This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the column, but I have to put it out there: Listening to the radio at work today, I heard an ad for a new kind of ladies' razor that vibrates. Part of the ad is this girl going: "Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?!" It might be the best thing I've ever heard. Moving on.
It's an oddly comforting feeling you get when you walk through a room full of beautiful young girls who have just graduated from college, and you know deep in your heart that none of them will ever have sex with you.
The reason for my absolute certainty on this fact was that my main man MG3 convinced me to go bar-hopping with him tonight while I was wearing my Free Comic Book Day t-shirt. And as we all know, the ladies can't get enough of that.
I mean, there was this girl there who was a midget, and even SHE had someone with her. If I would've tried to strike up a conversation, the fact that my shirt actually said the words "COMIC BOOK" in big white letters would've pretty much sealed my fate.
Being that I'm the kind of guy who spends eight hours bagging his own comic books, then goes and writes about it on the internet, where I also make fake trading cards for National Public Radio, I'm not exactly the catch that my mother has always assured me that I am. A few months ago, I was sitting in the Waffle House with MG3 and we were joking about making personal ads, but now that I'm single again and with prospects dwindling to numbers that can't even be graphed, the joke's gotten a lot less funny.
So, using the Fark.com Personals template, I'm going to create my own detailed, honest ad in a bid to snag me some high-quality trim. But rather than post it over there where it'd be mocked ceaselessly by people like me--come on, it's like they're asking to be made fun of--I'm going to put it here so that I can be mocked instead by people I know.
I am a: Man.
Looking for a: woman, or John Cassaday.
Location: The SMT
Occupation: Comic book store clerk and amateur humorist.
A woman far more attractive than me.
Last great book I read: Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, a hilarious book about corpse disection, and Assassination Vacation, a lighthearted and witty history of the murders of Presidents Lincon, Garfield, and McKinley.
Favorite on-screen sex scene: Mulholland Drive, but only because I interpret it differently from everyone else. Barring that, I've seen so much internet pornography that it would have to be represented as a percentage of the whole.
Celebrity I resemble most: Sean Astin. Not the thin, young, out-for-adventure-and-pirate-treasure kid from The Goonies, but the older, chubby, kinda-gay one from Lord of the Rings.
That's right, I just dropped the 'Rings in my personal ad. It's officially hopeless.
Best or worst lie I've ever told: For the past several years, I've been attempting to convince my sister that she used to eat paste. This is completely untrue, but I'm sure that if I bring it up enough that it'll eventually create doubt in her mind and replace the truth in her reality.
That is completely true.
If I could be anywhere at the moment: I'd be on a mysterious island known only as The Village, where I'd engage a series of ever-changing nemeses in a battle of wits and determination, with the very concept of freedom as the stakes. No man is just a number!
Song or album that puts me in the mood: Okay, this one I actually have a good answer for. The first CD I ever bought was Barry White's Greatest Hits. So I've got that working for me. However, and I feel it's important to say this: I love Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson, and you can all freakin' eat me.
Fill in the blanks:
Naming a dozen Teen Titans is sexy.
Naming twelve members of the Legion of Super-Heroes is sexier.
In my bedroom, you'll find: Exactly zero reasons to go out with me. Decor includes eleven long boxes of comics, a Powerpuff Girls poster, examples of my embarassing high school newspaper column thumbtacked into the bright green walls, a three-foot long lacquered wooden clock (that's C-L-O-C-K) featuring a Frank Miller Daredevil, and a statue of Harley Quinn.
Fortunately, I keep the Dungeons and Dragons manuals in the living room.
Why you should get to know me: After writing all that, I've pretty much got nothin'. Did I mention I live with my mother?
More on what I'm looking for: Well, for starters I'd appreciate it if you were far more attractive than I am, smart enough to be familiar with Friedrich Nietzsche but not pretentious enough to reference him constantly, and it wouldn't hurt if you could name every member of the Doom Patrol--Arcudi run included.
All right, ladies. The line for make-outs forms to the left.