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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

All Shall Be Revealed, Part One!

And we're back.

Yes, as of tonight, the ISB careens towards a bold new era of greatness by (theoretically, at least) returning to its daily update schedule, and if I've learned one thing over this past weekend, it's that you guys will totally leave me alone when I slack off if I offer to give you something for free. In fact, this whole thing's gone over so well that instead of going back to comic book reviews and monkey-based content, I'm going to go ahead and just switch to all Q&A all the time.


Nah, just foolin'. Honestly, though, much like what happened with the open call for votes during Badass Week, I really didn't expect to get as many questions as I did, so instead of answering them all tonight, I'm going to spread this one out over the next few posts (announcing the contest winner by the end of the week), with the return of The Week In Ink on Thursday night.

Now let's get to it!

Kevin Church started things off by asking...

Tigra or Cheetara?

For those of you not in the know, Kevin's referring to this pair of alleged "smouldering feline temptresses":

And I assure you, that's as far as I'm ever going to go into the grim and cheerless corner of the internet that belongs to "the furry."

Anyway, seeing as how this was the first question asked, I've had a lot of time to ponder it, which helped to circumvent the minor complcations that (a) I have exactly one comic book featuring Tigra (West Coast Avengers #46, the first appearance of the GLA), where her major contribution consists of going feral, eating a mouse, and getting bitchslapped by US Agent; and (b), I haven't had any particular interest in the Thundercats in roughly seventeen years.

Even with that, though, the answer is obvious: Tigra. Because at the very least, she used to be a person, whereas Cheetara's always been... some sort of space-cheetah-lady. And also, Tigra doesn't look like she's wearing Paul Stanley's makeup. Next!

Fiendenstein begs the question...

Beta Ray Bill is an alien, a cyborg, and an 80's Icon....but why does he have a skeletal horses face?

I'm not really sure, although it does prove that Space Horses are way cooler than Space Cheetahs.

Anonymous, who expects to win the contest despite the fact that I have no way of contacting him or her, sends this missive:

I have a two-part question:

1) Did you see that Spider-Man where he hits the Juggernaut with a tanker truck full of gasoline and blows up a neighborhood in the middle of Manhattan?

You mean this?

2) Didn't that f@(#*$&g ROCK?!?!

F@(# YEAH IT DID! Seriously, the two-part Juggernaut story in Amazing Spider-Man #229-230 is not just one one of the single greatest Spider-Man stories ever printed, but one of the Greatest Comics of All Time. I read it when I was a kid and it blew my mind, and when I was 18, I picked up the "Backpack Marvels" version of Murder By Spider--a well-printed black-and-white digest size trade that sold for $6.95 and was one of the best ideas Marvel ever had--and it had the same effect on me then. Man, that thing is excellent.

Dave Lartigue, which rhymes with "intrigue," not "Montague," apparently, asks:

Could Lockjaw clamp down on Mjolnir hard enough to prevent it returning to Thor?

Even the powers of the Terrigen Mists are no match for the enchantments set upon that Uru Mallet by Odin Himself, Dave.

Shakasulu demands to know...

Have you ever seen the live action Cromartie High School movie? If so will you ever review it...in this very blog?

I really, really want to, but no, I haven't. Kevin did, though.

Earth-2 Leigh asks...

If ASBAR and Trials of Shazam are both hilariously 'gritty' and over-the-top, does it matter if only one of them is supposed to be funny?

No. But I will say this: What little I read of Trials of Shazam is pretty close to being the opposite of fun. It brings me down.

It brings me down hard.

LurkerWithout, having gained access to my highly specialized knowledge, asks the question that everyone really wants to know:

Greatest kick to the face? Ever?

I have to admit, this one stumped me for like two days, as I went over every great kick to the face that I could think of, and for me, that's a lot of thinking. Then, in a flash, the answer came to me, and it was so obvious that if it was possible, I would've kicked myself in the face for not thinking of it immediately.

Greatest Kick to the Face ever? This one:

(Image blatantly stolen from The Karate Kid Website)

And a nation rejoiced.

Ben, who is actually a chef, cooked this one up:

Fact: The Punisher does not appear in Marvel: Ultimate Alliance for PS2.
Question: Why does God hate me?

You know, omitting the Punisher, whose major accomplishments tend to revolve around shooting someone in the face rather than, say, battling the Super-Skrull or whatever, does seem like it makes sense on the surface.

Of course, that's before you read What If v.2 #24, wherein an army of vampire mutants takes over New York and kills pretty much everyone, prompting the ghost of Dr. Strange to exclaim "I should have known that if there was one man left alive... it would be him!" before passing on his Cloak of Levitation and trying to get him to read the Montesi Formula. But to get back to your question, I suspect that as a Twins fan, you already know the answer.

...Holy crap, was that a sports joke?! Moving on!

Anonymous 2 asks this question, which was later answered accurately by Julian:

You know those encounters Wolverine has with Punisher that never end in a satisfying way (they mutilate each other then shake hands or something) well, I remember that once in a special they both fight and then wolverine finds out the punisher has a bag full Playgirl-esque magazines and then scoots off in embarrassment. Please tell me this comic exists (I think its mid 90's) so my soul can go to that better place in peace.

They do indeed, and brother, are they a chore to read. Don't get me wrong, I like a lighthearted poke at a character as much as the next guy, but Garth Ennis's constant potshots at Marvel Universe characters (even when they were done reasonably well, like in "Confederacy of Dunces") are pretty tiresome, and the Wolverine issues were the worst of the lot. I think Frank Tieri's response is actually better-written (and, if memory serves, features Terry Dodson art), but comes off as extremely childish and goofy.

Which was probably the intent, but still.

TheDeadPenguin goes with an ol' comic shop timewaster standby and asks...

If Didio and Quesada each said "Pick any property we've got and you're the new writer for it", what would you pick?

For Marvel, it's easy: Marvel Two-In-One, featuring the Thing and a special guest beating the living hell out of somebody Mantlo-style for 22 pages every month. #1 would feature Spider-Man, #2 would have Union Jack, and for #3? BATROC ZE LEAPAIR. It'd probably get cancelled shortly thereafter.

For some reason, DC's a little harder to figure, but I've always wanted to do Suicide Squad with Cameron Chase, Nemesis, and Wild Dog in central roles.

Gordon asks..


Why isn't there more punching in comics?


You're not reading the right comics.

GQ's already started whining:

Why didn't you pick me as the winner of your contest?

That defeatist attitude, mister!

Jim is apparently to arrange a nuclear accident for me, and needs a few specifics:

If you were bonded to a disembodied head that only you could see and talk to, who would you want as your Prof. Stein?

This one's tricky. Do you go for someone who's pleasing to look at, since you're going to have to deal with their giant, translucent face obscuring your vision, or do you try for someone who offers sage advice?

Either way, I'm going with Space Lincoln.

The Mutt offers this query:

Who is the most famous and popular superhero that you personally feel is a waste of space?

Gambit. Lord, how I hate Gambit.

Cath requests a stick figure of a squirrel and offers this in return:

Who does a girl have to screw to get a free comic around here?

Well, it's not really a requirement, but it certainly couldn't hurt! Why do you guys think I've got my email address right in the sidebar?

Jacob Munford dreams of unity, but not the Valiant kind:

Can Batman and Luke Cage coexist in the same world? And if so, what happens when they run out of thugs to brutally wreck and then sass?

They could indeed, in a world that philosophers have termed "Awesome Heaven." It's like regular heaven, but with way more awesome, where the one-liners are always snappy and there are always miscreants that require a sustained and brutal beating. Live right, take your vitamins, and you might even see it yourself one day, sport.

Kevin wants to know...

Deathmatch between Robert Kanigher, Bob Haney and Bill Mantlo. Who would win and what spectacularly crazy thing would they do to win?

Truly, that is a battle to shake the heavens, and would involve no fewer than eighteen wisecracking robots, some of whom would also be gorillas. But I'm going to go ahead and go with Bob Haney, who would use a guitar the size of Vermont with laser-strings to set up atomic death-ray vibrations from the comfort of a Cadmium bunker, using voice-controls encoded to respond to phrases like "Cool it, Sapph, baby!" and "Eyeball this goofy-footing hot-dogger, Buster Brown!"

Cheeseburger hedges his bets with a three-part question:

Question the first: How much money do you spend on comics in the run of a month? I bet it's way more than any other bill you have.

You're right, although I do get a pretty hefty employee discount. Lately it seems like I've been getting around twenty or twenty-five comics a week, and that works out to a retail value of $300 a month on singles alone, before adding in the various trades and such that I also get. I really, really ought to cut down.

Question the second: Since you buy so many comics, where do you put them? Do you have a Scrooge McDuck like Comic Bank where you can go swimming in 4 color newsprint? a vault-like cavern where a large robotic arm can retrive any back issue in seconds? or do you just leave them around the house and find other uses for them like propping up tables, convenient sources of kindling, or increasing your fiber intake?

I'm actually holding off on the vault until I've acquired the full three cubic acres worth of back issues, by which time I'm sure Modern Science will have circumvented the papercut situation. Until then, I store them in short boxes, divided up into my main collection (things I've purchased as new comics, 18 boxes), my secondary collection (runs I've put together of back issues, like Justice League International or Suicide Squad, 8 boxes), stuff that I haven't got around to sorting yet (3 boxes), and things that I've pretty much bought and read just to post here on the ISB (three boxes right next to the computer).

Question the third: what smells worse: Tony Stark after flying around in a 100+lbs suit of armour all day (pre-climate controlled suit), the Batcave with its tons and tons of guano, or Venom's breath?

The Batcave, as we all know, is well-ventilated, and I suspect that the sheer amount of alcohol being sweated out through Tony Stark's pores back in the day would've provided some kind of disinfectant, so I'm going to go ahead and go with the alien made of tar that drools a lot.

Michael has a request:

Do you have any plans to review Captain America #350? I've probably mentioned it to you before, but trust me, it's one of the greatest, over the top Cap stroies done by the Gruenwald.

Believe it or not, it still hasn't come in at the store. I'm keeping my eyes open, though.

The Inimitable Brandon Bragg gives me choices:

Super-expensive Dr. Doom replica costume, jetpack and laser pistol included?
Lifesize remote-controlled Devil Dinosaur that you could ride around on?

Just so I'm clear on this, Brandon, you're asking me if I'd rather pretend to be the absolute monarch of Latveria, whose genius has conquered spacetime itself and stolen the Power Cosmic from the Silver Surfer... or Moon Boy.

I think the choice is clear, pal.

Norrin2 goes for the easy gag:

If the original Green Lantern was powerless against wood, how did he handle unwanted erections?

By picturing the Atom, who wears what would stand as the most unflattering costume of the entire Golden Age.

Shane Bailey, meanwhile, is locked in for MULTI-BALL!

1!)If you could make up the ultimate super team from any universe (comic, movie, whatever) who would you pick, why, and what would the team name be?

I already did this one! The Ultimate Super-Team, is, of course, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, John F. Kennedy, and The Vengeful Spirit of William Henry Harrison, who--along with time traveling Ben Franklin--form the pilots of democracy's most awesome giant robot defender, THE PRESITRON. Their mission? Destroy Dave Campbell.

2!)Is Quick Kick your favorite G.I. Joe? I thought he might be because of all the kicking.

My favorite G.I. Joe, of course, is Snake Eyes. Anyone who says their favorite G.I. Joe is not Snake Eyes is a filthy, filthy liar and is not to be trusted.

Least favorite? Shipwreck.

3!)In an unnoficial Marvel/DC crossover could Thor control Shazam's transformative lighting causing himself to be endowed with the powers of Shazam?

I think he could control it through sheer force of will (which would be awesome), but I don't think he'd be able to take the powers for himself, as he comes from an incompatable pantheon.

4!)What's better, a punch or kick to the face?

Kicking to the face is a beautiful thing, Shane... But there's nothing better than a good solid punch to the jaw.

5!)Who is "The Man" and why does he deserve the title?

YOU'RE the Man, Shane! Unless you mean the sinister corporate master who oppresses minorities and keeps us all down. In which case, as you might expect, Dave Campbell is the Man.

Flip Fantasia is a new challenger!

If you could only do one once in your entire life, which would you choose: Dragon Punch or Flash Kick?

No question: Dragon Punch.

Mark Hale, whose blog is updated seasonally, asks...

Who would win in a fight, the Hulk or the overpowering sense of dread that Rob Liefeld could be hired to draw your favorite series?

Hulk smash existential dread and Puny Small Foot Man! Hulk disconcerted and confused by poor grasp on anatomy and amazing lack of artistic development! HULK HATE SHATTERSTAR!

Randall Kirby dusts off an old chestnut:

What IS the deal with airline food?

And who are the marketing geniuses who came up with this one?

Lorene takes time out from scanning banned EC Comics covers to ask...

But what are your thoughts on yaoi?

I actually have a post on this very subject coming up sometime in the near future. Suffice to say, it invovles a book featuring a character named "Prince Anel," and while I can read about Baron Von Evilstein all day long, I have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to a lack of subtlety.

Tristan wants to know...

Why the eff is Blade in Ultimate Alliance?

I think the better question is, "Why isn't the Punisher?" See above.

Jeremy Tobin shocks Mavis Beacon with his egregious typo:

Who is more ridiculous, B'Wana Beast or Batroc the Leaper?

I can only assume that by "ridiculous," you actually meant awesome. And as it so often is in this crazy world of ours, the answer is Batroc.

Hey, it's Dave Campbell! Whatcha got for me, Dave?

Space Cruiser Yamato vs Darth Vader's Super Star Destroyer Executor: who ya got?

I actually had no idea what Space Cruiser Yamato was before a cursory Google search, and thought that you were asking about the Yamato Cruisers from StarCraft. Even so, I've completely denounced Star Wars and all of its bastard children, and will therefore be supporting Space Cruiser Yamato in this battle.

Or maybe Airwolf.

And that's all I've got for tonight! Hopefully, that wasn't too much of a chore to read, and once again, thanks everybody who took the time to ask a question, and don't worry, I'll get through them all eventually.

Tomorrow: More Answers!


Anonymous Patrick said...

"A chore to read"?

Chris, I had to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon to keep from being blinded by all the awesome. In fact, I'm dictating this comment to a trained otter typist named Mr. Peeples.

Of course it wasn't a chore to read. Jesus, man.

11/08/2006 2:43 AM

Anonymous Fiendenstein said...

Welcome back with some truly awesome and worth the wait responses.

I now see Cheetara in a different light

11/08/2006 2:50 AM

Blogger LurkerWithout said...

If the original Green Lantern was powerless against wood, how did he handle unwanted erections?

By picturing the Atom, who wears what would stand as the most unflattering costume of the entire Golden Age.

In an era that includes Johnny Thunder, Invisible Hood and Ma Hunkle; Al should barely be in the running for terrible choice in costumes...

11/08/2006 4:25 AM

Blogger Nimbus said...

Tigra or Cheetara?

Actually, I thought Kevin meant the Tigra that was the team mate of Cheetara. You know, the tiger-guy with the whip. Ah, it's been a long time since I saw that show (good, innocent times that they were).

And I have to agree with Patrick - no way was it a chore to read. Unless by "chore" you mean highly entertaining.

11/08/2006 5:02 AM

Blogger Action Ranger Timmy said...

Anyone who says their favorite G.I. Joe is not Snake Eyes is a filthy, filthy liar and is not to be trusted.

I liked Snake Eyes until 2000 when I watched the cartoon again and discovered Footloose, the hippy that had an existential crisis and decided he should join the army.

I also have a fondness of Tunnel Rat for being the only Asian in the GI Joe mythos who isn't defined by being a martial artist.

11/08/2006 7:34 AM

Anonymous Danicus said...

As far as the Joes go, Snake Eyes is pretty much the only answer when you're young. However, my favorite G.I. Joe is Beach Head. Despite having an extremely hilarious code name (the only one funnier is Snow Job) He's a badass through and through. You gotta love Drill Sgts.

11/08/2006 8:44 AM

Blogger Derek B. Haas said...

The greatest GI Joe ever is T'Jbang.


11/08/2006 9:06 AM

Blogger SallyP said...

Aw, c'mon Chris. Everyone knows that Tomax and Xamot are the best. Oh, and welcome back.

11/08/2006 10:48 AM

Blogger Chud said...

First of all, wasn't Tunnel Rat a latino? I haven't watched the movie in a while, but I totally thought he was...

Second of all, I'm not a huge fan of Snake Eyes, but I do love his evil best friend/blood brother/arch-nemesis Storm Shadow.

First of all, he followed the cardinal rule of being an opposite number: His costume was almost exactly the same as Snake Eyes, only he had the opposite colour scheme!

Second of all, it was always vaguely hinted that he was going to kill Cobra Commander. Once he was done being his bodyguard.


Storm Shadow is the bomb.

11/08/2006 12:05 PM

Blogger Chud said...

haha, wow.... I definitely just posted "first of all" and "second of all" about four times....

Word Verification: lqucum

11/08/2006 12:08 PM

Anonymous SanctumSanctorumComix said...

I see that ANY time and effort that I have spent or might yet spend in the pursuit of higher knowledge will be utterly WASTED, when all I need do is log onto the ISB and soak up the WISDOM.

I would think that with all his sage and benevolent (read: not in ANY way insane, maniacal or dangerous to himself or others) mental powers, he should be more smarterer than the Solomon-part of Capt. Marvel.

If Chris has his own unique "blend" of Kool-Aid™, pass me the first Dixie™ cup.

Hey!! Is this PEE?!?


11/08/2006 12:26 PM

Blogger Steven said...

I think he could control it through sheer force of will (which would be awesome), but I don't think he'd be able to take the powers for himself, as he comes from an incompatable pantheon.

Thor does exactly that in DC vs. Marvel #2. He diverts the Shazam lightning from hitting Billy Batson then punches the defenseless 10 year old boy in the face. But instead of getting the Power of Shazam, Thor loses Mjolnir to Wonder Woman.

11/08/2006 1:11 PM

Blogger idiolect said...

Now I just wanna see Mjolnir flying back to Thor with Lockjaw clamped on tight to it.

And y'all do know that Thor has controlled Captain Marvel's magic lightning, right? In Marvel Versus DC#2 he totally cockblocked Billy Batson from changing into the Big Red Cheese, culminating in the awesome magic-lighning-feedback sound effect, "SHAZAAK!"

11/08/2006 1:15 PM

Anonymous Dan Coyle said...

Well, the Punisher uses guns, but so do Blade and Deadpool, and they're both trying to stop Super-Skrull with bullets in Ultimate Alliance.

BTW, playing as Blade and/or Deadpool in those games? Fucking awesome.

I'll go for Tigra, since when she switches back to Greer Garson, she still looks cute. Two hotties for the price of one!

11/08/2006 1:39 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

>>He diverts the Shazam lightning from hitting Billy Batson then punches the defenseless 10 year old boy in the face.<<

E'en thus rolleth Thor, suckas!

11/08/2006 2:12 PM

Anonymous Scott said...

Can Batman and Luke Cage coexist in the same world? And if so, what happens when they run out of thugs to brutally wreck and then sass?

How could you forget Mike Sterling's awesome Batman/Luke Cage "fanfic" in Progressive Ruin's 1000th post special?

11/08/2006 2:25 PM

Anonymous JR said...

There was actually a Playboy pictorial of women made up in Paul Stanley (along with the other members of Kiss)'s make-up a few years back. Proving once again that there's a fetish for EVERYTHING.

And my favorite G.I. Joe was Sgt. Slaughter.

11/08/2006 2:48 PM

Anonymous jayunderscorezero said...

Of course, Batman and Luke Cage do exist in the same universe in the pages of DC vs Marvel. However, this is also a comic book that features both Nightwing and Gambit. Not only that, but they are featured together in the same panel. Freakin' yikes!

And it turns out there was even a trading card to mark the occassion. I mean for the love of...


11/08/2006 3:23 PM

Blogger Ben said...

In Ultimate Alliance Deadpool, Blad and Nick Fury can all shoot Doom-Bots in the face. I just felt it stood to reason I should be able to control the pre-eminent face-shooter himself.

11/08/2006 3:23 PM

Blogger blake said...

The reason there's no Punisher in UA is the same reason there's no Hulk, that the video game rights were already sold off to make their video games. Sucks indeed.

For the record, Hulk: Ultimate Destruction is a bale-load of fun, and the Punisher movie tie-in game is alright.ilgg

11/08/2006 4:20 PM

Blogger Winterteeth said...

Whither Snowjob in our musings on best G.I. Joe?

11/08/2006 5:36 PM

Anonymous Looter said...

I think you owe it to yourself to check out the Englehart and Byrne issues of West Coast Avengers. Seriously.

11/08/2006 8:56 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What little I read of Trials of Shazam is pretty close to being the opposite of fun.

Indeed. People radically, radically unclear on the concept of the character they're writing.

11/08/2006 11:04 PM

Blogger Action Ranger Timmy said...

Tunnel Rat is a Chinese-American from Brooklyn.

11/09/2006 1:59 AM

Anonymous Fiendenstein said...

The Zartan action figure used to change colours, making him Commodore Awesome in my book.

11/09/2006 5:40 AM

Anonymous Jon Hex said...

I loved the issue of What If up till Wolverine killed Punisher. I didn't want redemption, I wanted punishment!

11/09/2006 9:37 PM

Blogger Luzaire said...

5!)Who is "The Man" and why does he deserve the title?

YOU'RE the Man, Shane! Unless you mean the sinister corporate master who oppresses minorities and keeps us all down. In which case, as you might expect, Dave Campbell is the Man.

Wrong. Ric Flair is the man. I'm so disappointed in you Chris.

4/21/2008 3:59 PM


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