What I Learned From Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I'm pretty sure the new Harry Potter movie is the best of the series so far, which is no surprise considering that it's my favorite of all the books. But what really astounded me was how educational it ended up being. I mean, I realize it's a movie set at a school, but I wasn't expecting to walk out of the theater as informed as I was.

But like all good teachers, the movie's lessons are subtle, so in case you missed them, I present here a brief top ten list of the knowledge my trip to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire dropped on me tonight:

1. Just because you have plans to go see a movie with a girl, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't be sitting in the late show next to your mother.

2. Movie theaters without stadium seating have got to go.

3. Unless you go to see The Bad News Bears at one o'clock on a school day with one of your friends and you're the only ones in the theater, there will always be some guy who feels that it's necessary to point out that the woman who is fourteen feet tall is a giantess and that it's "nice" when special effects professionals do their job.

4. This jagoff will always sit next to me. Always.

5. Having a scene in your movie where the ghost of a fourteen year-old girl tries to molest a fourteen year-old boy will bump you right up to a PG-13 rating. It will also be a lot less disturbing and a lot funnier than it sounds.

6. Speaking of, and you can add this to the ever-growing list, Dan Radcliffe is frigg'n ripped.

7. Any movie can be made better by adding Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman. In fact, I'm shopping a script around Hollywood for a movie that involves the bad guy from Leon: The Professional teaming up with the bad guy from Die Hard. It'll be the scariest buddy cop movie ever made.

8. Lord Voldemort vs. twenty-something Shakespeare? Voldemort in 7 via TKO. Therefore, Ralph is the swanker brother... or the finer Fiennes, if you will.

9. According to the IMDB, "over 3,000 girls turned up at the auditions for the role of Cho Chang, in London on 7 February 2004." The things I could do if I had three thousand Cho Changs would make David Mack weep. Also, the fact that I wrote that down is Reason #434 why I'm on an FBI Watch List, and Reason #538 why I remain single.

10. Wherever he goes, Harry Potter is constantly followed by death and mistrust. In short, his life sucks. But considering that his best friend, his best friend's dad, his boss, and Dr. Doom have never tried to kill him, it's still better than Peter Parker's.

Now you know. And you didn't even have to see Shipwreck to learn it, either.