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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

All Shall Be Revealed, Part Two!

The ISB Question-and-Answer Session crashes into Day Two!

See, because it's the Question, and the Answer, and... well, it sounded really funny twenty minutes ago.

Let's just get to it, shall we?

Martin Allen has two burning desires for knowledge:

[1] Some folks tell me that US comics are losing steady ground to Japanese titles, and that manga is the future of the industry. Does this mean that I'm going to have to get to like comics about 14-year-olds falling in love while their spooky younger siblings vomit up centipedes and turn into snails? Or is their another option?

There's always another option, Martin. In this case, the world of sequential art is just going to have to work out a compromise, and you'll have to learn to like comics about 14 year-olds falling in love while Spider-Man fights the Looter.

[2] In Union Jack #1, we got Batroc's Brigade. Then, UJ #2 upped the ante by bringing in Crossfire and his Death-Throws. Now, I'm racking my brain to think of who they could bring in next, should they want to continue this whole "B-list villains with D-list henchmen" angle. Seriously, is there a single band of badguys more awesomely lame than the goddamned Death-Throws? Wouldn't even the Ringmaster and the freaking Circus of Crime be a step up in quality right now?

Is it just me, or is Batroc the Leaper cropping up with alarming regularity in these questions? Regardless, I have a real soft spot for D-list villain teams--yes, even the Death-Throws, who are horrible--and while I'm almost certain that he's not going to crop up so soon after his appearance in Civil War: Young Avengers and Runaways, a concentrated super-terrorist strike on London wouldbe a perfect fit for this guy:

That's right: FLAG SMASHER and his Underground Liberated Totally Integrated Mobile Army To Unite Mankind! That guy's awesome.

Anonymous 3 has two questions, as well:

1. Do you watch "Heroes?"


2. If two superheroes were your parents, who would they be?

Power Man and Iron Fist.

The Amazon Queen of Planet Femnaz can't believe that nobody else asked...

What is the meaning of life?

According to 20th century philosopher O'Shea "Ice Cube" Jackson, "life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."

And for the record, that's how you stop getting linked on When Fangirls Attack.

TeamSmithy saunters over from DeviantArt to pose this query:

If you had a band in Scott Pilgrim what 16 bit game woud they be named after?

Megaman X. The band would be Chill Penguin, our debut album would be called "Get Equipped!", and my special move would be "Kicks That Can Kill Lions And Bears."

Phil (also known as Anonymous IV) was all like "You think you so hot, but me hot, me hot!":

1. Who could win in a game of Parcheesi between Ego the Living Planet and Mogo the living Green Lantern planet?

It's a well-known fact that Ego the Living Planet can't go two months without showing up and getting in a punch-out with the Avengers or the Fantastic Four or the Super-Skrull or somebody. Meanwhile, It's also been established that Mogo, on the other hand, does not socialize, and therefore has nothing to do in between visits from Jack T. Chance or that one Guardian who was a little girl but then started dressing like Vampirella or whatever, and probably killed a lot of boring eons by strategizing his way to victory in the Royal Game of India.

2. What's the deal with airline peanuts?

And who are the marketing geniuses who came up with this one?

Huh. That's weird, I got the strangest deja vu just now.

3. If he wanted to, could Batman win on American Idol?

Of course he could. He's Batman. If he can beat Dr. Destiny by humming Frere Jacques, he can certainly beat Reuben Studdard by singing it, and unless Simon Cowell wanted to find himself dangling twenty stories above Fifth Avenue, he'd agree.

Verilly doth Tom Foss seek mine answer:

I recently read your Shakespearean rendition of "Trapped in the Closet," and deemed it among the funniest things ever. So, will you transcribe the next chapter?

I actually get this question a lot, but I think that a big part of the joke for that one is just letting it stand on its own. Even so, I think it's one of my favorite things that I've ever written, and the temptation to go back to it is strong indeed.

And if not, how about other authors' versions of other works? I'd love to see the utter confusion of James Joyce's "Seven Soldiers #1."

Honestly? That's not a bad idea, and I should probably do it. I'm tempted to try out "Ernest Hemingway's Civil War," but I'm not sure if I could write an entire post without using a single comma.

And also find a way to work in bullfighting.

"P-TOR" demands accountability:

If you're so damned busy "working", why then, sir, have you been spotted reading AND COMMENTING on other blogs?

Belive it or not, P, leaving a comment on a blog with less than, say, six paragraphs takes significantly less time than you might be used to. It's that kind of amazing time management that allows me to comment over at Sterling's and spend a mind-boggling portion of my day in a bid to take over Bullworth Academy!

Tsukasa wants to know when he'll finally be able to pitch his Woodgod script:

How long before they run out of major super heros to make movies of and just start picking names out of a hat?

Allow me to answer your question in five words, bucky: "The Sci-Fi Channel Presents: Man-Thing!"

Christopher doesn't share my tastes in head-kickery:

Why do people like the Authority so much when the characters are two-dimensional, it doesn't address the implications of its premise, and the fight scenes are purfonctory and lacking in suspense?

Because at its heart, The Authority isn't about anything beyond its two-dimensional characters and their huge fights: It's comics boiled down to a giant, explosion-riddled Jerry Bruckheimer fight scene where everyone says something snappy and relatively tough, and then kicks someone so hard their brain flies out through the back of their head. It's goofy and astonishingly over-the-top, but for some of us, those aren't really drawbacks. Plus, Bryan Hitch and Frank Quitely draw real good.

I mean really, what's not to like?

Anonymous Mark 5 picks nits:

what does purfonctory mean?

Using the question above for context clues, I'd say that it means "awesome." Perfunctory, on the other hand, means "characterized by routine or superficiality."

Anonymous No. 6 (Who is not a number!) questions my taste:

why in the name of Warren Ellis do you own so many Tarot comics?

Because it is the single worst comic book being published today that is not completely pornographic, and as such, is absolutely hilarious. I take a lot of heat for it--and rightfully so--but my pal Scott and I have often talked about how if you're not reading the worst thing that's coming out, you're not really getting the whole picture.

In other words, every time I read it, it makes Watchmen just a little bit better.

PGR1974 am have two question:

1- Is Bizarro World the weirdest, most cricketron-berserking concept ever to be advanced by comics?

No, but it's close. That honor goes to BIZARRO COMPUTO, an imperfect duplicate of a murderous robot that the smartest person of the 30th Century somehow thought would be a good idea to unleash upon an unsuspecting world.

2- What would Bizarro Chris be like?

"Goodbye! Me am Bizarro-Chris! Me favorite minor Silver-Age character am LOVE FACE! Me hate punching and kicking, and think Jeffery Brown am making best comics ever! Me type short sentences and never comma splice! Hello!"

(Also, there was an issue of Y -- The Last Man featuring a minor character in a flashback who didn't like Die Hard, and was accused by her friends of "hating everything awesome." Someone later commented on the ISB about her, claiming that she was the Bizarro Chris, and I thought that was pretty hilarious.)

Phil "The Thrill" Looney bites my style while asking...

OMAC had to form a team of heroes to fight an unspeakable eveil - who would make up this new Justice League?

The Big Seven, of course: OMAC, Etrigan the Demon, Orion, Nemesis, Firestorm, Blue Devil, and--of course--HATE FACE.

Man. That would be the worst comic book ever. Or would it be THE BEST?!

Libby By Debs reaches out from the cold wasteland of the North to wonder...

Have you seen the Sword of Doom YET?

No! But I did get Seven Samurai, Yojimbo, and Sanjuro--Criterion Collection DVDs, mind you--for a grand total of $35 a couple of weeks ago.

Andrew is facing depression, and mistakenly turns to me for help:

I've been reading your blog for months now, and I don't actually read any comics.

How lame does that make me?

Believe it or not, Andrew, I've seen a lot of people who write nice things about me on other websites (and yes, I am keeping track, for I am vain and terrible) mention that they view me as something like a personal reader who knocks out, say Essential Savage She-Hulk and writes about the best parts so that they don't have to, and it's actually really nice to be thought of as being that accessible.

I'm not exactly sure how I got that reputation, considering that as far as obscure references go, I've made jokes about a character that appeared in one panel of a Legion of Super-Heroes story forty years ago twice in this very post, but still, it's nice.

Ryan O seems to be planning the Heist of the Century:

is the springfield monorail faster than the flash?

No. But it does have a better theme song.

Johnny missed out on "The Talk," and inexplicably turned to the Comics Blogger Internet for the scoop:

where do babies come from?


The Keet invites me to bare my soul:

Tell me about your emotions; what are you feeling right now?

Right now? Kind of tired, slightly hungry, and like I have 25-odd comics I want to read before I end up falling asleep.

So, I think I'm going to go do just that. But don't worry! I'll wrap it all up Friday as I take on the final questions and determine who will be recieving an envelope full of awesome on their very doorstep!

And be here Tomorrow Night (well, let's be honest: Friday Morning) as the ISB takes on yet another mind-boggling stack of comics as the Week In Ink returns!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, but Hate Face IS accessible as as I've been reading long enough to have a clue who you're talking about.

Also, I kinda' lied. I picked up Spiderman loves Mary Jane on your recommendation, because I too, am a twelve year old girl.

11/09/2006 1:57 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should watch Heroes. You'd like the Japanese guy, who is of course named Hiro. He's read almost as many comics as you have. (Oh, and he can control time and space.)

11/09/2006 3:04 AM

Blogger SmoothJimmyApollo said...

If Phil "The Thrill" Looney is in fact biting your style, you are allowed, nay, required to go after him in a humorless skit that defines him as a "shark nigga." If he in fact continues to bite your style, you have every right to explain to him that you don't want niggas sounding like you, on no blog-post.

11/09/2006 3:33 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that Hate Face is actualy the fruit of Power Man and Iron Fist's loins, he was bred in a lab from their seed in a diabo-...

... no thats going nowhere.

Can someone post a picture of Thor showing Billy Batson what fucking time it is though?

11/09/2006 5:43 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, if Power Man and Iron Fist had a baby that kid would destroy the uterus instantly upon conception and then bad-talk its mama.

Ps: I have an email address if I happen to win the awesome. Don't deny my love.

11/09/2006 7:55 AM

Blogger Edward Liu said...

IMO, you should not watch "Heroes." It is Exhibit A in what Dwayne McDuffie was talking about when he said, Very often in comics when people say they want things to be more realistic, they take all the humor out."

And in an interesting segue from that, don't forget that Batman sang that great version of "Am I Blue?" in that weird-ass "This Little Piggy" episode of JLU when Dwayne McD was the head writer.

11/09/2006 10:31 AM

Blogger Steven said...

Someone later commented on the ISB about her, claiming that she was the Bizarro Chris, and I thought that was pretty hilarious

Look at that, I'm "someone"! Thanks!

11/09/2006 11:01 AM

Blogger Aaron said...

Flag Smasher looks an awful lot like a hells of pissed off Space Ghost there.

11/09/2006 11:31 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

No humor in Heroes? See the aforementioned Hiro.

And ditto on the Space ghost.

11/09/2006 11:49 AM

Blogger Sam Hurwitt said...

Damn, and here I thought life wasn't nothing but peaches and honey.

11/09/2006 12:41 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Please, I glide regally.

11/09/2006 1:33 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where from is that cover? It features both Spider-man and the Question.


11/09/2006 2:15 PM

Blogger Phil Looney said...

If Phil "The Thrill" Looney is in fact biting your style, you are allowed, nay, required to go after him in a humorless skit that defines him as a "shark nigga." If he in fact continues to bite your style, you have every right to explain to him that you don't want niggas sounding like you, on no blog-post.

I maintain that Chris bit my style first.

Why do I keep posting on people's blogs? All I catch is flack.

11/09/2006 5:43 PM

Blogger Elliot said...

The Big Seven, of course: OMAC, Etrigan the Demon, Orion, Nemesis, Firestorm, Blue Devil, and--of course--HATE FACE.

I can see it now.

First, Nemesis spends six months undercover, gathering info, meticulously putting the facts together to make a case.

Next OMAC, Etrigan and Orion get into an Authority-style head kicking contest with all the suspects, while Firestorm and Blue Devil roll around laughing at Nemesis.

Then, after everything is busted, Hate Face cheers up Nemesis by telling him, "It could be worse, you could look like...HATE FACE!!!!" and they'd all laugh and laugh.

11/09/2006 6:04 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

Er, sorry, Steven. I remembered the comment vividly, but couldn't remember who said it, and to be honest, I didn't feel like looking it up to see.

I'm a bad comics blogger like that.

11/09/2006 8:45 PM

Blogger Randall Kirby said...

If OMAC is on a team, then he's no longer OMAC.

11/09/2006 10:52 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

No, that's the beauty of it: He's still OMAC, and the team he's on features six super-heroes and a ONE MAN ARMY CORPS.

11/09/2006 11:44 PM

Blogger John said...

I am so adding "Allow me to pitch my Woodgod" into my mad dating flow vocab.

11/10/2006 3:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris doesn't have time to watch Heroes. He has to spend all his free time (and by free time that means time not spent reading comics, writing about comics, thinking about comics, playing video games he wishes were comics, singing karaoke and sleeping) searching out a copy of Sword of Doom so that he can watch it one day and thereby forever eliminate the risk of being totally lame. Seven Samurai? Yojimbo? That's so mainstream. Where's your edge gone? Next you'll be saying you read some Stephen King so you're all up in the horror hizzouse. Unless it's all part of some dastardly plan to annoy me to the point where I find it for you, come down there, duct tape you to a chair and make you watch it. Which would be in direct contravention to my resolution to try to limit the number of duct taping episodes in my life. That's it, isn't it? You're just trying to break my resolve...

11/10/2006 5:01 PM


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