An Open Letter to the Robot Masterminds Sending Me Messages On MySpace

Dear Robot Masterminds,

Yesterday, I recieved the following:

An invitation from Alyssa

Date: Nov 30, 2006 07:00 PM

Subject: New Secret Ringtone That Adults Cannot Hear!


Hi S Char, I found your profile from Black Dawn by searching for people from WASHINGTON who are 19 or younger. We just created a brand new low frequency ringtone for cellphones that adults over 25 cannot hear and we're looking for people in OMAK who could help us evaluate the new ringtone. It only takes 15 seconds and you'd get a complimentary copy of the ringtone for your help. I'd really be grateful if you could help us out. Thanks!

Far be it from me to criticize the complex sequence of ones and zeroes that allows you to perform your daily spamvertising duties, but there are several problems with this:

1. My name is not "S Char." Admittedly, most of the letters you got there fit into mine somewhere, but to be honest with you, I think you were thinking of someone else.
   
   
2. I don't know anyone named "Black Dawn," although it does sound like it might be some kind of secret ninja organization. If this is the case, please add me to your friends list.
   
   
3. Surprising pretty much everybody, I do not actually reside in OMAK, Washington, although now that I've heard the name, I want nothing more than to go there, entering the city only after fighting my way through the private army of the super-rich. Regardless, I actually live in South Carolina, and even with the pretty generous lead time you've given, I doubt it'd be feasable for me to head to the opposite side of the country for fifteen seconds and a free ringtone. Nevermind the fact that...
   
   
4. I'm not 19 or younger. I'm actually 24, which means that I'm really not the target audience for a cell-phone ringtone that I won't be able to hear in nine months. And even if I was within the stated demographic, matters would be somewhat complicated by the fact that...
   
   
5. Like most people, I already have a ringtone that adults over 25 can't hear. It's called "vibrate," and if there's anything we've learned from R. Kelly, it's that utilizing this feature can save a lot of extremely convoluted heartache.

In closing, while I certainly appreciate that you've singled me out as a fan of highly dubious science, like the kind that would necessitate a frequency emitted by a cell phone that you somehow lost the ability to hear on your 25th birthday that could also form a recognizeable version of "Lean Back," I'm afraid I'll have to decline the invitation.

I am, however, putting Alyssa into my Top 8. I think she likes me.

Best,
--Chris