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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Rebuttal

So earlier tonight, Ragnell and I were discussing this whole "50 Greatest Characters in the DCU" thing that seems to be going around when she mentioned that she thought Kyle Rayner was a better character than Darkseid.

Now I'm not saying she was in a boozy methadone haze when she said this, but regardless: that is crazy talk. I was willing to let it slide, however, because to be quite honest, we're looking for different things out of comics. Me, I'm a fan of the dynamic action and battery-throwing, whereas she's more of what we call an "ass-based reader."

Don't get me wrong, Kyle's my favorite Green Lantern and all--mostly because he happened to be the one Grant Morrison wrote about in JLA while he was over in his own book lying to his girlfriend about his mother being dead--but that sort of thing just doesn't stack up against Jack Kirby's idea of Ultimate Galactic Evil.

But let's look at the facts, won't you?

CHALLENGE ONE: The Ladies

Here's Kyle's first encounter with Supergirl, provided by Seven Hells:


Ouch. Shot down by a girl whose last boyfriend sacrificed her to the Devil. That's gotta hurt.

And here's Uxas entertaining Supergirl in the romantic 30th Century:



Looks like he really knocked her off her feet!

CHALLENGE TWO: Maintaining Your Cool While Enjoying A Tasty Beverage

If you break it down by page count, most of Kyle Rayner's time is spent drinking coffee at Radu's (followed shortly by "engaging in disastrous romance" and "flying around assuring people that he's the real Green Lantern" as a close third). Let's check out the technique he uses to accomplish this simplest of tasks:


Wow. Dropped it right out of the panel at the slightest hint of surprise. That's gotta be the guy we want with the most powerful weapon in the universe on his finger. And he should certainly have some more caffeine.

By contrast, here's how Darksied likes to quench his thirst:


A delicoius snifter of brandy, in someone else's house, kicked back like he owns the place. I daresay he's chillaxing.

CHALLENGE THREE: Fightin' and Winnin'

Darkseid is an unimaginably powerful combatant, seen here doing battle with mighty Orion, using a kick so powerful that it can only be contained by a double-page spread:


And here's Kyle, in imminent danger of being held down and beaten to death by Dr. Light after he lost his ring during a prison riot.


Okay, okay. To be fair, he didn't lose his ring. It was stolen. By the Red Dart.

So, who's the winner in this little showdown? I think that's obvious.






PS: No matter who you are or what you do, Darkseid probably has a tape of your wife having sex with someone else.

Just something to keep in mind.

10 Comments:

Blogger Ragnell said...

You underestimate the power of a good set of hindquarters, Chris.

This is not the end.

5/22/2006 1:59 AM

 
Anonymous Christopher said...

If that had been a Kirby comic he woulda said, "I will demonstrate using this item the earthlings call a 'video tape'"

Also, after Darkseid sits on your chair you have to throw it out, because it will be forever tainted... WITH EVIL!

Seriously, it's in one of the first issues of The New Gods. Look it up.

Actually, as much as I love Darkseid, I think it was a mistake to ever put him in the mainstream DC universe, because it means he ends up fighting with a bunch of dorks, (Like the freaking Atom. Some of Darkseid's owlier minions can go toe to toe with superman, so Darkseid should be able to squish the Atom in less then a second) and he can never be killed. Him not having a final confrontation with Orion really cheapens the story Kirby told in his brilliant Fourth World books.

5/22/2006 7:00 AM

 
Anonymous acbnp said...

Darkseid has his leading toe pointed so daintily for that kick. Is that emboite, or tendu? Either way, so very exquisite...

5/22/2006 9:21 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

>>Also, after Darkseid sits on your chair you have to throw it out, because it will be forever tainted... WITH EVIL!

Seriously, it's in one of the first issues of The New Gods. Look it up.<<

I would buy a comic about Scott dragging the now-evil chair out to his curb and leaving it for the trashmen and then some college kids driving by pick it up for their house. Then one of them sits in it to watch a whole season of Friends on DVD and becomes some Kirby-esque super-villain.

5/22/2006 11:44 AM

 
Blogger Batiduende said...

Also, after Darkseid sits on your chair you have to throw it out, because it will be forever tainted... WITH EVIL!

Come on! It's not like he forgot to wear pants!

5/22/2006 12:59 PM

 
Blogger Steven said...

Is it too nerdy to point out that it wasn't Supergirl's last boyfriend, but her next boyfriend who sacrificed her to a cat-god? And that her last boyfriend was Lex Luthor?

And Kyle still couldn't catch a break?

Yes, it is too nerdy? I'll shut up now. (mostly cause I agree with Ragnell)

5/22/2006 1:35 PM

 
Anonymous Tug said...

I'm afraid that even in the Derriere Department, Darkseid might have Kyle beat. I mean, sure you have to have some buns of steel for tights, but it takes a real man to pull off a mini-skirt.

5/22/2006 3:52 PM

 
Blogger David Campbell said...

Darkseid's ass is way underrated. You could bounce a quarter off that booty! He's a serious hunk of meat, Darkseid is.

5/23/2006 6:28 PM

 
Blogger Sinspired said...

Nope. Kyle.

5/23/2006 9:51 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would it change anyone's mind if you learned that Scott and Barda don't have any brandy in their home? That Darkseid actually brought that snifter with him and filled it up with Yoo-Hoo from the fridge, just so he could look extra suave and evil? Kyle may know fear, but Darkseid IS fear.

5/23/2006 11:40 PM

 

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