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Monday, September 04, 2006

The Non-Stop Parade of Horrors That is Superboy #105, Part Three

So far, the ISB's death-defying look at Superboy #105 has included a Superboy story wherein Our Junior Hero--apparently seeking to provide himself with more of a challenge--acts like a complete and utter moron for a few days to bring in some heroin dealers, and a Superbaby story involving a little girl in dire peril of being eaten by no less than two carnivorous animals.

Where, you may be asking, can we possibly go from here?

Multiple Super-dogs. THAT'S where.

PART FOUR: Ha-Ha Krypto, You Suck Now!




I don't want to get anybody's hopes up here, so let me just go ahead and put this out there: Unlike his historic battle against Lex Luthor's dog Destructo, at no time in this entire story is there a scene where Krypto and Swifty battle to the death. What you actually get is even stranger.

Sure, things start out normally enough: Superboy and Krypto are out on patrol in Virginia one day when they catch sight of an aristocratic fox-hunter who has become extremely displeased with one of his greyhounds when it refuses to engage in the "cowardly" act of ganging up on a fox, and opts to resolve the situation by firing his rifle at a mountain until it buries the dog in an avalanche. Fortunatley, Superboy's able to save the Swifty from an untimely death, but he doesn't even bother to haul in the local Oligarch for charges of, I don't know, trying to kill a greyhound with a landslide, thus proving my theory that Superboy is just another tool of The Man.

Anyway, Swifty's understandably grateful, despite the fact that young Clark decides to abandon him somewhere in Appalachia shortly after they exchange pleasantries.



Two things I'd like to address here:

  1. Superboy is kind of a tool. Not just because he's leaving Swifty at the mercy of the elements in the middle of frigg'n nowhere, but because he's insisting that Krypto not be tied down with friends, right before he goes back to change into Clark Kent and catch the Smallville High football game with Lana and Pete Ross.


  2. Krypto is also kind of a tool. Much like Superboy's dialogue with the custard truck guy, I get the strong feeling that Swifty's response to Krypto's overexcited "HI, I'M AWESOME!" is meant to be read in an extremely sarcastic manner. And he wonders why Ace never returns his calls.


Anyway, after Superboy flies off, Swifty busts a move Incredible Journey style and ends up tracking Clark Kent down while he's on a camping trip with his folks, which, considering Clark was flying most of the way, is a pretty impressive feat indeed. So impressive, in fact, that Clark decides on the spur of the moment to bash his way into a mountain, creating a labrynth to test Swifty's intelligence, and--once that's done--giving him a cape and a serum that'll provide Swifty with super-powers.

Because, y'know, he had some left over from that time in Adventure #304 (Footnote Style!), and couldn't think of a better use for it than giving it to a random dog he found on a mountain one time.

After that, of course, there is one final test: A game of fetch, as played with a log.



I'm not going to say I was hoping for this to turn into an object lesson on how not to avoid angering a hive of bees, but I'll be honest: The thought was there.

Of course, while all this training is going on--which includes Superboy telling Swifty how much smarter and cooler than Krypto he is and taking him out into space so that he can bash up some Kryptonite meteors without fear of dying like his stupid, useless OTHER dog--Kyrpto is watching and listening (from space, of course), and growing more and more convinced that he's being replaced by a better model, a feeling that Clark does absolutely nothing to contradict.

Suitably depressed, Krypto decides to make a graceful exit and, after destroying the Doghouse of Solitude, heads off into space to find a new master.

And that's when things go completely insane.

What follows is a brief glimpse into the kind of madness lurking in the head of Jerry Siegel, and I've taken the liberty of breaking it down panel-by-panel for you:

STEP ONE:




Krypto finds a group of children and demands that they fight each other for the honor of being his master.

STEP TWO:




The children throw rocks at Krypto, who is perplexed as to why they hate him. My guess would be that it has something to do with the fact that in the previous panel, he was actively hoping they would battle each other for his amusement.

STEP THREE:




A PLANET WHERE DOGS EVOLVED FROM MEN?!

Jerry Siegel, everybody. Let's give him a big hand.

Anyway, Krypto--undertsandably freaked out at this point--decides that outer space isn't for him, and sheepishly returns home, where Superboy informs his "loveable idiot" of a pet that he wasn't creating a replacement, but a companion for Krypto, a friend that he could romp around the galaxy with, which just begs the question as to where Swifty was when Krypto needed some backup against Destructo.

Regardless, Krypto vows never to doubt Superboy's loyalty again, and having read through The Legion of Super-Heroes Archives, allow me to inform you...



... that was probably a bad idea.

The End!





BONUS FEATURE: Yet Another ISB Say This At Work Challenge!


"Kryptonite... Get Lost."


Bonus points of you direct it at your dullard coworker and fill that pause with a long, dramatic sigh.

10 Comments:

Blogger Mallet said...

Battle for my ammustment pathetic hoo-man children HA-HA!

9/05/2006 1:36 AM

 
Blogger Nimbus said...

Wait. So why did those dog-kids throw rocks at Krypto? If, on that planet, dogs were the equivalent of men why didn't the dog-kids rush up to Krypto and, I dunno, try and play ball with him?

Aaargh! It just doesn't make any sense!!

And that second to last image is just Superboy showing us that - forget cats - there's even enough room to swing a dog in there!

9/05/2006 4:59 AM

 
Anonymous Moose N. Squirrel said...

Why do Silver Age toddlers always look and act like mildly retarded midgets?

9/05/2006 8:46 AM

 
Blogger Kevin Church said...

After the panel with the rock-hurling brats, I am thinking that I may have to start up the AWP! Files

9/05/2006 10:07 AM

 
Blogger Brandon said...

Wow. I wasn't sure you could top part two. You probably need some sort of therapy after reading that entire issue.

And is it just me, or does that rock- throwing kid kinda look like a miniature version of Magnus, Robot Fighter?

9/05/2006 10:44 AM

 
Blogger Spencer Carnage said...

In Marvel, you get a dune buggy that's styled to your super hero likeness. In DC, you get super powered emo dogs. What's up with that?

Say what you want about Marvel being all "moody", at least our dogs weren't all a bunch of sissies.

9/05/2006 3:48 PM

 
Blogger Chugs Taylor said...

I've lived in Virginia for my entire life and have yet to ever see a fox in the state, an object critical to the beginning of Krypto's story. As such, I'm going with Occam's Razor here: in between June of 1963, and August of 1983, every single fox in the state of Virginia was eradicated.

Clearly.

And alien toddlers that throw rocks at flying dog-dogs(as opposed to walking dog-men) will always be ok in my book.

9/06/2006 1:48 AM

 
Anonymous Christopher said...

Moose N. Squirrel said...
"Why do Silver Age toddlers always look and act like mildly retarded midgets?"


Actuaklly, if you think about it, you'll realise they talk and act EXACTLY like Bizzaros.

Had the dC writers just never met a child?

9/06/2006 9:15 AM

 
Anonymous SallyP said...

Yeah, REAL little kids run around
saying "poopie" a lot and laughing
and falling down. They also like
to go limp in the middle of the street when you are holding their hands.

9/06/2006 10:25 AM

 
Anonymous Haerandir said...

Actually, I lived in Virginia from 1981-1996, and I saw at least two foxes during that span. Clearly, they were the Last Scions of a Lost Race, the only survivors of the Piedmont Foxpocalypse.

Either that, or they were infiltrators from Delaware.

2/10/2007 6:46 PM

 

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