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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Most Important Blog Post You May Ever Read!

Back when I first started working at the shop, the first major event I went through at the store was a huge sale on the back issues. This was back when I was using my inborn gift for shameless hucksterism--a characteristic which can now be seen daily on this very blog--for evil instead of for awesome, and for those of you keeping score at home, it's the same sale where I convinced at least three people that parting with $1.75 in exchange for a run of EuroHit was a good idea.

I've since repented, of course, but despite my remorse, I don't consider that to be the biggest mistake I made that day. No, that was wilfully parting with what may in fact be the most fantastic comic book ever produced. But today, my friends, another copy has been located. Rejoice! For tonight, I give you...


NINJUTSU!
The Art Of The Ninja


Originally published under the art direction of Rich Buckler in 1986 by Solson Publications--the same fine people who brought you Bushido Blade of Zatoichi Walrus--this was a one-shot that was ostensibly produced in order to drum up excitement for Solson's Codename: Ninja, a series that according to the GCD, lasted a mere two issues before being silenced by unknown forces for daring to reveal the truth behind the Ninja's Invisible Art. Truth with which I am about to rock your face.

That's right: Tonight, for the first time ever, the ISB reveals the deadly fighting secrets of the world's most lethal assassins, at great personal risk. There are masters of the fatal arts who would descend on me from nearby Carolina-in-the-Sky University for even thinking about showing you what you are about to see.

But no matter! By studying and mastering the following techinques, you too will be able to join my army of Invincible Super-Ninjas, thus bringing my goal of Total Internet Domination that much closer.



Quite possibly the best thing about this entire book--and believe me, there's a candidate for that honor on virtually every page--is the straightforward, randomly bolded way that it's written, which reads like what would undoubtedly be the best Wikipedia article ever in certain places. In others, of course, the combination of sentences like "One of the most frequently used tools is the rope and grappling hook" and the black-and-white art on newsprint make it read like the world's most irresponsible coloring book.

So really, it's a win-win.

The real important thing about this page, though, is the phrase: "OFt times, Killing was a necessary part of the ART OF THE INVISIBLE WARRIOR," a sentence that we can all easily adapt to our day-to-day lives. For instance:

"Anybody want to hit up Taco Bell for lunch?"

"Oft times, Consuming Three Gorditas is a necessary part of the ART OF THE INVISIBLE WARRIOR."

Try it out.



From this lesson, we can learn two important lessons:

1. Using their indomitable Chi, squirrels can merge their bodies with trees.

2. Simply master the art of shape-shifting, and you'll be a lot better at hiding.

Really, though, that last one's a given.



Perhaps the most crucial part of a Ninja's training is the meditation required to unlock his inner mystical powers--such as flight, freestyle rapping, and the ability to generate wailing, Van Halenesque guitar solos--by focusing on the nine Kuji-In Hand Positions. The one pictured above, for instance, is used to develop your inner power...



...and this one serves as a reminder that even a Ninja must rock out hard. And of course...



...THIS one may be used to signal when you're about to utilize the deadly Diamond Cutter finishing move, which can be hit from 52 different positions. Bang!

Of course, mystical techniques and wailing guitars are no substitute for a sturdy weapon at your side, as evidenced by the next section, Ninja Weaponry. Most of what's in there is common knowledge, but just so we're all clear, I would like to point out one thing:



I'm pretty sure that's the exact set of throwing stars that's available on p. 498 of the current Previews.

So really, that's all there is to it. My advice? Study the information I've provided carefully, and eventually you too shall be endowed with kicks that can kill lions or bears.

I'm pretty sure that's guaranteed in there somewhere.




BONUS FEATURE: A Gallery of Ninja Fighting Techniques!








45 Comments:

Anonymous MrShooty said...

Bah! Every teaching in that book can be easily rendered useless with one well-placed bullet.

No eastern mystic hogwash, just hot lead.

3/08/2007 1:17 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tyr that ninja bullshit in real life you're gonna get your ass beat.

3/08/2007 1:23 AM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Nice try, anonymous, but everybody knows that Tyr is a viking, not a ninja.

And you know you fear my Ninjutsu truth.

3/08/2007 1:30 AM

 
Blogger Dylan said...

Wow. Well, that was awesome.

I feel so... powerful. Like I just learned some deep, eternal truth that will aid me in my fight against greed, injustice and Sasquatches. Or maybe it's just gas.

Yep. Just gas.

3/08/2007 1:44 AM

 
Blogger Erin Palette said...

I'm a goth ninja.

I weep uncontrollably at the sight of Frank Miller comic books, and when the pain of living gets to be to much I cut myself with shuriken.

Plus, I look fabulous in black.

3/08/2007 1:52 AM

 
Anonymous Patrick said...

I think I've gone blind.

3/08/2007 2:02 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Typos, my old nemesis.

Don't get cocky Sims, I'll put a bullet in your head while you're busy "meditating".

3/08/2007 2:09 AM

 
Anonymous qseal said...

Screw that. Sign me up in a class with Snake Eyes, and I'll be set.

confirmation code - zkweeks: the sound that squeaky floorboard makes when you're "stealth-stepping" out of your girlfriend's parent's house after 2am.

3/08/2007 2:15 AM

 
Blogger Scott said...

Don't get cocky Sims, I'll put a bullet in your head while you're busy "meditating".

Wow. They really are coming out of the woodwork to stop you from spreading these secrets.

3/08/2007 2:20 AM

 
Anonymous Twixter said...

Perfect. And now we're going to have a bunch of nerds running around like a bunch of two bit Storm Shadows. Just great.

3/08/2007 2:41 AM

 
Anonymous Mrshooty said...

Perfect. And now we're going to have a bunch of nerds running around like a bunch of two bit Storm Shadows. Just great.

I'm just waiting 'tll one of them trys this crap in a biker bar.

3/08/2007 2:44 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Erin, what is the best technique for cutting yourself with shuriken? Do you bank them off a wall, or just aim for your foot?

(Correct answer: plant your shuriken firmly in your enemy's back, then cut yourself with the outward facing edges)

3/08/2007 2:59 AM

 
Anonymous kate said...

I kind of miss Diamond Dallas Page. I mean, in a vague sort of way. (I miss his interminable feuds with Savage and Hogan quite a lot less.)

But really, DDP is driven out of my mind by NINJAS! Which is as it should be.

3/08/2007 3:26 AM

 
Blogger LurkerWithout said...

The Diamond Cutter is the greatest move ever. Able to be delivered from any position or even while flying thru the air...

BANG!

3/08/2007 4:03 AM

 
Blogger jonni said...

I haven't even read this post properly and I can feel teh awesome!

ah Ninjas! How I've missed you...

3/08/2007 4:47 AM

 
Anonymous Christopher said...

They always do that hand-jive on the inexplicably popular anime/orwellian nightmare Naruto before they can do ninja shit like spitting fire or raising the dead.

So I guess my point is that nerds and children are STILL running around acting like the ninjas in a Solson book, some two decades after the fact.

I don't know what it means, but there it is.

3/08/2007 5:50 AM

 
Anonymous klaus said...

I already have the good fortune to be endowed with lion-killing kicks (life's tough in Africa, you know). But I have no idea how to throw a shuriken, so I guess there's always something left to learn...

3/08/2007 7:04 AM

 
Anonymous luke said...

The sad thing is that if this was published today, DDP would sue for copyright infringement on the Diamond Cutter sign. Seriously, he controls the hand gesture for crying out loud!

3/08/2007 7:52 AM

 
Anonymous lowland_rider said...

Related:

http://www.metafilter.com/59251/The-Search-For-Count-Dante

(Read through the comments -- fantastic.)

3/08/2007 8:16 AM

 
Anonymous xrundog said...

I like that last move. It must be called the "Moe". Blind your opponent using the two-fingered "fork of steel"!

3/08/2007 9:23 AM

 
Blogger Jeff Rients said...

DDP/Savage wasn't so bad, but I really liked DDP/Benoit. IIRC that was one of those feuds where there were no heels, just two badasses beating the crap out of each other to prove who was tougher.

3/08/2007 9:24 AM

 
Blogger Matthew E said...

I am assuming here that everyone is already familiar with the ninja-flavoured awesomeness at Real Ultimate Power?

3/08/2007 9:35 AM

 
Blogger kelvingreen said...

My gosh, is the ninja taking out Ryu in that last picture? That is truly badass.

3/08/2007 9:49 AM

 
Blogger A.R.Yngve said...

But would bona fide Ninjas feel threatened by the release of this book?

Let us ASK A NINJA -- I'm sure the answer will be hilarious. ;)

3/08/2007 10:54 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Lord I laughed so much my face hurts.

Fantastic work Mt. Sims, right up there with the Presitron and Metamorpho's Jive Talk School

3/08/2007 11:27 AM

 
Anonymous William said...

Climb a tree? Shape change? Every Ninja knows the best stealth technique is the "Ninja Hedge."

Move along. Nothing to see here. We are just a hedge.

3/08/2007 11:46 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just remember, its lions or bears, not both...

3/08/2007 12:12 PM

 
Blogger Uncle Cubby said...

I am flipping out hard right now. Do you suppose that Frank Miller read this book before his classic run on Daredevil?

3/08/2007 12:27 PM

 
Blogger Rob Rogers said...

Uncle Cubby said: "I am flipping out hard right now. Do you suppose that Frank Miller read this book before his classic run on Daredevil?"

Only if Frank Miller was awesome enough to have a time machine, Unc (a possibility worth considering). Chris said that this came out in 1986. Miller's classic run started in the late 70s.

I feel a little dirty typing in my word verification: ssxcm

3/08/2007 12:43 PM

 
Anonymous bookrats said...

Well, Chris, how hard can it be to learn these secrets if squirrels have mastered it?

Me, I'm training where the action is... with Pirates!!

3/08/2007 12:43 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do NOT underestimate the squirrels bookrats, they can kill DOOM himself.
You would do well to study their secrets.

3/08/2007 3:31 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anyone else find that the format of the ninja comic reminds them of a less hateful version of Jack Chick?

3/08/2007 4:03 PM

 
Anonymous ferretnick said...

My face is thoroughly ROCKED!!
I will have to kill off my co-workers now just to test these newfound skills! (and to prevent them using said skills on me!)

Actually, I have the Solson Publications of the "Official Guide to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" training manuals.
Four seperate issues, each with the corresponding turtles' skill (katana, bo staff, nunchuks, sais) and another issue which gives the basic ninja skills all four turtles utilize.
Great stuff!

3/08/2007 4:08 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For more in depth reporting, Jake at Ye Olde did Ninja Made Easy week last year, working fromthe same manual.

http://yeoldecomicblogge.blogspot.com/2006/02/ninja-made-easy-week.html

3/08/2007 4:31 PM

 
Anonymous Josh Elder said...

Chris, you have to tell me how I can procure this sequential art masterpiece. It could be the last object I need to complete my quest to become the perfect ninja.

Give me your secrets, Sims -- or you shall surely die!

3/08/2007 5:15 PM

 
Anonymous jayunderscorezero said...

Ninjas and Monty Python gags in the same post?

Bravo, sir.

3/08/2007 7:32 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A wonderfully illuminating entry, but what would Dr. McNinja have to say about it?

http://www.drmcninja.com/

3/08/2007 8:58 PM

 
Anonymous Lorene said...

Two things about that photo of the sand in the face.

First, the technique isn't sand in the face. It's MELTING YOUR OPPONENT'S FACE OFF!

Second, it would have been much cooler if the ninja cast no shadow -and really, he shouldn't, should he? Did he learn nothing from that "Be Invisible" bit??-, 'cause then it would look like the opponent had wet himself, as it should be.

Verification word: AYCHUC. Totally a ninja sound!

3/08/2007 9:22 PM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Don't get cocky Sims, I'll put a bullet in your head while you're busy "meditating".

Your paltry threats mean nothing to a true Ninja Warrior, and by that, I totally mean me. What good would your "bullets"--which I assume you'd "shoot" at "me" "from" a "gun"--be against the secrets of my art? Secrets like teleportation! Levitation! And perhaps the most deadly of all, the dropping of beats.

You fear my Ninjutsu Truth. Fact.

3/08/2007 11:11 PM

 
Anonymous Jack R. said...

From this lesson, we can learn two important lessons:

1. Using their indomitable Chi, squirrels can merge their bodies with trees.

2. Simply master the art of shape-shifting, and you'll be a lot better at hiding.


That made me laugh harder than I have in years. Well done, sir.

3/08/2007 11:42 PM

 
Blogger Philip Looney said...

Chris - I own a copy of Codename: Ninja #1. Let me know if you need that in your brain case.

3/09/2007 1:19 AM

 
Blogger Chris Sims said...

Phil, you KNOW I need that in my braincase!

3/09/2007 1:42 AM

 
Blogger Nathan P. Mahney said...

You know that somewhere Michael Dudikoff is kicking the crap out of a whole lotta Japanese guys with his superior American Ninjutsu.

3/09/2007 3:13 AM

 
Blogger Matt Brady said...

I was hoping for a "Knife to the eye!" in the bonus section. Bummer.

3/09/2007 2:47 PM

 
Blogger Mariano Lexiur said...

Only open yours leyes !!

11/08/2014 4:47 AM

 

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