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Friday, November 10, 2006

All Shall Be Revealed, Part Three!

This is the big one!

That's right, tonight, the winner of the first-ever ISB Q&A contest--and the recipient of a prize package valued at over $4.22--will be revealed. But first, the jam-packed grand finale where I finally finish answering your questions!

Thess wonders when Rob Liefeld's revolutionary comics masterpiece is finally going to come out (Hint: It'll be late):

What work in the history of all comicdom would you say has the largest gap between the quality of the comic and the quality of its creative team?

Could be the best comic by bad artists, or the worst comic by great artists. Your pick.

And now, three items from the legendary career of Alan Moore: Watchmen. V For Vendetta. Violator/Badrock.

One of these things is not like the others.

Anonymous the Seventh put me in his circle:

Why won't you return my calls?

Take my advice, A7: Never accept an offer of long distance service from the alleged Prince of Nigeria that winds up in your inbox after a night of heavy drinking. My cell phone weighs six pounds, and my outgoing calls cost $14 and a goat per minute.

And seriously, I've got no bars out here.

Nimbus wonders about my continuing efforts to extort comments from my readership:

How did you know that offering free comics and a piece of awesome, original artwork would produce the greatest response to one of your blog posts evah?

I was actually pretty surprised that the rest of the world shares my love of things they don't have to pay for, although I probably wouldn't use the term "awesome original artwork" to describe a crayon drawing of Blue Devil on a (slightly used) current-size backing board.

Unless, of course, I was selling it on eBay.

And are you ashamed, and perhaps a little saddened, that you get more comments from a non-post like this than from one of your "proper" posts (with, you know, actual content, scans of awesome comics and, just maybe, a little humour)?

Not really. It's been my experience with Badass Week and the Superboy Sound Effect Challenge that when I actually ask for a response, I tend to get a lot more comments than I normally would. Of course, I love getting a response to my regular posts, too, which is somewhat complicated by the notion that, as Kalinara once told me, "a lot of what you write stands without comment." I suspect that has a lot to do with the fact that nobody else bothered to read a lot of the stuff I write about.

I'm looking at you, Supernaturals.

DJMikerdee was so excited about Mechanical Murder in the World of Dinosaurs that he forgot to include a question mark. I can't say I blame him:

Dammit! Why have you not done an overview on the greatest comic series of all time: "Skull the Slayer" - 8 whopping issues of Marvel madness with dinosaurs, aliens, Aztecs and - for two Marvel Two-In-One issues - Benjamin Grimm!

Probably because it's never been conveniently collected into an Essential (which is going to happen when you're about 17 issues short of filling one of those things) or suggested to me... until now. And since a quick look over at the GCD informs me that the last half of the series--which promises Savage ACTION as you've come to expect from the far-reaching House of Ideas--was written by none other than Boisterous Bill Mantlo. And that means that it's totally getting purchased.

INSIDE JOKE ALERT: Cody, whom one may presume does not work at the tire factory in Hell, puts the Trifecta into play:

Why are you playing Bully and not Marvel: Ultimate Alliance?

Bully came out first. And it is also probably the single best video game of the year. Plus, I was kinda holding off on Ultimate Alliance in the hopes that I'll scrape together enough cash to get an XBox 360 soon, at which time I can play as Moon Knight. Until then, I'll just have to boycott it in protest of the inclusion of a scene in Asgard that does not feature the Warriors Three.

...Although according to Wikipedia, you fight MODOK. And that means I totally need to buy it right now.

In MUA, why does Dr. Strange have hands the size of steam shovels?

All those years of casting spells with his hands in what Jeff Parker called "Dt'kho Position" have built Strange's finger-muscles up to a truly phenomenal degree. You just don't usually notice it, because Wong is actually twelve feet tall.

It's in the Handbook.

The Punisher's old "diamond tipped fingernail" (which he used to cut through ropes that had him tied to the barrel of a huge cannon): Awesome instance of planning ahead or symbol of Frank's love of the bling?


Aurora's own Matt Brady is planted firmly in the gutter:

Which has more hilariously creepy sex scenes: Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose or Housewives at Play?

Hilariously creepy? Oh, that's Tarot, hands down. Check out the sound effect from this classic scene:

That might be a guy going face-first right into his girlfriend's sister's Cronin, but it's also pretty hilarious.

Housewives, on the other hand, has the distinction of having the absolute worst and most thoroughly non-erotic thing I have ever seen in a porn comic. Well, an American porn comic, anyway. It's not like it's AG Super Erotic Anthology or anything.

Davy knows there ain't nobody dope as me:

Chris, in the face of being so incredibly awesome - how do you stay humble?

Two words: Dave Campbell.

Cody, who may or may not be the same guy from two questions ago, goes a little high-brow on me:

Better man vs. tank fight:

The Midnighter in Afghanistan or the Saint of Killers in Arizona?

If for no other reason than the fact that he's far less powerful than the Force of Nature that is the Saint of Killers, and yet still manages to kick a bullet in the face, I'm giving this one to the Midnighter.

Rick conducts mad experiments to fuse two popular search keywords:

Can you confirm or deny that Batman is the Chuck Norris of the DC Universe?

Yes, I can.

Haole apparently got here from the link on Deadspin:

So, South Carolina has opened as a thirteen point dog against Florida in the Return of Spurrier to the Swamp. Would you take the 'Cocks to cover?

Outside of five, maybe six words, I have no idea what you just said. I do, however, know that people were really excited about Steve Spurrier around here a couple of years ago--and by "really excited," I mean that I pass by like three billboards on the way to work that say things like "SC IS SPURRIER COUNTRY!"--so I'm going to go with yes.

Yes, I would take the Cocks to... cover... uh... the swamp dogs.

Moving on!

Bakuryu brings things back to the only sport(s entertainment) I'm knowledgeable about:

Who would win in a no-holds-barred contest of surviving claustrophobia: Dave Batista or Storm?

Storm's typical response to being locked up in a confined space was to FREAK OUT while Chris Claremont wrote captions reminding us of how hot she was. Batista, on the other hand, was able to confront his fear with only a small bit of prodding from Chavo Guerrero.

Plus, Batista's really worked on developing some charisma over the past few years, while Storm's been relegated to the supporting cast of a book written by a guy who thinks Namor can talk to fish.

Jon Hex knows that as a mathematician, I make a great writer:

If Bucky was only unfrozen for only a cumulative five years and Danny Rand is the Daredevil associated with Civil War, when Iron Man and Spider-Man fight, how long will it take them to realize Jon Hex is the coolest man alive?

Considering the shipping schedule we're working with here, Jon, I'm going to give you a rough estimate of a billion years.

Nate has problems:

Why is the swelling getting worse?

I've got some bad news for you, pal: That's not swelling. That's a Kuato.

Danicus dreams of a more violent DCU:

When a Green Lantern is confronted with an enemy that has painted himself yellow, why is it that they never just stab an emerald javelin into the opponent's pupil? those are ALWAYS black.

Probably because that is an egregious violation of the Comics Code, but that's a little bit out of my area of expertise. If you have any more questions regarding Green Lantern, feel free to send them here, or--for more ass-based queries--here.

Lauren laments...

Why, oh why, did they bring Jason Todd back?

As much as I hate Judd Winick as a comics writer, I can sympathize with his desire to fix one of the many, many problems with "Hush," and to be honest, after actually reading the stories, they're the best ones that he's written for DC, as much as I disagree with the decision that brought them around.

To answer your question, though: a) Because it was inevitable, and b) to make a lot of money.

Atom Warlock is setting up brackets for this year's All-Valley Tournament:

Iron Fist or Shang Chi in a battle to determine who is the ultimate Kung Fu master?

Normally, I'd go with Shang Chi. He is, by definition, The Master of Kung Fu, which means that there is nobody better at it than him. But you did use the word "battle," and since Iron Fist punched a dragon and then bear hugged it to death in order to steal the mystic powers of its heart, Danny Rand reigns as the best around.

Nothin's ever gonna keep him down!

Jeffery Hardy Quah conducts the most awesome exit poll ever:

Who would you vote for President: Karate Kid or Karate Bearfighter?

Trick question: Neither Val Armorr nor Masutatsu Oyama are American Citizens, and are therefore ineligible for the presidency. Plus, I don't think either one's 35 yet.

That aside, however, Oyama's experience as a KARATE BULLFIGHTER in his previous adventures would give him a stronger base for leadership skills necessary for the running of a country, so he gets my vote. But I'd want him to name Karate Kid as Secretary of Anti-Gravity Ass-Kicking.

Philip "The Thrilip" Looney returns for a question that none of you will understand:

In a joke that maybe 5 people who read your blog will get - The Cap'n and Bear (not a real bear, but Bear) in a cage match - who ya got?

In what may be the only example ever of the Cap'n being more mobile than somebody, I'd have to give him the edge in a physical confrontation.

Bear wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

The amazingly not-safe-for-work Shon Richards asks the question that it took me the longest to think up an answer to:

What reccomended music do you suggest as the soundtrack for your blog?

To be honest with you, Shon, I missed out on a lot of music while I was a teenager, and as a result, I'm still catching up late to the party when it comes to becoming anything resembling an audiophile. Fortunately, a lot of my friends in the internet comics community don't share that problem, and between them and my good friend and coworker Tug Baker--who is solely responsible for about half of my current tastes in music--I've been doing a lot of catching up.

As such, I was pretty tempted to just open up WinAmp and jot down whatever songs caught my eye, but a soundtrack to the ISB is something different than just a list of music I like to listen to. It's got to be a list of songs that actually fit in with the style I'm trying to capture with my writing, and that's a little harder to come up with.

But I said I'd answer, and so now, for the first time ever, here's the track list for your Five Song ISB Mixtape, suitable for listening while reading boldface commentary of super-heroes punching animals:

Art Brut - Good Weekend: Art Brut, which is one of Tug's contributions to my permanent playlist, also has a song called "Fight!" that's also pretty thematically appropriate, but it's more about the "arguing with your girlfriend" kind than the "punching someone in the face" kind. Either way, they're awesome, and this one's my favorite from the album, and the exact text of the post I'm holding in reserve for the day when I actually do get a new girlfriend.

Kenickie - Come Out 2Nite: I mentioned last night that lately, I've been listening to a lot of the music that Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie talk about in Phonogram, and this song plays a pretty big role in the events of the first issue. Also, it is ridiculously good.

William Shatner (With Joe Jackson) - Common People: Another thing I mentioned in last night's Phonogram review was how Common People is one of my favorite songs, and William Shatner's version from his surprisingly-awesome album "Has Been"--produced by Ben Folds--is astonishing. I would've put a link to a YouTube video of it here, but, well, it looks like they're all of people lip-synching to it, and while I have no greater desire than to rock this mother out at karaoke, I wouldn't subject people who haven't been drinking to that kind of thing.

Electric Six - Dance Commander: This song uses the word "awesome" three times in the chorus, and--like most Electric Six songs--seems to exist only so that someone can rock out while singing about fire. And if that's not a musical metaphor for the ISB, I don't know what is.

Elvis Costello - No Action: Although "Every Day I Write The Book" might be a better metaphor for the length of my posts, "No Action" is a pretty common justification for why I didn't like something. Like, say, Superman Returns.

BONUS TRACK: Wu-Tang Clan - Wu Tang Clan Ain't Nothin' To Fuck With: To be played whenever a post centers on Batman. Although I should note that I, too, have a style that is awesome, and I have caused almost as many Family Feuds as Richard Dawson.

So there you have it, Shon: a workable soundtrack of loud, fast music that can be enjoyed while reading the ISB. If it's more music you're after, though, I've done a lot of work to the tune of 24 Hours, Disc 1 and A Night At The Hip-Hopera, both fantastic mash-up albums by The Kleptones that are available to download or torrent on their site.

And speaking of downloadable music, you could do a lot worse for a daily soundtrack than to check out bitterandrew's Armagideon Time, an mp3 blog by one of those comics-reading audiophiles I mentioned that recently hosted a post dedicated to me and my love of scripted grappling.

Seriously, download Super Destroyer Mark II. It's worth it.

And now, the Runner-Up of the ISB Q&A Contest:

Brian has an alarmingly specific dilemma for me:

Oh no, a huge stack of longboxes full of Good copies of 'Rom Spaceknight' has collapsed and crushed your body! Fortunately it's a Wednesday, and there's a mad scientist at your store ready to transplant your brain into a new body.

What body, m'friend? A super-ape? Luke Cage? A cyborg whale with laser cannons sprouting out of its blowholes?

As much as I'd love to go with that last option--especially given my well-known vendetta against krill--I've got to confess that I probably wouldn't be able to think it up, given the situation you've placed me in.

Instead, with the loss of blood getting to me and nothing to do until help arrives than leaf through Bill Mantlo's late-70s space epic, I'd most likely get to the point where by the time the Mad Scientist arrived with plans to install my mind into a Cricketron, I'd instead demand that he employ the fantastic science of Galador to turn me into...


After that, I'd probably wander around and appear to murder innocent people while actually sending masquerading Dire Wraiths to Limbo, act completely shocked when people were upset by the fact that it looks an awful lot like I'm blasting friendly senior citizens with death rays, and wonder if I'd ever run across this creature that men called... The Hulk.

No good would come of it.

Except, of course, for you, Brian! With your vivid scenario that has now become my greatest fear, you've earned yourself a crayon drawing of the comic book character of your choice!

...But all that and more is now slated to be shipped to ISB Q&A CONTEST WINNER Cap'n Neurotic, who brought a picture:

Question: is this page from Punisher 2099 funny because it's funny, or is it funny because it's not?

The page in question (click for a larger image):

Answer: I don't know, but that might be the single greatest page in comics history, and I am going to insert those phrases into every single conversation I have from now on.

"Hey Chris, how many donuts do you want?"

"Thirty six... CALIBER."

Congratulations, Cap'n Neurotic! You've earned yourself:

  • A poorly-done crayon drawing of the comic book character of your choosing!
  • A signed copy of CRACKED Magazine #2, featuring two and a quarter pages of all-new Chris Sims "humor!"
  • Max Collins and Terry Beatty's Wild Dog #1-4, where a vigilante in a hockey jersey kicks a terrorist in the face so hard that it breaks his neck!
  • And my personal copies of The Punisher #22-23, where Frank Castle attends Ninja Training Camp, as seen in the ISB's One Year Awesomeversary!

And that about wraps things up, but--and I mean this--Thank You, Everyone, for reading the ISB, asking questions, and making this whole thing successful and worthwhile, and keeping yourselves occupied while I took a couple days off.

Happy Punishment Day, Everybody!


Blogger Ragnell said...

for more ass-based queries--here.

Oh, I was confused. At first I thought this blog was the place to ask ass-based queries, but no, this would be the place where an ass answers queries! :)

11/11/2006 2:57 AM

Blogger Chris Sims said...

I'm sorry, Rags, what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sheer amount of awesome from this issue of Daredevil that I'm reading.

11/11/2006 3:14 AM

Blogger Cap'n Neurotic said...

You like me! You really like me!

Or, at least, you like the page I serendipitously stumbled across mere days before your contest.

I would gloat some (as Chris encouraged me to do), but I'm afraid at 3 in the morning all I can come up with is a pale mockery of DC Superbaby speak ("Ha! Me am winner! You am all losers!"), and that's just an embarassment to us all.

11/11/2006 4:15 AM

Blogger LurkerWithout said...

I'm sorry, Rags, what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sheer amount of awesome from this issue of Daredevil that I'm reading.

Someone get some aloe, 'cause that was one WICKED BURN!

Though I do wonder which scene from HaP you think is least erotic. For me, I'd have to say that its the strip club owner's "interview". Even nastier than any of the scenes invovling insertion of household object A into orifice B. Then again I didn't stick with the series long enough to get to the Lactation Ranch issue. Maybe its from that...

11/11/2006 6:05 AM

Anonymous Fiendenstein said...

I personally thought "where do you live?", "on the edge" was more awesomer than the caliber comment, still both needed to said reguarly and then celebratory hi-fived by the next closest person

11/11/2006 6:52 AM

Blogger paperghost said...

bah. 3 whole parts of "all shall be revealed" and you didn't even get naked. I mean seriously, there's some heavy duty trades description lawbreaking going on there. Still, you did show some dudes head going up a vampire snowwoman's butt or something and as for that Punisher page...well, its thirty six....caliber ftw.

11/11/2006 7:12 AM

Blogger Jamie McKelvie said...

I wonder if EMI are wondering why there's suddenly been a spike in people buying Kenickie.

11/11/2006 7:56 AM

Anonymous Brian said...

My heart grew three sizes this day!

The only YouTube 'Common People' I've found that actually features the real musicians is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEcMUMZMEaQ

Shatner has some issues with tempo*, but it's totally worth it for when Joe Jackson, despite looking like Pete White and Master Billy Quizboy from the Venture Brothers merged into one being, ROCKS OUT.

*A statement on a par with '"Civil War" has drawn a few complaints from fans of Tony Stark'

11/11/2006 10:26 AM

Blogger Evan Waters said...

"Where's that report, Johnson?"
"On the EDGE."

"What date does Hannukah start this year?"

11/11/2006 12:48 PM

Anonymous Paul said...

Housewives, on the other hand, has the distinction of having the absolute worst and most thoroughly non-erotic thing I have ever seen in a porn comic.

Which is?

11/11/2006 2:00 PM

Anonymous jim treacher said...

Who'd win, Punisher 2099 or Marshall Law? The contest is Being Crazy.

11/11/2006 3:08 PM

Blogger Ben said...

Dang! I should have crafted a more elaborate Punisher question.

Hmmm. My verification word is 'vaocm' which I believe is actually the company I get my internet from.

11/11/2006 3:26 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think my favorite thing about that Punisher page is, what the hell uses .36 caliber?

11/11/2006 3:45 PM

Blogger LurkerWithout said...

.36 caliber was to show that its crazy future time with crazy future guns. Which are obviously much, much better than regular modern guns...

Of course you've got to wonder how exactly a .36 (being only .003 bigger than a .357) is better than a .45 or .50. Also why a hundred years in the future America STILL hasn't converted over to metrics...

11/11/2006 6:25 PM

Anonymous heckblazer said...

Re: a super-blog soundtrack, the band Lostprophets has done a track entitled "Kobrakai" on their album thefakesoundofprogress. I haven't listened to it so I don't know if it's any good, but I thought you should know.

11/11/2006 9:03 PM

Blogger Randall Kirby said...

lso, Dean martin's "Ain't that a kick in the head".

11/11/2006 9:13 PM

Anonymous Max Radical said...

Thank you, Chris Sims and Cap'n Neurotic for breaking my mind with images of the best character being the absolute worst SO HARD that it swings round into unbelievably best again.

That's something special; now fetch me my plasma cannon!

11/11/2006 9:51 PM

Blogger Mallet said...

Namor can talk to fish.

Check it out.

11/11/2006 10:29 PM

Anonymous Felecia said...

You'd really take The Cap'n over Bear in a cage match?! You must know Bear as well as I thought. Even without a leg a stand on, I'd still give him the edge.

11/12/2006 1:04 AM

Anonymous Felecia said...

Arrrggghh...dratted typos. I meant you most **not** know Bear as well as I thought.

11/12/2006 1:05 AM

Anonymous Felecia said...

I give up. I can't type tonight.

You ***must not*** know Bear as well as I thought.

Even if there's a typo in this, I'm not correcting it.

11/12/2006 1:07 AM

Anonymous sem said...

Hey, Chris? An audiophile is someone who is nutsoid about sound quality, not a music lover. I hate pointing this out, but I feel duty-bound 'n stuff.

Actually, I just couldn't think of anything more interesting to post. Move along, folks, nothing to see here.

11/12/2006 9:29 AM

Anonymous sem said...

Heh, an addendum to my comment:

I should say "audiophile mean you're nutsoid about sound quality. But it doesn't *mean* music lover."

Although, considering how many audiophiles I know who are happy to buy special CDs of a really bad Deep Purple album, while ignoring the total awesomeness of Kenickie, my original comment *could* stand, couldn't it?

11/12/2006 9:31 AM

Anonymous Thespionage said...

It is good to see Kenickie getting posthumous props in the comics world thanks to good ol' Gillen and Mckelvie. The DJ played them at a club I was at last week, and I didn't so much dance my face off as just stand there for a bit thinking "YES!". Then I danced my face off.

11/12/2006 6:03 PM


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