The Purely Theoretical Adventures of Abraham Lincoln

As you may have noticed if you were able to hit the snooze alarm this morning, today's President's Day, and while you've got forty-three heads of state to honor or revile at your option, we all know the real reason we're here:

That's right, the Great Emancipator himself, Abraham Lincoln. He's my favorite president, and not just for his accomplishments while in office, the fascinating drama surrounding his assassination, or even his victories as Illinois State Wrestling Champion. No, my interest in Lincoln goes far beyond what you might call "facts."

I consider myself something of an amateur historian, after all, and over the past few years working down at the Wiz, I've been able to put together a sketchy biography of Lincoln's hidden years, chronicling the time between when he faked his death with the aid of a time-traveling Ben Franklin and his re-emergence as one of the five pilots of The Presitron.

That stuff you learn about in your fancy schools is all well and good, after all, but really: My Lincoln arm-wrestled Scalphunter to the death:



Ventured into depths of space:



Embarked on a crusade of vigilante justice that only the Batman could stop...



...and apparently had his head stolen by what appears to be two guys on flying helicopter motorcycles decorated with skulls and some kind of... flying squirrel-man?

You know what? I have absolutely no idea what's supposed to be going on in this one:

Looks like a heck of an adventure, though.

I've written volumes on the subject, but unfortunately, the major publishers don't seem to think that DC Comics of the '70s and '80s are "entirely historically accurate," or whatever. I think we all know those ivory tower academics are just afraid of the truth.

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BONUS FEATURE

In honor of President's Day...

Art by the inimitable Kyle Baker, from the book Undercover Genie. Purchase it immediately, cretins!