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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The SHIELD Technical Manual, Section IV

Hello, and congratlations on your recent promotion to SHIELD Agent Level 4 Status! Now that you've obtained the proper clearance, this guide will serve as your handy guide to recognizing and understanding certain equipment we employ in the continual fight against Global Super-Terrorism.

Over the next few pages, we will be discussing Advanced-level technology. For further information on Basic-Level technology, such as the Exploding Shirt, Bulletproof Suit Jacket, Ionic Disruption Cufflinks, and Flying Car--please refer to Technical Manual Section II.

If you have not recieved Level 4 clearance, please be advised that nanotechnology embedded within these very words has already been activated, and will result in your death in thirty seconds.

Ha-ha! Just kidding! If you didn't have the proper clearance, you'd be dead already.



Item Codename: OVERKILL HORN



Designation: K1R-B ST-150
Purpose: Counterterrorism Research.

Description: Originally designed to test the effectiveness of and counteract a similar piece of equipment constructed by HYDRA (see Technical Manual III: Your Various Uniformed Enemies), the Overkill Horn is capable of emitting a concentrated laser-like wave of sound that can simultaneously reach every point on Earth at once in flagrant violation of established "laws" of physics.

Proper Use: Considering that any use of the Overkill Horn will result in the immediate detonation of every nuclear bomb on the face of the planet, any and all use of said item should be considered a Very Bad Idea. In fact, now that we think of it, we're not even sure why we still have this thing laying around, and we wouldn't even bother to mention it if a recruit hadn't caused $3.4 billion worth of damage to the Helicarrier after mistaking it for a video camera.

Additional Notes: Access to YouTube will be restored when Agents have proven themselves to be responsible, and no sooner.




Item Codename: INCREDIBLE ESP CHAMBER



Designation: STERANK-0 ST-162
Purpose: Intelligence and Operations Planning

Proper Use: Originally constructed over the course of a year as an attempt to harness the latent powers of PSI-Division Agents in an effort to, to quote the orignal planning statement, "shatter paranormal dimensions of time and space, searching with powerful telepathic probes across the millennia, attempting to eclipse the unknown, to unleash deadly secrets in the kill-or-be-killed game of international intrigue," the ESP Chamber quickly fell into disuse when it was discovered that putting a complex machine designed to project "unbelievable thought illusions" into a room full of techies who spend their time idly wondering what would happen if Kirk fought Picard during Pon Farr or whatever was a pretty bad idea.

Additional Notes: Kirk.




Item Codename: HAWK HARNESS



Designation: STERANK-0 ST-166
Purpose Infiltration

Proper Use: Still in use today, the High Altitude Wing Kite Harness is one nof the trademarks of SHIELD R&D's commitment to quality through design and function. When properly worn, it allows for a far more rapid and maneuverable descent from an aircraft without the drag or high visibility of a parachute. It is, however, bright orange. So lots of luck with that, Secret Agent Sam.

Additional Notes: Smoking a cigar while attempting a HALO drop is not as easy as it looks, and should only be attempted by Agents of Level 7 or higher.




Item Codename: WARP VEST



Designation: STERANK-0 ST-167
Purpose: Emergency Personal Transport/Evacuation

Proper Use: Originally based on a prototype recovered by Colonel Nick Fury from the secret laboratories of the Yellow Claw, the Warp Vest is a miniaturized version of the same technology SHIELD employs in the large-scale Vortex Beam, which allows for personal teleportation across a limited range.

Additional Notes: When using the Warp Vest, Agents will likely be transported across some sort of Dali-esque nightmare landscape of mind-shattering color. Do not be alarmed! This is completely normal, and should be considered awesome.

For futher information, please consult the Complete SHIELD Technical Manual.

25 Comments:

Blogger LurkerWithout said...

What level SHIELD agent do you have to be to get LMDs? I have plans for some "art" films involving She-Hulk and Michelle Trachtenberg...

1/25/2007 1:35 AM

 
Anonymous neisprime said...

Little known fact: The STERANK-0 ST-162 ESP chamber would later be retro-fitted into a Level X cappuccino machine.

1/25/2007 2:16 AM

 
Blogger thedeadpenguin said...

So I flipped through some Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD after reading this excellent post because I needed to keep feeling the awesome, and I have to ask - was Solomon Stone an attempt to vent off the excess MANLY ENERGY you absorbed while reading Nick Fury back issues for this post? Because Nick Fury is the LD50 of Manliness and I can see how one would overdose researching a post like this.

1/25/2007 2:23 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet MOSES that was awesome! Will you marry me?

1/25/2007 2:48 AM

 
Blogger Nimbus said...

Obviously SHIELD nicked the idea for their HAWK Harness (Designation: STERANK-0 ST-166) from the SAS over here in the UK. Except we paint the wings black. I guess orange would work at sunset but only if the next day was going to be fine and clear.

1/25/2007 8:03 AM

 
Anonymous Bill Mantlo Prime said...

Good stuff, Chris. That cheered me up when I needed it.

1/25/2007 9:20 AM

 
Blogger SallyP said...

Do you suppose that the Pentagon has this kind of hardware just sitting around?

Gosh, it must have been fun to be in SHIELD back when Fury was running the place. That Maria Hill has NO sense of humor.

1/25/2007 9:20 AM

 
Blogger Max Radical said...

Absolute top-notch.

I designate this post Level 5 ISB-Hilarious, and support any future posts on the same or similar themes.

1/25/2007 9:33 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fury in his Steranko prime v. Number 6. Discuss.

~Prisoner of the Howling Commandos

1/25/2007 9:42 AM

 
Anonymous bookrats said...

BTW, someone please tell Nick that his brother called again -- he wants the Key to the Zodiac back.

What a whiner.

1/25/2007 9:53 AM

 
Blogger Hulkster said...

The best thing about Nimbus's link above is that when I opened it, the title in the tab said, "Special Forces to use strap-on..."

I must say I'm impressed with Col. Fury's ability to smoke his stogie while using the HAWK Harness. I have a hard time keeping a cigar lit in a strong breeze, myself.

1/25/2007 11:05 AM

 
Blogger A.R.Yngve said...

I have the two NICK FURY (by Steranko) paperback collections in my bookshelf. ..

The twist at the end of the first book (Supervillain Yellow Claw turns out to be one of Dr. Doom's robots, controlled by an electronic chessboard)... that conclusion could only have been written in the late Sixties.
(Did everyone use LSD in those days??)
:-S

1/25/2007 11:33 AM

 
Anonymous SanctumSanctorumComix said...

I know they're using those strap-on wings in the real world now (wait...comics aren't real?)...
but Steranko whipped these babies up in the mid 1960's.

Were such a thing around back then?

If not, those "Q's" over in the UK nicked it from Steranko.

Don't yield!
Back S.H.I.E.L.D.!
...and the I.S.B.!!!

1/25/2007 12:22 PM

 
Blogger Richelle said...

When do we get issued an eye patch?

1/25/2007 2:02 PM

 
Anonymous Julian said...

Chris, when it's convenient to you, I'd very much like to know from which comics is the art in the panels you used.

Are there any good collections of Steranko's Marvel material in print today?

1/25/2007 7:16 PM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Julian, I "cleverly" hid that information in the item "designation" codes. Each one is the artist who drew it (Kirby or Steranko) followed by ST (for Strange Tales) and the issue number.

Or you could just go buy the trade.

1/25/2007 8:41 PM

 
Blogger Ted Bramble said...

classic

1/25/2007 8:50 PM

 
Anonymous captain supercool said...

Nick Fury should ALWAYS be portrayed smoking... even when he is scuba-diving.

On a side note, why had marvel to recolor those comics?? The use of color is half the fun in the awesomeness that we call... STERANKO!

1/25/2007 11:08 PM

 
Blogger Brandon said...

Please follow this up with an excerpt from an A.I.M. job safety handbook or something.

This should be a regular feature.

1/25/2007 11:34 PM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Nick Fury should ALWAYS be portrayed smoking... even when he is scuba-diving.

Lest you forget, Nick Fury smoked a cigar while fighting Nazis in space. Clearly, this is simply how he rolls.

1/26/2007 12:36 AM

 
Anonymous Julian said...

Chris, you are awesome.

Verily, I was baffled by the ST-XY part of those captions, maybe because the coloring in them feels quite modern and not the washed out coloring I associate with that era of marvel comics.

Or you could just go buy the trade - Which trade would that be?


PS I had a dream about the Ultimate MODOK. I don't remember much about it. Actually we've only seen Ultimate George Tarleton so far and he's not fully transformed into (something resembling) the glory that is the 616 MODOK but he shows promise. He is really creepy though. You'd probably enjoy the Ult. Vision mini and I'd like to know what you think of it.

PPS I'd also like to read your monthly Previews picks.

1/26/2007 8:02 AM

 
Anonymous captain supercool said...

Lest you forget, Nick Fury smoked a cigar while fighting Nazis in space. Clearly, this is simply how he rolls.

Ha, yes, that was a great article, almost forgot about the space nazis.
Althrough reading about the Interdimentional Space Hitler reminded me about the coolest Marvel villain since Dr. Doom: that's right, I'm talking about MECHA-STALIN, who showed up in Walt Simonson's Fantastic Four from the early 90's. Did you ever write about him Chris? If not, you should!

1/26/2007 10:40 PM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Believe it, jive turkey:

Saturday, August 19: The Unmitigated Radness of Walt Simonson's Fantastic Four.

1/27/2007 11:08 AM

 
Anonymous captain supercool said...

Holy Shit! GET OUT OF MY MIND, CHRIS!

1/28/2007 2:13 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, the fabulous toys of my childhood. Dont forget the death spores and dreadnaughts. This brings a tear to my eye (the real one).

I'd love you to continue this course of action. An AIM hardware write-up is worth waiting for.

Don't yield!
Back S.H.I.E.L.D.!
...and the I.S.B.!!!
Believe it, Offendi!!!

4/14/2007 10:32 PM

 

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