree with me you must be into dudes" argument in one of the Dialogues.

And man, comparing me to a girl? That's harsh enough, but a third grade girl? You, sir, go for the jugular.

Okay, I don't know what your thing against this dude is -

That's weird, I thought I was pretty thorough with that in the original post.

who is obviously fucked in the head a little.

Considering he told other human beings that he wanted a mindless clone of an actress that he could rape at his leisure, I'm going to go ahead and upgrade that to a lot.

But your paranoid ass behavior made me wonder about your sanity as well.

I'm not exactly sure what behavior he's talking about here, since I don't remember writing anything I'd call "paranoid." It's not like I think the guy's out to get me or anything, I just don't want to deal with his nonsense. Rude? Yes. Paranoid? I don't think so.

You must be one of those unstable assholes who has to attack other people to try and keep his mind off his own insanity.

In all seriousness, he's got me here. I haven't been what anyone would call "stable" since Terror, Inc #4, and I think we can all agree that I'm prone to violent outbursts against things I don't like. Then again, I don't send hate mail to people I disagree with on the internet, so I can't be too far gone. Maybe I can get Trey to give me a clean bill of health so I can become a productive hate-mailing member of society.

Take my advice dude:

You are the new Buddha and I will follow your path.

1) Stop using the word creepy

2) Stop working in a comic shop

3) Devote your free time to emailing people about stuff on the internet that you don't like.

And seriously, man, what is your deal with the word "creepy?" Did a Warren magazine mug you when you were a small child? How the hell else am I supposed to describe somebody who gives me the creeps?

Who the fuck do you expect to come into a comic shop? Millionaires?

Look, chief, I'm fully aware that I'm going to have to deal with all manner of social deviants in my line of work. It's part and parcel of the job, and I knew that when I signed on. But the flipside of that particular coin is that they're the ones who have to worry about some unstable asshole getting on the internet and making fun of them. It's the world we live in.

Losers and weirdos like yourself and that other guy obviously do because they have no other calling in life.

Wait just one second. He's emailing me to tell me I "need help" because I make fun of a guy for being a loser and a weirdo, but he himself refers to him as a "loser and weirdo" in the email! This is like one of those "the enemy of my enemy" things that I just can't figure out. Are we actually on the same side? Do I get to send him an email calling him gay now because he made fun of the guy?

Anyway, here's my favorite part:

Quite sad actually.

How awesome is that? I get this image of a guy with a monacle and a handlebar moustache sipping his tea and dashing off a quick missive about how gay I am for making fun of someone.

"Nigel, come quick! I've cast aspersions onto this chap's love of buggery! It's spot-on!"

It's a nice thought, and it made me chuckle. But then again, it's far more likely that he finished up the email and went back to looking for screencaps of Closer to spaff on.

To each his own.