Special Guest Update: Tales from the Gulag

Sims here. I'm wiped out by the 111-degree heat from today, so please enjoy the following guest update from the irascable, inimitable, unstoppable B. Flake. He gives a fresh perspective on those customers who camp out in the gameroom on Saturday saying things like: "Tyranids rock, man," and "crap, he's out of command, I need to rally." They're a special breed.

And yes. There's an appearance by the cap'n. Read on, Macduff.

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Hello, friends. I’m B. Flake. You may remember me from previous ISB entries, where I’m noted for such quotes as "Your mom," "Sims is gay," and "Rob, you stupid Jap" [Ed. Note: This is true, but it's a term of endearment. Everyone else just gets called "you queer"]. So a few days ago Sims and I were up at the shop and Sims says to me, "You know Flake you should write a guest entry for my blog."

I was like, "Yeah sure, but what topic?"

"What else? The Cap'n."


Eerily Lifelike Artist's Rendering by J. Martinez 

That guy's always a reccurring topic of interest at the store, but for some reason The Cap’n, as I’ve taken to calling him, has managed to not piss me off in the last few weeks. So this entry has (d?)evolved into a series of short stories detailing the adventures of myself and usually Mr. Benjamin Burnside, badamaduese extraordinaire, in the Wizards and Villains game room. You’ll have to forgive me because it’s been some time since I did any writing and I’m actually interested in this little project, so it may become a little long-winded.

1. Freeloader Kid and the Gimmie Gimmies

This story is set in the time approximately two to three years ago when I played two card games called War Cry and Warlord. I had been playing these games for the majority of the day and doing pretty well. It was early, and Ben and I were just sitting down for a game when this kid walks up to us and says, "Hey you guys got any cards you wanna trade?"

Ben says, "For what game?"

The kid replies, "Oh I don’t have any cards..."

Later that day...

I’m playing cards with some other people and suddenly someone says, "My deck’s gone!" So we go about searching the entire room. I was convinced it had to be one of the Magic: The Gathering kids because I’d been making it a point to piss them off for the last few weeks. We continue looking for some time with no luck. Suddenly, who should appear but none other than little Card Shark McThief-ass who promptly pulls the deck case out of his pocket, claims that his sister took it, and sticks out his hand to ask if he gets a reward for returning it. To this day I still don’t remember there being a sister, and I definitely don’t remember there being a reward handed out.

2. World History 101

So there I was in the game room sitting down talking to Ben and my roommate, Robbi Rae Robbison (that’s right: R³ from Gaston, SC), when across the store I spot the Cap’n strolling in. I quickly search for an exit and realize that I’m foiled yet again by there being only one entrance/exit to the game room. He waddles up with his 583 pounds (actual weight here... I don’t make this kind of stuff up) of gaming crap that he lugs around on some sort of makeshift hand truck and immediately begins talking to me about ways of warfare. Now I’m no stranger to war stories and war discussion, I’ve heard more WWII stories from my grandfather than you can shake a stick at. However, I prefer the ones that are 1) understandable and 2) true.

So he’s going on about the pike and how it’s great for defending against Cavalry. Well it’s getting the better of me so I can’t help but add my sarcastic two cents, "Yeah you know the pike was used in every major army until the late 1820s." The reply almost knocked me out of my seat:

"No actually it was the 1920s and they called it a bayonet."

Now I could be wrong but the last time I checked the bayonet was a handy tool ATTACHED TO THE END OF A GUN used for melee combat at the approximate distance of 3-4 feet. Webster defines "pike" as: "a heavy spear with a very long shaft used by infantry especially in Europe from the Middle Ages to the 18th century."

By this time my two fine companions have long since left me in the dust. Fearing that I’ve been doomed to martyrdom, I come up with the perfect escape to freedom. "Yeah man that’s cool and all but I think that Sims is calling me up front so I’ll catch you later."

3. Sticks Were Made For Beating

I find myself playing the Dungeons and Dragons miniatures game on this particular day, which is actually a rare occasion for me since I don’t own any miniatures for it. From time to time I’ll use some of Ben’s war bands against him if he needs to practice for a tournament, or if we’re just killing time. So I’m taking my turn, and all at once I feel heavy breathing over my right shoulder. Now I've spent most of my life in the outdoors as a woodsman and hunter, and I realize immediately that this could be none other than the vast lung capacity of a great brown grizzly bear. I decide to proceed with extreme caution so as not to enrage the beast.

Then suddenly a hand descends from the heavens and I hear "Man he’s a beat-stick, he’s a beat-stick!"

I turn around, expecting to see the gaping maw of the nerdiest grizzly bear in history, and find to my surprise the stupid, toothy grin of none other than ex-Subway Employee and hemorrhoid extraordinaire, Dewey. I nod in his general direction and return my glare to the table, only to notice a hand still pointing at some 10 point spud. Once again, I hear "He’s a beat-stick man!"

Now I’m a God-fearing man, but there comes some times in life when I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have a problem if I just took things into my own hands. We obviously can’t rely on natural selection to weed them all out. While I’m thinking to myself, "Yes, while he is quite the formidable adversary, I’m relatively certain that this fifty some-odd point gentleman over here is much more of a 'beat-stick' than his comrade that you’re referring to," I reluctantly decided to take the easy way out, nod, and say, "Yes... yes he is."

Well, I believe that is all of the Flake that the ISB can handle for one sitting. I thank you all for reading through my little cameo here and also would like to thank the man, the myth, the legend, Chris 'B.M.F' Sims for the air time. Hopefully you enjoyed it and if not, well... it was free.

--B. Flake