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Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Legend of Dave Campbell

Dave's Long Box is a great comics blog. It's got a great concept, the writing's sharp, and it blessed the internet with the idea of using Airwolf as an adjective.

But what's even more interesting than the blog itself is the man behind it all. Dave Campbell is a man of mystery. He's an enigma, a cipher, emerging from a secret hideout to cut through an issue of NFL Superpro before fading away like he was never there. Trying to track down any solid information on the guy is like trying to grab a handful of smoke. All you're left with is a pile of rumors, half-truths, and speculations.

Turns out, Kevin had his own pile of rumors, and we shared them with each other, trying to answer that age-old question... Who Is Dave Campbell?

Chris: I heard he's nine feet tall, and this one time he was going to wrestle a grizzly bear, but then he actually befriended it and now he rides around on its back instead of a car to save gas.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that when he impregnated his wife, his seed was so fertile that she had dodecatuplets, but he ended up sending all but one of them into a secret government facility for super genius babies.

Chris: I heard he was the real-life inspiration for The Magnificent Seven. But they had to make it into seven different guys so that the viewing public would believe it.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that he can catch a lightsaber between his bare palms and cause you to break your grip on the weapon. When heard that lightsabers weren't real, Dave Campbell invented one just to do that trick.

Chris: You know that feeling you get when you take that first bite of an awesome new flavor of ice cream? Dave Campbell feels like that all the time.

BeaucoupKevin: Dave Campbell was going to deliver the commencement speech at Cornell last year, but the organizers realized that when faced with the prospect that no matter what they did, the graduates would never be as awesome as Dave Campbell and probably commit suicide as a result, they got Scott Baio instead.

Chris: I heard one time, Mark Hale was talking shit about Dave Campbell, and Dave found out about it and went to a cave to meditate without food or water for eight days and eight nights, and Mark fell victim to something that scientists have only been able to classify as The Withering, and that's why Mark never updates his blog anymore.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell is why Tom The Dog has to eat through a straw. A very thin one.

Chris: I heard that Dave Campbell once went back in time and became the inspiration for Nick Fury, but Kirby had to put an eyepatch on him to avoid screwing up the timeline.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell once ate a hand-grenade to save Bill Clinton from an assassin.

Chris: I heard he once ate Bill Clinton to save Bill Clinton from assassination, since normal weapons can't pierce his hide. Later, President Clinton described the experience as "heavenly" and "a real eye-opener."

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell doesn't sort his comics alphabetically by title or creator or company, but by printing company, which is something he can determine just by looking at the dot placement on page 9.

Chris: You know how James Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, says he can talk to God? That's actually Dave Campbell fucking with him.

BeaucoupKevin: Dave Campbell actually let Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire take credit for that home-run race they had a few seasons back when, in fact, he had zoomed in at Super-Speed, hitting the ball just a millisecond before they could with his bare hand, and then running off to perform greater miracles.

Chris: I heard he was the basis of the theory of Intelligent Design. People just won't accept the fact that Dave Campbell occurred at random.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that he's got sixteen extra ribs that are made out titanium.

Chris: I heard this one time, Dave Campbell and Sarah Vowell met up in a secret location two hundred feet below the foundations of the UN building. Worlds lived, and worlds died, but the universe would never be the same.

BeaucoupKevin: She scribed his name upon her arm with a tattoo needle and at night, she whispers "Goodbye, Dave Campbell. Goodbye, sweet lover."

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell actually caught the plane that John Denver was flying just before it crashed and he built a special cabin for him in the woods so Denver could really get away from it all.

Chris: I heard that part of the secret knowledge of the Mormon Faith is that Dave Campbell is actually a Latter-Day Saint.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Neo in the Matrix films was based on Dave Campbell and they were actually going to shoot him the lead role, but he moved so quickly the camera could never catch him.

Chris: I heard Dave Campbell put in the fiction suit and switched places with King Mob for a year.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Mark Millar kisses a picture of Dave Campbell every night before going to bed.

Chris: I heard that Dave Campbell was going to break Dave Sim's record of self-publishing 300 issues, but he actually drew them with his fingernail on sheets of pure diamond, and the only person who can afford a subscription is Dave Campbell.

BeaucoupKevin: When David Campbell stopped buying cocaine, the entire country of Colombia went into complete bankruptcy. It was only saved by his inventing Disco, which brought the drug into prominence among enough people to save their economy.

Chris: You know DC Comics?

BeaucoupKevin: Yes?

Chris: Ever wonder what the DC stood for?

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell made up most of the psalms one day while sittin' on a haystack, watching clouds.

Chris: My mom just told me Dave Campbell is my real father.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell is his own real father. So he's your half-brother too.

Chris: I heard that Dave Campbell once hit Jormungand the World Serpent so hard that he broke every bone in his own body.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that after that happened, he willed himself back into health within a day and then fought the gorgon with an old bike chain.

Chris: Dave Campbell wrote an episode of Jennifer Love-Hewitt's The Ghost Whisperer and it was so moving that they won't air it, afraid that it would flood the nation with the audience's tears.

BeaucoupKevin: I heard that Dave Campbell once walked up to Winston Churchill and upon seeing the man who'd changed his life, Churchill dropped to his knees and wept like a child on Christmas morning.

Chris: I heard his father was the North Wind, and his mother was the comely princess of a far-off land of magic and high sciences.

Dave Campbell. Experience the legend for yourself.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

this post reminded me of something else. but i still laughed out loud when i read it. i'm telling you, sims. your blogs have been quite good, lately. keep it up, yo.

rob

10/08/2005 2:01 AM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

That was actually what inspired me to get it started, but pretty soon it just became me wanting to top Kevin's.

I really do like Dave's Long Box, though.

10/08/2005 2:23 AM

 
Blogger David Campbell said...

I hear Dave Campbell played the part of young Ricky Schroeder's miniature train on Silver Spoons.

Ahh, I suck at this...

10/08/2005 3:00 AM

 
Blogger Philip Looney said...

Thanks for turning me on to Dave's Long Box, Sims. I've been reading it during this lame duck work week.

And thank you Dave Campbell for Boob War.

10/08/2005 5:57 AM

 
Blogger Greg said...

And of course, Area 51 is not where the aliens are, but where the government hosts Dave Campbell in sumptuous luxury, responding at once to his calls for comics from the quarter bin and comely lasses.

10/08/2005 10:13 AM

 
Blogger tomthedog said...

I heard Dave Campbell smells like music and tastes like rainbows.

And do you know how hard it is to get a steak through that frickin straw??

10/10/2005 10:38 AM

 
Anonymous crowdedhouse said...

"The A-Team' is actually a documentary about Dave Campbell's exploits against the evil ninja assassins that are constantly trailing him 24/7. The producers of the show just reshot all the action scenes with three other actors and Mr. T and removed all the blood and dismembered body parts left behind by the numerous fights Dave got into so that the censors would let it be shown on television.

Word Verification: kjbamgx, a tiny country in South America that has a fifty foot solid gold statue of their god, Dave Campbell, in the town square.

7/01/2006 1:24 AM

 
Anonymous www.muebles-en-soria.com said...

Of course, the writer is completely fair.

12/06/2011 9:57 AM

 

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