Open Letters, Volume 3
Dear Marvel Comics,
Look, I realize paper, ink, and Brian Bendis's team of double-joined cabana boys cost a lot of money. And I know that you guys are all about trade paperbacks now, and you're willing to kill of the single issue market slowly, but as hard as it may be to believe, there actually are some of us still reading the singles every week. So in the future, could you maybe not have ads on literally every other page in the comic?
I thought it was pretty weird last week when there was a double-page Honda Civic ad before any actual story in The Incredible Hulk, but when Chad popped open Ghost Rider at the store, there were actually more ads than story pages, and that's a little worrisome. Maybe there's another way to get the scratch to secretly fund Roy Thomas's llama farm? Picture this: Pepsi Cola and Stan Lee Present... House of Mountain Dew!
Get back to me on this.
Dear Gail Simone,
So I found out that you're "married" or whatever. That's cool, I've, uh, got a girlfriend anyway. I mean, you probably don't know her, she lives in Canada.
Wait. No. Not Canada. That, uh, didn't work out so well.
Anwyay, even though you won't return my calls, I figure we can still work together on a professional level. I'm a writer too, after all, and I just finished reading Villains United. Great stuff! But I'm thinking that "the kids" might want something a little edgier, so I took the liberty of punching up the dialogue for the trade paperback:
Hope you like it!
Dear Google Search Engine,
Can we talk for a minute about the people you're sending to my site here? I'll be honest with you, I don't mind getting hits from folks who are looking for "cobra punch kung fu form" and "using chi to be invincible" at all. I mean, that's what I'm all about. And as much as I'm loathe to admit it, I guess I was just asking to get a hit off "dennis the menace fuck mom," even though I'm not exactly sure why anyone would actually search for that.
It's when I get stuff like "Punisher Scully" that I worry about. What is that, someone looking for crossover fan-fiction? And I'm sure the guy looking for "Jesus statue you kneel to view" was pretty unhappy with my review of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, so it's not working out for any of us.
And those were just today's. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I enjoy your fine family of products, like Blogger here, but I'm thinking you might want to refine it so that the Alice Mitchell fetishists get exactly what they want.
PS: "shirtless gambit" is right out.
To His Holiness, the Pope Benedict XVI:
Hey, did you know Comedy Central's bringing back Drawn Together for a second frigg'n season? I don't have access to the libraries over there, but I'm pretty gosh-darned sure that the only thing left before the Apocalypse is rivers of blood.
Keep on rockin' the miter,