Romance Special: How To Get A Girl in Ten Days

Valentine's Day is coming up fast, and if you're anything like me, your plans involve loneliness, a drunken stupor, and a twenty-minute string of curses upon the girl who broke your heart and stole your Swamp Thing trades. But fear not, you who have been gut-shot by Cupid's Arrow. I do these things so that you won't have to. And so, aided by the new Marvel Romance trade paperback and my own extensive knowledge of Silver-Age Romance Comics, I've put together a theoretically foolproof plan for achieving romantic success in eight easy steps.

Me, I'm going to stick with alcohol and profanity. But you let me know how it all works out.

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Step 1: Meet A Girl


Women are, allegedly, everywhere. Being as I work in a comic book store I don't see a lot of evidence to support this theory, and the ones who wander in tend to be way more into Rogue and Gambit than any right-thinking person should be. But as science has proven, they are out there, and if you happen to be a handsome millionaire football star, meeting one should be a snap. In fact, you can pretty much skip the rest of this list.

The rest of you are pretty much screwed. Try, I don't know, becoming America's Most Brilliant Writer,a Dashing Broadway Producer, or, with this unseasonably warm winter, a hunky lifeguard. Such a course of action might not fit into the ten-day time limit for this year's Valentine's Day, but that's a problem for another guide.

Step 2: Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number


'Nuff said, True Believer.

Step 3: Impress Her


After you've succesfully encountered a woman, gaining experience commensurate with her Challenge Rating, you've got to show her that you're worth her time and effort. Do not under any circumstances attempt to do this by making a D&D joke like the one in the previous sentence. The results will be, I assure you, catastrophic. Instead, dazzle her with your wit, charm, and skills.

Surprisingly, a thorough knowledge of the Legion of Super-Heroes only works on like 43% of the female population, so you're going to have to do something that has a much more universal appeal, like tree-climbing.

Yeah. Climbing trees. I was surprised too.

Step 4: Show Her You Care


Don't be shy about the way you feel about your prospective ladyfriend, guys. You've got to let her know how much you care about her, or she's just going to assume that you're some sort of Broadway-producing tree-climbing gigolo. Put some emotion into it.

The best way to do this, of course, is to sabotage her career. Especially if she shows a lot of promise in what she's doing. After all, the more successful she gets, the more likely she is to run off with her boss, who will mistake her borderline stalking for an intense dedication to the business. Plus, once you've shattered her goals, she'll have nowhere to turn but you!

Step 5: Try Not To Have a Sister


You ask me, that's pretty good advice for life in general, but in matters of romance, being an only child is absolutely paramount. If you have a sister, you will inevitably forget to mention this on your dates, even if you go so far as to become engaged. Then, your sister will pay a visit and your newfound ladyfriend will see her, immediately reaching the conclusion that you're cheating on her with someone who bears a suspicious resemblance to you.

It happens all the time.

Of course, if she has a sister...

...go for it.

Step 6: Forgive and Forget


One theme that remains constant through all of these stories is that women are completely bat-shit insane. It's like a peek into Dave Sim's head or something. But be that as it may, it's got to be true. I mean, Jack Kirby never told a lie; he said so himself.

So even if you manage to get through life unburdened by siblings, odds are that your lady's going to experience an unprovoked freak-out at some point during the relationship and run off in tears, yelling that she never wants to see you again. Don't worry. This is perfectly normal. She'll be back as soon as she has a heart-to-heart with her mom about the nature of your love or overcomes her overbearing aunt's slanders against you.

Feel free to call her a ninny when she comes back. It's not only expected, but apparently encouraged.

Step 7: Do NOT Come Down With The Grippe


I don't even know what the hell that is, but believe me: It'll fuck up your plans in a heartbeat. And for God's sake, if you do get it, don't get your mom to call in sick to your date for you. What are you, six years old?

Step 8: Know How To Break It Off


Alas, nothing lasts forever. And considering what we learned in Step 6, you're probably better off getting out of there before she takes it too far and comes at you with a knife. So take the example above to heart, and just get in there and get it over with quick. It's like ripping off a band-aid: Eventually you'll learn to enjoy the pain you're inflicting.

And for God's sake, do not let her borrow your Alan Moore trades. It's just asking for trouble.