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Sunday, October 01, 2006

Silver-Age Tech Support: A Sizeable Problem

Hello, and thank you for contacting the Will Magnus Institute of Super-Heroic Sciences! Over the course of your career as a costumed crimefighter, you may (or rather, definitely will) encounter situations that appear to be significantly out of the realm of accepted probability.

Don't worry! This is completely normal.

In an effort to help, the Institute has compiled a list of common solutions to these extraordinary problems in an effort to provide you with technical support during your various metaheroic crises.


PROBLEM: My costume has unexpectedly gained sentience and is now attacking me in an attempt to leave me stranded at a significantly reduced size after a string of petty larcenies.

CAUSES: This problem is most likely related to the fact that your costume is composed of extemely improbable threads woven from the core of a White Dwarf star. It's highly likely that your costume has not gained sentience, but is under the control of a larger chunk of the star which, in a rare example of completely inert matter spontaneously evolving into a higher species, has itself developed a malevolent intelligence and seeks to rule the world.



SOLUTION: Before permanently resolving your costume issues through the application of infrared light, a magnifying glass, and a stick of dynamite, break into the home of an aging middleweight boxer and have him punch you repeatedly and strip you naked.



If problem persists, try a chair.

11 Comments:

Blogger Brandon said...

Gee, Dr. Magnus, if not for you I'd be in a heap of trouble. You're doing God's work, my friend.

--Itty-Bitty in Ivy Town

10/02/2006 1:08 AM

 
Blogger Mike Haseloff said...

I wish THIS was the first adventure of the New Atom.




Word Verification: Yimpywit.

10/02/2006 4:54 AM

 
Blogger Tom Bondurant said...

Personally, I'm wondering about that cover. The one matchstick rising crookedly out of its matchbook looks like it's gained sentience, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

10/02/2006 10:03 AM

 
Blogger Ryan Jett said...

Not that the Silver Age was ever terribly concerned with "science", but I think a major sticking point of this story would rest with the fact that a white dwarf star chunk that size would be so dense that it would weigh more than the Earth, despite the fact that it seems to be resting comfortably on the ground there.

10/02/2006 1:37 PM

 
Anonymous Daniel Fernandez said...

Not that the Silver Age was ever terribly concerned with "science", but I think a major sticking point of this story would rest with the fact that a white dwarf star chunk that size would be so dense that it would weigh more than the Earth, despite the fact that it seems to be resting comfortably on the ground there.

Well, how the Hell did he even pick up the small fragemnt that he did? It must have been at least a ton.

I mean, unless Ray is really just that strong.

10/02/2006 3:14 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I perceive a flaw in the Atom's plan. Since it's the Silver Age, once the boxer had hit Atom with the chair and taken off the costume, wouldn't the costume have just become a magical fire-breathing leprechaun that said the magic word:"Floppagilly!" and turned the boxer into a tapioca cowboy? And *then* where would we all be?

10/02/2006 5:06 PM

 
Blogger Corey said...

Silver Age Tech Support is possibly the greatest idea i've ever heard.

"If you have recently gained the power to spawn a much more popular midget version of yourself and now want to kill it, press three now."

10/02/2006 5:37 PM

 
Blogger Philip Looney said...

W're not meant to ask such questions - we're just meant to enjoy seeing a tiny man leap at another man who is going to swat him with a chair.

10/02/2006 9:33 PM

 
Blogger Jim Kakalios said...

A chunk of white dwarf star matter would weigh significantly more than a ton. As explained in the finale of my Physics of Superheroes talk

see Youtube at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4lJq6SFLYQ

There's actually a perfectly reasonable explanation for Ray Palmer lifting such a dense piece of matter.

(Who says this isn;t the Marvel Age of shameless plugs?)

10/03/2006 12:06 AM

 
Anonymous Daniel Fernandez said...

Hey! It's Jim Kakalios! I loved your book man. I read it a while ago, but I really enjoyed it. Heh, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you, 'cause, ya know, it's a comic book blog.

10/05/2006 9:03 PM

 
Anonymous ABS said...

And here I thought the attacked-by-own-costume club was Marvel only.

10/09/2006 1:27 PM

 

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