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Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Terry Long Update: Still Incredibly Hateable

Unless you've been rigorously following my guide to getting yourself a lady before next Tuesday (in which case you should've perfected your branch-to-branch technique by now), you may be in the same boat as I am, with few and dwindling prospects for... ah-romance.

But cheer up, kiddo. You may be spending your Valentine's Day alone, but it could be a lot worse. You could be spending it with Terry Long.

I discussed my vitriolic feelings towards Terry last week, but rest assured that my hatred for him, much like my love for the new season of Degrassi, grows every day. Especially today, when I ran across a run of New Teen Titans. So in case you weren't freaked out by his speedo-and-polo-shirt ensemble, here's a few more panels to get you going.

Check out Terry making the scene in his first appearance, from New Teen Titans #8:

Yes, a mere two panels into his existence and he's hitting on his girlfriend's hot coworker, after literally jumping out of his chair and flagging them down. Is that.. is that the reeking scent of desperation I smell? Must be a Terry Long appearance!

And really, Donna's a snappy dresser and all, and here she is going to meet her new boyfriend, who happens to be wearing a powder-blue leisure suit and an unbuttoned shirt that shows off his Forest of Power. The scene mercifully cuts after this so that Beast Boy can fight some robots or something, but I'd bet money that he refers to it as a "Welcome Mat" while leering at Kory at least once during lunch.

We can pretty much assume that he hits on her constantly over the next few hours, because when we rejoin their story, Donna's taking a few pictures of Kory for her modeling job, while Terry Long, Last of the Great Romantics, is hovering behind her, all but begging for a three-way.

Even Donna's saint-like patience can only take so much, leading Terry to play it off in the most annoying way possible: A Saturday Night Live catchphrase.

I want to never stop punching him. Just be glad this story didn't come out ten years later, or he would've dropped some Rob Schneider instead of Steve Martin.

He also mentions that he met Donna "right after my divorce," which means--and bear with me here--that she's his rebound girlfrend. It's mind-boggling. But not nearly as much as what happens next. Friends, prepare to have your minds blown:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Dale Gunn Effect... is in full effect.

Of course, once you dig past the bearded, fashion-impaired surface to the life of constant failure beneath, you can start to see what Donna Troy saw in the guy. There's plenty to love:

God I hate you, Terry.

And that's my last word on the matter. Unless I find that Wedding Issue...

BONUS FEATURE: One For the Guys

Ladies, what with all the white-guy fros and chest-hair in tonight's ISB, you've had your share of eye-candy. Now, gents, it's your turn. Feast thine eyes!


Blogger Earth-2 Leigh said...

I want to never stop punching him.

I now feel validated for saying that exact thing in (as the kids say) real life.

I'll leave the "Troia! Takin' some pictures!" jokes to someone else.


Damn it!

2/08/2006 12:39 AM

Blogger Big Blotto said...

You do realize everytime you make fun of Terry Long it makes Marv Wolfman cry. Do you really want that on your conscience?

2/08/2006 2:51 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have the feeling that Terry Long was a "legitimate" libido-affirmating power-trip character, a sign of those times... emerging from the subconsciousness of Wolfman, Perez and their Marvel "counterparts", Claremont & Byrne... manly (hairy) geeks, with a "suave" & "cultured" bark but, in the end, with a "safe" & "sanitized" bite... cheers...

2/08/2006 5:55 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Terry,

Please, please, PLEASE button your goddamn shirt. None of us wants to see what Donna sees before the lights go out.


Dan Coyle

2/08/2006 10:07 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to read a story where a villainous time traveler "saves" Donna's kid from the car crash to use as a hostage, not so much because it would make a good story (although it could), but because it would mean we'd get to actually SEE Terry crushed to death.

In slow motion.

2/08/2006 11:19 AM

Blogger joncormier said...

David Hasslehof of Comics. Nice chest wig.

2/08/2006 12:10 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Terry Long always struck me as the Ric Ocasek of the Titans (uncomfortably strange guy, beautiful wife), but that's probably giving him too much credit.

Here's a brief recap of the Terry Long/Donna Troy wedding issue (Tales of the Teen Titans #50), including a scene with Terry being introduced to Hawk and Dove.

2/08/2006 12:21 PM

Blogger gorjus said...

I have to say: before, I was indifferent to Terry Long, only wondering why in the hell editors allowed him to have the 'fro long, long after it was something anyone would wear (see: Nightwing's mullet).

But now? Now, he creeps me out so, so much.

2/08/2006 2:26 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still don't get it. Was he supposed to be as creepy as he clearly was? He was pretty creepy.

And you know, in about ten years, we'll be having The Goddamn Terry Long.

2/09/2006 5:43 AM

Blogger Jim Shelley said...

This Terry Long stuff is one of the best articles you've ever posted Chris! Please get a copy of the Wedding Album and review it!

2/09/2006 10:18 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wasn't Donna all of nineteen when she got married?

2/13/2006 7:55 AM

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