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Sunday, November 27, 2005

Public Service Announcement, Redux

I neither have nor plan to have any children, so I'm not about to start telling people how they should raise theirs, but I think there's a few rules of society that we can all agree on that I'd like to point out:

If your children smell like urine to the point where a noxious cloud of pee-odor expands to fill not only their immediate surroundings, but a vast portion of a retail establishment, do not take them into public. Instead, keep them at home and bathe them, if necessary holding them under the surface of a tub full of bleach until the thrashing stops.

Now while that may sound a little harsh, keep in mind that it's very hard to do inventory at a comic book store when the piss-reek rising in waves off of someone's ill-cared-for children assaults your faculties like tear gas, only far more disgusting. It's enough to make a man mean.

And I'm not talking about a whiff of pee, either. As Hale pointed out earlier this evening when I related my sad tale of woe, dashing young man-about-town Dane Cook does a bit about a kid he went to elementary school with who had a simliar affliction, who smelled like he had been "dipped in piss." Before, I thought that was a humorous exaggeration, but now I know the awful truth. And such knowledge has transformed me into a shambling mockery of a human being. Damn you, pee-children... I was once a man!



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