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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

With Pals Like This...

Jimmy Olsen is unquestionably the best sidekick in the history of comics, but really: as best friends go? I think there's a little room for improvement here.

Case in point: Otto Binder and Curt Swan's "The 100 Pieces of Kryptonite," from Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #6.

Here's how it all goes down: Due to a recent meteor shower, there's an earthquake headed towards Metropolis, conveniently scheduled to hit at noon exactly. Nobody really feels like evacuating, since the impact of a meteor large enough to cause devastating earthquakes a hundred miles away registers as a minor inconvenience in a world of telepathic starfish from Outer Spaaaaace, so Superman volunteers to pitch in and help folks out during the earth-shattering tremors.

First, though, he's got to deal with one straggling meteor that's plummeting out of the sky, which he does by crashing into it at top speed. Admittedly, shattering a chunk of rock into a hundred fist-sized chunks and allowing it to fall randomly into the city at terminal velocity was probably not the best way to solve this particular problem, but to make matters worse, the whole thing's made of kryptonite, leaving Superman weakened and unable to stand, with the earthquake right around the corner.

Enter Jimmy Olsen, and his plan for Super-Salvation:

Jimmy's Master Plan: Build Superman a little fort out of car batteries. And on a personal note, this is the second time I've seen Jimmy protect Superman from kryptonite with a timely use of auto parts this week, so this sort of thing should be expected by now.

Anyway, this leaves Superman trapped in a battery warehouse and unable to help with the impending quake, leaving Jimmy responsible for gathering up all the kryptonite and disposing of it safeley. So Jimmy implements Phase Two:

He grabs a bullhorn and lets everyone in the city know that chunks of Kryptonite are freely available on the ground, making sure to point out that yes: it can kill Superman. I imagine it was like Christmas at Lex Luthor's house.

Anyway, surprising no one at all, a bunch of criminals gather up some kryptonite, but Jimmy's able to foil their sinister plan by dressing up as a hobo and hiding in a safe. It's complicated. Still, it does the job, and before long, Superman's back to helping Jimmy train for the big marble championship at super-speed.

But not before Jimmy uses Superman as a "human Geiger counter" to track down the last few chunks, giving him instructions to fly around aimlessly and radio in every time he feels the stabbing pain of deadly radiation.

Jimmy Olsen: At Least He Means Well.

More Fun With Mr. Action:

| Jimmy Olsen: Chick Magnet... Of The Future! |
| Hippie Olsen's Hate-In! |


Blogger Brandon Bragg said...

Great illustration of the dysfunctional relationship those two characters have.
Rick Jones or Snapper Carr could never get away with that shit. Olsen must have some kind of mutant luck power, like Longshot.

6/22/2006 2:45 AM

Blogger joncormier said...

Chris, I'll give you my Showcase book if you just sum up the stories for me. That way I won't feel my IQ lowering as I struggle with getting through an eight-page romp of Jimmy being a crooner king or the inventor of Rogaine.

6/22/2006 8:45 AM

Blogger Valkyrie said...

I'm not entirely sure Jimmy Olsen means well. Maybe he's getting back at Superman for being a dick.

6/22/2006 8:45 PM

Blogger Filthy McMonkey said...

'Radio in every time I feel the stabbing pain of radiation?!?!'

'I've got a better idea, Jimmy. Why don't you fly around with me and I'll just give your nuts a super-squeeze when I feel those stabbing pains you mentioned. You ass.'

6/22/2006 9:05 PM


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