The Week In Ink, 10-26-05

So last night, just before closing, we've got a Customer Double-Shot that would've made a lesser man weep.

It all started with a pretty cute girl who, on reflection, I'm pretty sure was high. I say this because she was wandering aimlessly around a comic book store staring at the action figures while she ate an entire family-size bag of Skittles. At one point she walked over to Ben and pointed to a shelf with a sign hanging on it that said "All Toys 50% Off Of Lowest Price Marked!" and asked him if the toys were half off.

And then she asked if they were half off the price that was marked.

Then she asked him if they were half off. Again.

That, I was willing to forgive. I mean, she was a cute girl, and down at the Wiz, that's not something you see every day. Plus, I was secretly hoping she'd share her candy.

That's when the other guy walked in. I've termed this particular customer Jedi Mullet, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about him. He came in a while back to buy one of our Force FX Lightsabers, and was back for another one. Ben went to go help him, and I went back to leering--yes, I'll admit it--at Skittles.

A few seconds pass. That's when I hear "No, the LIGHTSABER. THE LIGHTSABER." The dude's shouting in a very irritated voice, and I whip my head around to see what's going on. The only thing I can think of is that Ben grabbed the wrong thing and this guy's flipped out on him, which--considering that Ben was not only a reader, but a subscriber to Black Belt Magazine--was a one-way ticket on the pain train.

Please, I think, Please don't let Ben Uppercut him until I turn around to see it.

As it turns out, though, he's shouting into his cell phone, and growing more belligerent by the moment.

"I SAID A LIGHTSABER. From STAR WARS, have you HEARD OF IT?!"

Rats.

Anyway, he finishes talking to someone that my seventh sense informed me was probably his mother, then walks back over to the counter, asking Ben when we're moving, a question that we're all pretty tired of answering after a solid month of Moving Sale. At the same time, Skittles is making her way to the counter with an entire armful of purchases.

Ben gives directions to the new shop to Jedi Mullet--standing not three feet in front of Skittles--and the instant, the very nanosecond he finishes, she asks where we're moving.

It was too much. I caught Ben's eye and started laughing and couldn't stop for half a minute. The entire month of lunatic customer annoyances, wrapped up perfectly in thirty seconds.

Anyway, here's this week's books, complete with the high-and-lowlights.

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Adventures of Superman #645

Angel: The Curse #5

Army of Darkness vs. Reanimator #1: Bruce Campbell is a personal hero of mine, but my loyalty to him is put to the test every time one of these comes out. Believe me, just getting through one is an uphill battle. You know, when I was about 14, I came a hair's breadth from writing some Army of Darkness sequel fan-fiction, and from the looks of things, if I had I'd have a job with Dynamite Entertainment, and you wouldn't be reading about my customers. And what a tragic end that would've been.

Burglar Bill #4

Captain America #11

Defenders #4

The Flash #227: Shouldn't any comic that gets to #227 have a special guest appearance by loveable sitcom shrew Jackée? Believe it, player, that's how it's going to be in the World That's Coming. For now, we have this. After the way the Johns run ended, I remember saying that I was looking forward to whatever Cavalieri brought to the table. It was a nice theory, but in practice? Not so much.

Jack Cross #3

JLA #121: The ISB Presents: An Imaginary Conversation Between Editor Mike Carlin and Cover Artist Daniel Acuna:

"You know what our readers need more of, Daniel?"

"What's that, Mike?"

"Black Canary's crotch!"

"And how!"

JLA: Classified #13

JSA: Classified #4: It's always a little disconcerting when someone's "difinitive origin" ends with a blurb telling you to check out another series if you've got any questions, I don't care how pretty Amanda Conner's art is. That said, there's a scene where Power Girl (who has Super-Strength) knees Psycho Pirate (who does not) right in the junk, and the sound effect is "KRAKTCH!" Now that'll put a hitch in your getalong.

Legion of Super-Heroes #11: Ah, now here's some comics. This issue's a little muddled, what with sentient ideas and a trip to the 5th Dimension, but there's a neat little back-up story and the scenes with Brainiac 5 are pure gold. It's Deep Space Future Teenager Action As You Like It!

The Losers #29: Considering how close this book is to the chopping block, you're probably not reading it. Maybe I can change that with one simple phrase: It's Andy Diggle writing the A-Team. Seriously. In 2003, a crack commando unit was framed for a crime they did not commit. These men promptly escaped to the underground and now exist only to hunt down a seemingly immortal CIA spook who wants to rule the world and used an earthquake to create his own Nuclear Rogue State. If you have $2.99, maybe you can read... The Losers.

BA-BADA-BA! DUN DUN DUNNN!

New Avengers #12

New Thunderbolts #14

New X-Men: Academy X #19 and New X-Men: Academy X Yearbook Special: Nunzio DeFilippis and Christina Weir have done a great job with this book over the past few years, but apparently The Kids want to read about X-23. I've made my feelings pretty well-known on that particular issue, and it's an entirely different discussion altogether. Still, it's a shame that their run on the book has to end like this, especially knowing all the awesome stories they had planned. It feels pretty rushed, and even Aaron Lopresti's artwork seems hurried. But after all, it is a House of M tie-in, and it's nice that they gave the kids a big Butch-and-Sundance moment before the Scarlet Witch's Narrative Vagina gets on the scene and wipes it all out.

The yearbook special's a lot better. The story gets everything back to the status quo, wrapping up all the teen angst, but the real treats are the Official Handbook entries and the Yearbook Pages, which show not only the main characters, but all five squads of Xavier School students that never got any face-time. Somewhere out there, there's a great story with Kidogo, Pixie, and Network that I want to read.

DeFilippis and Weir have a new graphic novel in this month's Previews, and you all really should pick it up.

Noble Causes #14

Revelations #3

Silent Dragon #4

Solo: Mike Allred

Super F*ckers #273: I was pretty sure before, but now I'm convinced: James Kochalka could beat the ever-lovin' crap out of a 1920s Dandy. And that's real conversation for your ass.

Teen Titans #28: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Thank God that's over. It's... It's just... It's ri-Goddamn-diculous that this got printed.

... Uh... sorry, Gail. I still really like Villains United. And Birds of Prey, Agent X, and Killer Princesses. I promise.

Ultimate Secret #4

Wonder Woman #222

Young Avengers #8