Surprise! I Bought Some More Comics This Week

Brandon and I went to go see the Bad News Bears tonight, and while it was pretty funny, it wasn't nearly as funny as what we saw when we got to the theater. Since we live in a state where the sun can shine while it's raining, the parking lot was almost flooded. So while Brandon's whining about not wanting to walk through the water, I point to this guy getting out of his car and say "What about that guy, Brandon? He's doing it."

"That guy?! Look at him, Chris. You want to be like that guy?"

I took a good look. Mullet. Dale Earnhardt cap. T-shirt covered with unidentifiable yellow stains.

"Good point," I said. Then I looked out the other window and saw a man who was holding his shoes, walking through the flooded parking lot in his bare feet.

"Let's just park over there."

When we actually got into the theater, we saw trailers for what may--MAY--be the three worst movies I've ever heard of.

There was Roll-Bounce, which essentially appears to be You Got Served on rollerskates, and features the irascable Nick Cannon. Second was Barnyard, a Nickelodeon film about cows who get revenge on the kids who tip them by stealing cars and going into their bedrooms at night and pushing them out of bed. It sounds funny, but trust me. Rough.

And then, we got the trailer for Disney's The Greatest Game Ever Played, which has the most hilariously cliched trailer since Ice Princess, wherein beautiful young actress Michelle Trachtenberg used algebra to learn to ice skate. It's... well, words don't do it justice. Here, just watch it yourself. It's beautiful and terrible. You will love it and despair.

None of this, of course, has any bearing on the comics I bought this week.

Here's what I bought:

• Amazing Spider-Man #522 -- I like Spidey fighting the Hydravengers in theory, but it just leaves me feeling cold. Peter and MJ both come off like idiots, the internal monologue is rough, and I was perfectly happy never imagining Jarvis and Aunt May getting freaky naughty. Also, while Deodato's art isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, check out Spidey's pose on Page 6 and tell me that it's not laughable.
• Astro City: The Dark Age #2
• Batman: Dark Detective #6
• Daredevil vs. Punisher #2 -- For those of you keeping score, we're well into the three-hundreds at this point. Lapham's run on Detective Comics killed any interest I had in reading Stray Bullets, but as you well know, if it's got the Punisher in it... Regardless, I'm really enjoying this one.
• Flash #224
• Hellblazer #210
• Hellboy: The Island #2
• JLA: Classified #10 -- Warren Ellis! Butch Guice! The Justice League! Perry White acting exactly like Mitchell Royce from Transmetropolitan! Don't ask, just buy it!
• Legion of Super-Heroes #8
• The Losers #26
• Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere #2 -- When it's all said and done, I'm going to own this story in three completely different media. You win this round, Gaiman.
• New X-Men: Academy X #16 and New X-Men: Hellions #3 -- I really enjoy this book. In fact, I like it so much that I think the only way they could possibly ruin it would be to kick of the writers that created the book and its new characters and put a shitty teenage whore with foot-claws on the team. Hm? What's that? ... Oh.
• Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: Avengers 2005 -- I've got all of these so far except the Incredible Hulk one, and I'm pretty sure that this is the only Official Handbook that includes the word "nutsack."
• The OMAC Project #4 -- Dear Greg Rucka, Thank you for writing awesome comics. OMACs make me happy. Wonder Woman makes me happy. Tara Chace makes me happy... and also makes me feel a little, you know, squishy inside. Your buddy, Chris.
• Queen & Country: Declassified v.3 #2
• Runaways #6
• Silent Dragon #1
• Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #33: Or, as I like to call it, Jim Balent's Attempt to Finally Kill Me (Part 2 of 4). I take a lot of crap for buying this one every month, but let's face it: If I hadn't read the worst comic coming out for two years now, I never would've made it through the Box of Punishment. Each issue is a descent into madness that surpasses the previous ones in terms of sheer awfulness. What sets this one aside? Well how about zombie vaginas, pictures of Jim Balent dressed up as Darth Vader, and graphic photographs of surgery. Add that to the usual madness, and, well, let's just say that I'm starting to think that having eyes is more trouble than it's worth. Remember, kids: Magic with a C's for you and me! Magick with a K, stay away!
• Wonder Woman #219