Into the Subtle Realms

Not to Lovecraft it up too much, but last night I finally finished my first game of Arkham Horror, playing with Brandon against dead Cthulhu himself. Brandon was, unfortunately, both lost in time and space and devoured, and I was forced to take a shotgun to ol' Squidface all by my lonesome, but what's important is that I won.

Needless to say, I had strange dreams.

Thanks to Scott, dreams are often a topic of discussion around the shop, and the one I had last night strikes me as odd for a number of reasons.

Now it's not as outright weird as the one I had where I was getting married to a hot vampire girl, and her family was causing such a ruckus at the reception that I stomped across their table and threatened to "go Christmas in here." And it didn't leave me with the same feeling of terror as that one where I had to wrestle Triple H for the WWE Championship in the first WresleMania to be broadcast live from the surface of the Moon, but still. It was bizarre.

The whole thing started with a recurring dream that I have where I'm trying to get through a city. It's not like a real city, but more like one from a video game, just a few streets that are laid out to make getting from Point A to Point B a little harder than usual.

Anyway, the problem here is that school just got out and the streets are filled with students. But these aren't normal students, they're from some kind of crazy Rock 'n' Roll School! So I'm trying to get through a videogame city crowded with teenagers who look like they just stepped out of a music video.

The recurring part ends when I finally get to my destination, which turns out to be a buffet-style restaurant. You know, like your Ryan's or your Fire Mountain or what have you. But this one is frigg'n massive.

So I wander around the place for a while until I spot TV's Tom Bergeron.

Yeah, I know. I was surprised to see the former host of Hollywood Squares show up in my dream, too.

So I walk over to him and start talking about how I really enjoyed his work when he was on FX in 1994, hosting all of the network's original programming. And he starts acting like a total dick. I distinctly remember thinking that I might've called him "Tom Beringer" by accident, because that was the only thing I could think of for how rude he was being.

Then he started talking about how he had just gotten over leukemia, and I didn't know what to say so I just said that at least he had nice hair.

"This?" he said, grabbing at his hair and starting to peel it off of his head. "It's fake. A fuckin' hairpiece."

He smoothed it back out and I thanked him for his time and left.

[Note: To my knowledge, Tom Bergeron is neither bald, nor has he ever been afflicted with leukemia.]

So while I'm walking around, I pass the dessert tray, and I see the most awesome thing ever: A Rice Krispie Treat made with M&Ms inside that had an entire slice of cheesecake on top, topped with whipped cream.

It was amazing. If anybody ever actually makes it, I request that it be called a Sims.

I grabbed it and then walked over to where my mother, her boyfriend, and my ex-girlfriend Melanie are eating, but I can't sit down because TOM BERGERON IS IN MY SEAT! And not only that, but he's laughing it up with everyone and having a great time until he spots me and goes immediately cold.

Why do you vex me in my sleep, Tom Bergeron?