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Saturday, June 04, 2005

I Don't Feel So Good

My throat hurts, I've got a wicked Red-Bull induced caffeine headache, my stomach's sore, and there are some stray cats around my house that I'm fairly sure are plotting against me.

Long story short: I don't feel well.

But rather than let my illness stop the ISB from approaching total internet domination, I'm going to do like Blade says and use it to bring you tonight's topic: The top five diseases in comics.

I'm not counting real-world maladies in this one. I mean as far as diseases go, Cancer's pretty tough as it is without throwing Ronnie Raymond, Deadpool and Mar-Vell in the mix.

5. The Legacy Virus
If you were reading X-Men comics in the '90s, chances are you've got at least a passing familiarity with the Legacy virus. And if you weren't, well, aren't you lucky. Basically the Legacy virus killed a bunch of mutants, which I guess was a bad thing since it never got around to offing Marrow or Gambit. It's probably one of the most recognizeable diseases to originate in comics, but unfortunately it involves both Cable and Stryfe. Downgrade.

However, it was cured when Collossus sacrificed his own life for the betterment of others, but he's back now and that probably makes Kitty Pryde feel weird about all that sex she had with Pete Wisdom. Upgrade!

4. I-Life
I'm not sure if these little guys count as a disease since they have arms, legs, a giant eye, and civilization, but considering that they're also microbes that go into a human body and change things around for their own purposes, I'm wiling to let it pass. Created by a scientist as a way to befriend diseases and convince them to stop being such jerks, the I-Life have the misfortune of running into Spartacus Hughes and end up having to hijack a woman named Sharon Jones to make her a "bio-ship" while at the same time freeing her from the control of the World's Richest Pervert.

Grant Morrison rules.

3. That Cold Peter Parker Had That One Time
Yeah, that's how lame the Legacy Virus is. It got beaten in the rankings by the common cold. Now while the cold is a real-world ailment, I can guarantee that no cold you've ever had has resulted in getting two chicks at once.

See, it's Valentine's Day, and Peter's accidentally made dates with two super-hot Daily Bugle staffers. And, being that he's Peter Parker and has the worst life ever, he can't keep his date because he's busy getting blown up by the Vulture and laying in a snow-covered trash-heap all day, and that's bound to lead to illness. So the girls get mad, Peter trades his Spider-Man costume for a bum's coat and scarf, and gets home just in time to deal with two angry ladies. Fortunately he's hallucinating by this point, and the ladies like that sort of thing. In your FACE, Flash Thompson!

2. The Clench
Let's face it, folks. I don't care how cheap the rent is, nobody should live in Gotham City. I mean, after two plagues, an earthquake, and Jeph Loeb, you'd think people would get the hint and move to somewhere that didn't have red skies. But alas, they didn't get the hint. Not even when the Clench swept through.

An offshoot of Ebola that was engineered by Racer Cool to screw up Batman's Tuesday, the Clench killed a ton of people who have never starred in their own comic. It was tragic, I assure you. Now while it's otherwise unremarkable, the Clench does have the distinction of being the only disease cured by Batman. Which means that a man who occasionally has trouble with this guy's word problems cured ebola. There's hope for everyone!

1. The Hourman Virus
Released into the year 1998 as part of Solaris the Tyrant Sun's plot to destroy the past from the 853rd Century, the Hourman Virus is the best disease in comics. Maybe it's because it's a semi-sentient techno-organic virus from eighty thousand years in the future that just seems to screw up the Internet and make you really mad for a while, or maybe it's because it gave the Atom an excuse to make double-entendres about Oracle's lymph nodes, but I think it's probably another reason.

It's probably because it was created by Grant Morrison, and that guy's cooler than anyone you'll ever meet in your entire life. It's a fact!


Blogger Phil Looney said...

One of the best columns you've written so far. I'd like to see more stuff like this.

6/05/2005 2:41 PM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

Really? Except for the joke about Pete Wisdom, I thought this thing was pure phone-it-in filler... Glad you liked it, though, Phil.

6/05/2005 6:53 PM

Blogger Mark W. Hale said...

"The Clench" sounds less to me like Ebola and more like severe diarrhea. Or at LEAST an intestinal problem.

6/07/2005 12:53 AM

Blogger Jacob T. Levy said...

Oh, come on-- the Legacy Virus was nowhere near as cool as the techno-organic virus that Warlock's race could infect people with.

There was also the "mysterious brain fever" that pre-Crisis Ma and Pa Kent died of; and the pre-Crisis Kryptonian Scarlet Jungle Fever.

9/27/2005 9:50 PM


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