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Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Gwendolyn, Gwendolyn, What Have You Done?

[Note: Most of the links in today's piece are going to be unsafe for work, unless your boss doesn't mind you looking at pictures of action figures having sex. And if that's true, man, your job rocks.]

By comic shop standards, I'm not really into toys that much. I mean, I'm hardcore for MiniMates, and I like a cool-ass action figure as much as the next guy, but I don't go crazy for 'em. Still, I was pretty excited when Chad brought a box of random-ass action figures to the shop today to trade in. There were a lot of leftovers from attempts at customs, but most of them were in pretty good shape. So, being the people we are, we started playing with them. Josh, who got a bad sketch from David Mack at the last con he went to, had a lot of fun making the Hulk beat Kabuki with her own leg. Needless to say, the first thing I did upon seeing the box was have the Falcon finally get some off the Invisible Woman while Magneto looked on approvingly.

Well you've read the blog, what the hell did you expect me to do?

Then this little gem caught my eye:

It's a Gwen Stacy from a line Marvel did a few years back called Silver-Age Classics or something. I'd always wanted this figure since I've had a web-shooting Spider-Man and tons of shelves to toss her off, but never enough to actually buy it. Chad said we could have whichever ones we wanted, though, so I grabbed her.

That's when I noticed what is quite possibly the coolest action feature ever:

Yes, some genius toy designer thought it would be a good idea to give Gwen a removable skirt held on by velcro. Velcro! Yes, the removable skirt is the perfect compliment to Gwen's high-heeled black leather boots, skintight sweater and those hip joints they give all female figures that can only be used to spread their legs. The result? Most Awesome Toy Ever.

Really, it makes me wonder if the guys over at Toy Biz were psychic, or just really good guessers. I mean, just this year we got the story where we find out that the supposedly virtuous Gwen's teenage hormones were overpowered by Norman Osborn's manliness. Me, I think it was his disturbing, yet strangely alluring hair. Regardless, they got naughty... freaky naughty. And this figure's just corroborating what we've already seen.

But it raises even more questions.

I mean, after knocking pointy-toed boots with the Green Goblin, what could Gwen possibly do next? Would her taste for the exotic put her on the trail of someone socially taboo? A mutant, perhaps? Or even, dare I say it...

...a Canadian? Or does her dalliance with her boyfriend's greatest foe prove that the greatest aphrodisiac is power? Would Gwen be drawn to the type of strength and self-assurance that can only come from ruthless evil?

No man can truly say. But perhaps the greatest question is... What would her kids think?


Blogger J. Kern said...

i weep with joy at the happiness this post provided me.

2/03/2005 2:29 AM

Blogger Jim Shelley said...

After seeing the Gwen Stacy action figure, you gotta hope someone makes a Mary Jane figure so we can have a little GoG action in the mighty Marvel Style!

You can't really blame her though - I heard the Red Skull was hung like an Donkey. Matter fact, Stan was gonna call the the Skulk, Herr Mule-Dick, but Kirby said no. Kirby was always the cooler head in such moments.

2/03/2005 12:51 PM

Blogger Phil Looney said...

I will never look at the back issue section of H&D the same ever again.

2/03/2005 7:53 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehehehe I HAVE THAT! Yes, like you I saw that gwen stacy figure at a comic/ sci fi shop and just had to buy it. It's sooo sexy, though I think I was like 15 or so when I bought it, so... On mine, the head has broken off, so be sure to take special care of it, the neck is pretty weak. I had to super glue the head back on :/

2/03/2007 7:38 PM

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