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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Shouldn't Those Jeans Be Purple?

I was reading through Darkhawk #35 today--slugging my way through a two-part Venom story on my death-defying drive to Darkhawk #50--when I saw what may be the single most bizarre ad I've ever seen in a comic.

Aside from the fashionable hats you could get from delicious Charleston Chew candies, Marvel's always had interesting ways to shill their various liscenses. It's a tradition, in fact, that continues to this very day, when you can pop open any book from the House of Ideas and be greeted with a surly Wolverine standing around in a pair of oddly poofy boxer shorts with his own face printed on them, but this one... This one takes the cake. Have a look, and please click for a larger image if you don't mind your world getting rocked:

Now I'm a guy who owns no fewer than three t-shirts with Batman on them, but I wouldn't even dare to attempt the fashion atrocities committed by the makers of Marvel Classic. Let's take this point by point, shall we?

Right dead center, we have what may be the most hideous outfit ever concieved by the human mind. Actually, I'm not sure that a mismatched split Punisher t-shirt, embroidered baseball cap, and what appear to be Crazy Pants™ is the doing of man and not the byproduct of some mad ritual to pay homage to the King in Yellow.

The doings of the Magnum Innominandum aside, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that those clothes apparently give you the power to dish out Explosive High Fives, which I never knew I wanted until just now. And now I want nothing more.

Above that, we have a girl in jean shorts with the Hulk embroidered on them (Someone's getting that for Christmas), and then to the right, a child in a purple Ghost Rider shirt that's maybe three sizes too big. My personal favorite, though, is the guy in the lower-right.

I like a man who says, "You know, one piece of clothing made of denim isn't enough. I need two. And you put Captain America on that shirt, or so help me I'm burning this motherfucker down." If he only had the stonewashed jacket with Wolverine airbrushed on the back that they used to have down at the mall when I was a kid, his ensemble would be truly complete.

Also, I like that he's already practicing running away from an angry mob. When you're sporting a Canadian Tuxedo like that, it's bound to be a useful skill.

However, as surprising as this may be considering that kid in the middle, the pictures are not the crazy part. No, that particular honor goes to what may be the Most Bizarre Ad Copy in the History of the World:

Second by milisecond by nanosecond the universe shudders and expands. And in every quadrant, in every dimension, the forces of evil keep pace with those of good.

Where will you stand? On what side will your allegiances lie?

God help those who can't decide.

Holy Crap. Not only is that way better than the advertising for Civil War, but that is the most threatening clothing advertisement I have ever seen in my life.

"Hey man, take it easy. I just want some jeans with the Hulk on them. We don't have to bring the Lord into this."

More Ad-Based Hilarity:

| Son of House-Ad Hijinks |
| Tired of Sticky Cubes? |


Blogger Mark W. Hale said...

"Available now at all kinds of stores near you." Thanks for narrowing it down! I'm gonna burn in hell!

4/05/2006 12:17 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet they have a bucket full of awesome ad copy in the office. Whenever you want a job writing for Marvel, your first gig is to put a couple of bits of copy in the bucket. Then whatever they're advertising, from Underoos to trading cards to Iron Man Single Malt Scotch, you just have to go to the bucket.

"As deadly as a whisper, the night sends forth its minions to do eternal battle for the soul of humanity! In stygian regions of eternal cold, not even the holocaust of all you have ever loved can warm your frozen heart! Do you dare not to eat Fantastic Four cereal? DO YOU?!"

4/05/2006 12:48 AM

Blogger Phil Looney said...

This was the predecessor to those hideous shirts that you see guys wearing with the slightly anime looking samurais on them, that they bought in a store from the mall that has the word "fashion" in it, and sells knock offs of Rocawear.

Word verification is "aggns", which is the sound I make to myself when I see one of those guys.

4/05/2006 5:56 AM

Blogger joncormier said...

Dude, I had the same revelation when I looked at the picture. I never knew I'd need explosive hi-fives to make my life complete. Now I won't be happy with anything less.

4/05/2006 9:02 AM

Blogger Bitler said...

Why Darkhawk? I'm planning on reading the entire run later this year. That's why I ask. I still need to get illusive issue 48.

4/05/2006 1:25 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

Why Darkhawk?

Because it's there.

4/05/2006 9:46 PM

Blogger Casey Malone said...

I think you missed the point of this ad...

It was a follow up the super successful Where's Waldo books, this one entitled, Where's David Lee Roth?

The answer, of course, is "In the Captain America Jacket"

4/06/2006 2:01 AM


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