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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

An Open Letter to the Robot Masterminds Sending Me Messages On MySpace

Dear Robot Masterminds,

Yesterday, I recieved the following:



An invitation from Alyssa

Date: Nov 30, 2006 07:00 PM

Subject: New Secret Ringtone That Adults Cannot Hear!


Hi S Char, I found your profile from Black Dawn by searching for people from WASHINGTON who are 19 or younger. We just created a brand new low frequency ringtone for cellphones that adults over 25 cannot hear and we're looking for people in OMAK who could help us evaluate the new ringtone. It only takes 15 seconds and you'd get a complimentary copy of the ringtone for your help. I'd really be grateful if you could help us out. Thanks!



Far be it from me to criticize the complex sequence of ones and zeroes that allows you to perform your daily spamvertising duties, but there are several problems with this:

  1. My name is not "S Char." Admittedly, most of the letters you got there fit into mine somewhere, but to be honest with you, I think you were thinking of someone else.

  2. I don't know anyone named "Black Dawn," although it does sound like it might be some kind of secret ninja organization. If this is the case, please add me to your friends list.

  3. Surprising pretty much everybody, I do not actually reside in OMAK, Washington, although now that I've heard the name, I want nothing more than to go there, entering the city only after fighting my way through the private army of the super-rich. Regardless, I actually live in South Carolina, and even with the pretty generous lead time you've given, I doubt it'd be feasable for me to head to the opposite side of the country for fifteen seconds and a free ringtone. Nevermind the fact that...

  4. I'm not 19 or younger. I'm actually 24, which means that I'm really not the target audience for a cell-phone ringtone that I won't be able to hear in nine months. And even if I was within the stated demographic, matters would be somewhat complicated by the fact that...

  5. Like most people, I already have a ringtone that adults over 25 can't hear. It's called "vibrate," and if there's anything we've learned from R. Kelly, it's that utilizing this feature can save a lot of extremely convoluted heartache.


In closing, while I certainly appreciate that you've singled me out as a fan of highly dubious science, like the kind that would necessitate a frequency emitted by a cell phone that you somehow lost the ability to hear on your 25th birthday that could also form a recognizeable version of "Lean Back," I'm afraid I'll have to decline the invitation.

I am, however, putting Alyssa into my Top 8. I think she likes me.

Best,
--Chris

22 Comments:

Blogger timmdrums said...

Okay, I've posted comments on your blog before...your humor helped me get through a painful divorce, all that head kicking helps. I'm now a myspace massive, and since your post tonight kinda had something to do with that, I requested you to be my friend.

11/15/2006 12:49 AM

 
Blogger LurkerWithout said...

I don't know dude, she looks like an NYX reader. You're likely crusing for a heart-ache. Remember if the hottie can't name at least 3 cast members of Micronauts its just not worth it...

11/15/2006 1:19 AM

 
Blogger Earth-2 Leigh said...

You misspelled "My name is now "S Char,"" S Char.

11/15/2006 1:24 AM

 
Blogger Brett said...

You should be pleased with that spam. My spam used to be all sex drugs, now it is shifting to all weight loss drugs, I am being actively insulted by spammers.

11/15/2006 1:57 AM

 
Blogger paperghost said...

I wanna be in on the Myspace party! Add me!

linky

11/15/2006 3:09 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually I have heard about these ringtones before, in the news no less. Apparently teachers in Britain are complaining about them because kids were using them in classrooms and teachers had no idea texting (messaging for you americans) was going on.

It works on the principle that as you get older you lose the ability to hear higher frequencies. Which is true, it's not an automatic thing on your 25th birthday though and to be honest Chris you probably already can't hear them if you've ever been to a heavy rock concert. For that matter neither will the 19 year olds.

Take solace though for shopping centres are using the exact reverse. to prevent abusive little cumbag kids from hanging around shopping centres winding up people that actually buy things some chopping centres (or malls) have started playing higher frequency sounds very loudly to annoy the kids into leaving.

Which is genius.

11/15/2006 6:05 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those ringtones were a plot point on this season's second episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent that aired several weeks ago.

11/15/2006 9:05 AM

 
Blogger Matthew E said...

I don't know anyone named "Black Dawn," although it does sound like it might be some kind of secret ninja organization. If this is the case, please add me to your friends list.

No! Don't fall for it! 'Black Dawn' is the event that destroyed the Legion!

11/15/2006 10:18 AM

 
Anonymous Lauren said...

If you can hear that a muted tv is on from the other room, then you'd be able to hear this ringtone. Though orginally I heard about it on NPR as a "teen repellent" that a British storeowner used to prevent shoplifting.

11/15/2006 11:17 AM

 
Blogger gorjus said...

NO, CHRIS INVINCIBLE!! MattE is right! Black Dawn is EEEEVIL . . .

And . . . you don't live in OMAK? You live in South Carolina? Man, screw that.

11/15/2006 11:22 AM

 
Blogger SallyP said...

Maybe this product could have other applications? Presumably your parents can't hear it, but every dog in the county could, and would all start howling, which could be...awkward.

11/15/2006 11:33 AM

 
Blogger SallyP said...

Oops.

11/15/2006 11:34 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally I think it's more likely they were after this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Char_Aznable

11/15/2006 1:25 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, what use would Char have for a phone that didn't work in space?

11/15/2006 1:40 PM

 
Blogger Jon said...

The only place I have ever been to in South Carolina is South of the Border. Do you live there? Because, oh my God, if you did, you'd totally have a giant stereotypical representation of a cartoon Mexican in your yard, and that? Is awesome.

And also because you could get an assload of M-80s there.

11/15/2006 2:30 PM

 
Blogger Ben said...

Ha ha, sucker! Is that all you get from MySpace? Because I am constantly being messaged by beautiful, scantily clad women who want to be my friend! They must all be popular too, cuz they all have like 2000 friends already! They even want me to watch them on their webcams!!!
I must be so awesome!!!

11/15/2006 4:11 PM

 
Anonymous MW said...

This actually seems very similar to my recent struggles with someone telling me I would get to see an allegedly nude Canadian.

I gotta say, I'm still pretty upset about it. Good luck with Alyssa, though, man. She's totally giving you the eye there.

11/15/2006 5:25 PM

 
Blogger Richelle said...

What I want to know is: who would win if Alyssa got in a fight with The Easiest Girls on MySpace? While The Girls have superior numbers, I think Alyssa could be a tough contender with her crazy supersonic brain-incinerating ray gun...er, ringtone. I guess we'll never know until they all go at it in the Creamed Corn Thunderdome.

11/15/2006 8:13 PM

 
Blogger Philip Looney said...

>>The only place I have ever been to in South Carolina is South of the Border.

I have lived in SC my entire 27 years, and I have never been to South of the Border.

11/15/2006 10:46 PM

 
Anonymous Inscrutable Hahn said...

Oh, and for the record, the town in Washington that the spam was referring to is actually spelled OMAC.

Yep, just like the comic.

11/15/2006 11:28 PM

 
Blogger Todd Lawrence said...

Screw the ringtone. I'd rather know how she was able to send you spam from the future.

11/16/2006 4:13 AM

 
Anonymous Eric said...

Little known fact: Washington D.C. Is actually 16 days ahead of the rest of the country. Has something to do with vacation time for the president or something.

11/16/2006 9:38 PM

 

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